Apology, English is my 3rd language. Not looking for advice as I know everyone time is precious, I guess what I'm looking for is validation that my feelings is valid. And write this out my heart less heavy.
Was this raped of sexual coercion? I try to find excuses for him, even excuses like English is my third language so he was just sexual coercion me. But my logically brain told me he raped me, he flat out raped me. Out of all the men in the world, it "HE" that raped me, the man that I love more than I love my own life.
I promise I won't go into TMI. What happened was:
I ran into a male childhood friend at the supermarket (it a male friend whom I grew up with know since elementary grade). My friend stop and talked to me it was a somewhat long talk, and at the end my friend gave me a hug, I never hugged him back, I stood still with my arms straight down, it was just my friend hugged me, and he leaves after, that was all to it. Yes, it a male friend and that where the problem started.
Then he saw it (can I not say the relationship between me and this man? Let just say I love this man more than my own life, that how much I love him), and he was not happy at.all (about what happened at the supermarket). We went home and that night he didn't even bother eat dinner, I also didn't have an appetite due to I see how mad/upset he was (eventhough he didn't say much, but his facial expressions show it). Like usual I went to our bedroom. Then this was when it happened.
Then he came in after me, and the locked our bedroom door (which I don't see the need to as the whole house is just the two of us). Then he unbutton his dress shirt, I was sitting on the bed, he not said anything then he pushed me down the bed (wasn't a hard push), but I tried to sit back up and he pushed me down again. His eyes was intense, like he must have me, at whatever it takes. I struggled and I was able to momentary got off the bed.
Then he, this drag to the carpet floor, and yeah, he raped me while I was laying on the carpet floor of our bedroom. I struggled and struggled but then I figure out what the point anymore? he will have me at all cost. It wasn't violent rape or anything, it was sex, but he raped me (as he clearly knew I did not want sex and struggle, it even drag from the bed to the carpet floor). His obsession with me was insane, it like he was punished me (from saw my childhood friend hugged me at the supermarket earlier).
This was not sexual coercion, this was flat out raped right? It took me years to accept this fact that he raped me. It been 6 years and I still can't forget about it. I truly forgive him because I still love him so so much. I buried it inside my heart and don't ever want to talk about it again, but I just can't seem to forget it, it still come back and visit me.
He raped me didn't he? He flat out raped me. And I still love this man till today, just like I first love him 13 years ago.