i feel so conflicted

[fidgetcube]

im having very strong suicidal thoughts but equally i dont want to die. i want to have children and all that jazz.

im never going to be independent, ive tried living alone and i cant cope with it. im autistic and adhd. also have had psychosis in the past. how thehell am i ever going to manage with life. im terrified of when my dad andstep mum die. hopefully itll be 20-30 years + from now but i cant stop thinking about it, i used to get very upset about it, less so now.

i honestly dont know anymore.

im tryingto hold on to the fact i want to experience things but the suicidal feelings are so overwhelming.

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist next week but i just wish it was sooner. though i dont think they can do anything.

i dont know.

20-30 years ago there wasn't the range of treatments and help and understanding of mental health issues that there is now, so in another 20-30 years there could be all sorts of options for you to live independently.

Can you write down a list of the things you want to experience? Maybe someone on here can help you get started with making them come true.

Thank you for replying @Eyesopenwideawake

there’s not much I want to do really, just have a child (maybe 2) and have a job.

I’m pretty sure I could only cope with a part time job, I’ve tried being a postwoman but that caused a breakdown. I’ve worked as a Porter in a hospital for 3 months during the summer while at university, that was too many people and too much talking. I’m currently volunteering in a charity shop which is nice, I’d like to do that instead of work but that doesn’t pay and while I do receive disability benefits I need more than that. But I’m just worried that I won’t be able to work a 6-8 hour + shift in a shop, there is no way I could cope with that, definitely not at the moment anyway.

at the moment I’m trying to work on myself and get myself in a place where I can have a child. My ultimate goal is to be well enough to have a child. And also lose like 10 stone . As I don’t want a partner so will need to do ivf privately. So need to be under 35 bmi.

not too many things to do but they’re big things lol.

Doesn't matter if they are big or small - they are things to focus on, which is great! Have you looked at the weight loss section on here? Lots of good advice, encouragement and handholding from people who are the same journey as you 😊