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How can I help my dad?

3 replies

ReRe678 · 02/01/2023 02:35

I am so worried about my dad and don’t know how to help him for the best. My dad lives alone and I know he gets very lonely and is depressed. He had an accident at work many years ago and shattered his leg from the kneecap down which still has not healed properly to this day and he is in pain with it every day. Since then my dad has gone downhill, he doesn’t take care of himself he looks very ill and is so thin and he drinks every night.
I know my dad gets lonely so I try and visit him as much as I can but his bungalow is messy and smelly which is hard for me to see him living like this. I try and do some jobs for him like washing up or having a tidy up but he hates me doing this and always tells me to stop. He chain smokes so everything is smoke stained and i leave his place with my hair and clothes smelling Smokey and musky. He also tells blatant lies a lot or makes up stories that i know are not true. I try and get him out when I can but once we were in a cafe and people were turning around and holding there noses because he smells and the people on the table next to us got up and moved away. I came home and cried my eyes out because I don’t want people making nasty comments about him it’s heartbreaking but I also couldn’t eat my food because of the smell. My sister has tried to speak to my dad as kindly as she can and told him we are worried about him and that he’s not taking care of himself like he used to but he just seemed confused and said he was fine. My dad is in his late 50’s and has no social life at all he has one friend who he sees every few months but this friend always asks him for money. My dad lives right next to a social club which i encouraged him to join hoping he could meet new people but he went there once and said everyone in there was moody. He only visits me and my sister and he occasionally visits my aunt but she has stopped him visiting as much and has told family members it’s because he smells. I’ve been in shops with him and noticed the workers spraying air freshener as he leaves which hurts to see people treating my dad this way but I do know how bad the smell can be. I worry about him so much because he spends so much time alone and he drinks every night and has bruises from where he has had accidents after being drunk. He drinks big bottles of cheap cider. He can be very stubborn and always says he’s fine and don’t need help but I can see he does It’s breaking my heart seeing him like this I don’t know how to help him so I would be so grateful for any help or advice.

OP posts:
Billslills · 02/01/2023 04:51

Im not able to provide much advice as I don’t have any experience in this but I’m sorry you and him are going through this. It would be so tough and stressful to deal with.

What would happen if you did have the tough conversation with him?

Are there any jobs he can do? Even volunteering? Any jobs he could do for your or family members to start with even? When my dad had cancer and stopped working he used to love going to dog sit for my brother. It gave him a purpose for the day and a little bit of pocket money for the butcher. He really enjoyed it.

Even if he had friends, days are very long without work. I can see how easy it would’ve been for him to spiral like this.

Iflyaway · 02/01/2023 05:24

Sounds like your dad needs some social carers coming in. Can you access that via his GP?

I know the health service is on its knees but if you can, try and access it, his hygiene is proving too much for him to deal with, is he eating at all etc.?

I know how hard it is. My mum had dementia for 7 years.

It's hard OP. But time is not going to make it any better. Get proactive. And sorry you are having to deal with this.
If he cannot take care of himself, hard as it is he may need to go into a home.

You cannot sacrifice your own life to facitlitate his in his own home. He sounds extremely vulnerable. You and your sister have to advocate for him.

Wishing you all the best OP.

BlueSkyAndButterflies · 02/01/2023 06:32

If he's drinking every day he's an alcoholic. That's the first thing to realise. He's probably drinking more than you know. He's not going to recover unless he wants to. There's help out there for people to quit drinking, but he has to accept the help and he has to do the work himself, they can't do it for him. So unless he really wants it to, it won't work. It does need to be quit, cutting down doesn't work for alcoholics, it just creeps back up again, if they ever manage to cut down in the first place. The lies, the denial, the failure to take care of himself, the malnutrition (most of his calorie intake coming from alcohol), the mental symptoms including depression, memory loss and confusion, and eventually the weight loss - it's all part of alcoholism.

If he ever goes into hospital ensure they're informed of how much he's drinking. He's at risk of seizures if he goes cold turkey. And it affects how much of other drugs they can safely give him.

The Red Cross in my area used to run a befriending service who visit. That's the sort of thing that helps lonely people. Although if he won't go to the social club next door, he doesn't sound the type to help himself. Most likely he doesn't want to go because he can't chain smoke in there or people don't want to talk to him because he smells. I imagine he's not washing either himself or his clothes/bedding and could also be wetting himself at times with that level of alcohol consumption, in addition to the smell of smoke.

The best thing he could do would be a massive life overhaul, which he doesn't sound up for. Quit alcohol, engaging with alcohol services, referred by GP. Quit smoking, referral by GP for help. Sort out pain relief if his is ineffective. If the leg is next to useless and there's no effective pain relief, amputation would probably be the lesser of the evils and he'd maybe manage better and have better quality of life after recovering from the operation and making the necessary adjustments to his life, but understandably it may not feel that way to the person with the problem who can't bear the thought of losing a limb. They'd also not be able to safely give an alcoholic the necessary anaesthetic for the operation without possibly permanently ruining their already strained liver, so would maybe expect him to quit drinking first. Antidepressants would help if he's depressed even after quitting drinking and getting adequate pain relief. The sedating types act like a sleeping pill too. He must have some sort of income so could pay a cleaner, but some people are happy in their messy and filthy environment, everyone has their own standards. Even if he's not happy, you cleaning up maybe shames him so he'd rather ignore it. His friend isn't a friend but a user, but you already know that. He could start socialising at the club next door or get a hobby. But he sounds like he's given up. I'm not sure if a person can come back from that if they don't want to try.

You could make his GP aware of what's going on. They might call him in for a checkup, although you can't force him to go or to take the GPs advice. No point contacting social services, they'll call it a lifestyle choice, so no help given and if it was he'd have capacity, so they'd allow him to refuse help. Help they won't want to give anyway because they've no budget for it.

It is heartbreaking to watch someone self destruct like this. The best thing you can do is get in touch with Al-Anon, who help the families of alcoholics. So you can learn to keep yourself sane, not become too sucked into this mess he's creating and come to terms with the fact there's almost nothing you can do for someone who doesn't want help. Sorry OP, I know that's not what you want to hear

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