Good morning, apologies this is a bit long - I'm a frequent poster but changed my name as this feels very vulnerable and I really need to get it off my chest.
My dad was a high functioning alcoholic until I was about 15. I grew up in a highly dysfunctional household to put it lightly. My mum herself was constantly beaten up by her own dad for years and had no sense of what a good parent / spouse looked like when they got married, so she always made excuses for his behavior.
At the surface of it (when he wasn't drunk) he was this well read, charismatic, loving dad and husband who sacrificed everything for us and his family. When he got drunk he picked up on everything I did and screamed at me when I tried to defend myself. My mum didn't defend me because she was scared (there is a significant age gap between them) and now she denies that. Every day I was mocked, belittled and criticized harshly about everything, my grades, weight, friendships, clothes and why I chose to spend my pocket money in a certain way as we were in financial difficulty living in a dodgy area whilst he spent a ton of money on alcohol.
He comes from a wealthy elite family with emotionally unavailable parents who put very high expectations on their children. He managed to get the family business bankrupt and whole family fortune spent to almost nothing with my uncle thanks to their drinking and refusal to work for years.
I had to push very hard at school to get good grades and scholarships because of the financial and emotional difficulties I was in and also to be "good enough" for my dad, fearing I would be shouted at if I failed. And guess what? Nothing I do is still good enough. I was constantly bullied at school being so so quiet and shy and no one to turn to at home.
After years of therapy I managed to have a healthy and loving relationship but there are days I can't stop the negative inner talk as "you don't deserve this lovely man" or "it will all fall apart, he will leave you for some trivial reason". My logical mind knows DH loves me to bits and he is a good and reliable person but when I'm having a bad day I just can't see it. We recently had a DS and it made me even angrier with my own parents seeing how innocent, loving and trusting DS is with us.
These days we have an amicable relationship but with a significant amount of distance as I managed to establish healthy boundaries with the help of therapy. From their perspective they are delighted to have an adult DD who established a good life for herself even if she’s a bit distant. I feel really stupid because I still love them. My mum vaguely acknowledges what happened and sometimes might confront my dad with his unacceptable behavior if it manifests again but my dad is still in denial being extremely emotionally immature. DH has no idea as I'm too embarrassed to tell him or anyone else about my "abnormal" family history.
I don't know what I'm expecting from Mumsnet other than venting and handholds but some days it feels so shitty to the extent of day to day life being intolerable and today is one of them. I don't enjoy anything, constantly feeling on the edge, worrying about everything and the negative self talk around how I don't deserve anything good. I just wish it wasn't so hard for me to feel good.