Why am I doing this?!

[HurleyBurley]

Stressful time for me at the moment and I am constantly getting overwhelmed. When this happens I've started to go upstairs and make myself sick. It doesn't come from nausea, but from anger if that makes sense? It's not food related. I don't know why I'm doing it. I do feel calmer afterwards. It's like my rage/stress reaches a crescendo and I do it to myself rather than it coming from nausea related to stress. It comes from anger. That's the best I can describe it. Can't see any threads that discuss anything like this and wondered if it resonates with anybody. Or if this is totally abnormal

It’s not abnormal, but it is bulimia.
Eating disorders aren’t necessarily about food or weight.
I had bulimia which started out from being sick after having a serious car accident, in the few years after it, I kept being sick more and more, drs couldn’t find a medical reason, then a great therapist suggested it could be from stress, which I then realised it must be, but it then took me another few years to break the habit of being sick and to actually realise I had bulimia.

Id really recommend breathing techniques, every time you feel you want to do it, slow your breathing down, if you can do 5 secs in, 5 secs pause, 5 secs out for 2 mins.

This will help pass the overwhelming feeling when it comes on, and teaches your body to just let it pass through. Xx

Thanks so much for replying and sharing your experience. I think I could stop it, it's more that I don't want to because I feel better afterwards and the anger goes. But I guess that's the problem...I'll try what you suggest, thank you x

When life feels out of your control you try anything to prove that you have some agency over what you do - that's often why people turn to actions that are harmful only to themselves; it's a figurative "fuck you" to the rest of the world.

Look to the root cause - what's making you angry and stressed?

Gosh, too many things to list but you're absolutely right: it gives me a weird sense of control

When you're in the eye of a storm with masses of problems and tasks swirling around you, the best thing you can do is pick one, - just one - thing to do and put all your energy into that thing until it's done. That will give you a sense of accomplishment and control.

Think of a juggler - even though they may be juggling 8 balls there's only actually one in their hand at any particular moment.

Yes that's part of it - I lose it over everyday things but it's when I'm trying to do more than one thing ie do work/a task but one of the kids is screaming at me. Because the bigger picture is also currently a mess I've lost my ability to cope with minor everyday stresses

OK, it's really good that you can see that. So recognise that you (generic you!) can only do one thing at a time and build in extra time for the kids. Better to just cope with one tiny task well then try to deal with everything and be overwhelmed.

Give it a try and let us know how it goes 😊

Thanks so much for your kindness ❤️

I suppose it's a form of self harm? I used to cut myself when I was angry. Medication eventually kind of helped. I've also heard CBT can be useful for some people.

Yes I guess it is. All this makes logical sense and yet it feels really primal in the moment

That's because it is primal - it comes from your subconscious mind, not your logical conscious mind. Think of your SC as your inner child. It's upset, angry and feeling powerless so it does whatever it can to prove it has some control, even if that demonstration of control is negative or harmful. In the short term try square breathing to focus onto something soothing instead -

I am going through this ATM after a serious car accident too. In the first 3 weeks I lost 10lb in weight because I was being so sick. My accident was almost 3 years ago. Some days I’m fine. Some days I can be sick 5/6 times a day. Even if I haven’t eaten. I feel a pressure in my chest and a tickle in my throat. I feel immediately better once I’ve vomited until I get the same feeling again. It’s awful but I don’t know how to stop it/stop the sensations leading to this. I’ve had CBT/EMDR but it hasn’t really helped for this aspect of my PTSD. I don’t feel like I have an eating disorder but it’s clearly not normal to be doing this.

@Catmum2023 - that seems like a coping strategy that your subconscious has (mistakenly) adopted in order to deal with the accident and aftermath. Have you tried remedial hypnosis? It is excellent at dealing with specific issues such as this.

The forced vomiting has a similar affect as cutting yourself. The pain is a temporary release from mental anguish. It's self harm behaviour and seriously you need to get help before it escalates.

Thank you, no I haven’t tried remedial hypnosis. I have an EMDR session this week so I will discuss this with my therapist. Whilst it’s not nice to have to deal with this, at least I have another avenue to explore and can understand a little better why it is happening.

Makes total sense

So sorry to hear about what you're going through @Catmum2023

I’m so sorry, I feel like I have taken over your post. Shall I post my own thread? I was just so (not pleased but) relieved to hear I wasn’t alone in my reaction to various issues. My trauma is directly linked to an issue I cannot avoid. I’m working around it, but I cannot avoid it. The comments and theory behind it are very enlightening. I was sick this morning (I didn’t eat) but not after that. I wasn’t sick yesterday (I was distracted with NYE etc) but was very sick the 2 days before. I’ve been out for a late afternoon meal today and I feel
ok now. I don’t think I will be sick tonight. Actually, reading this before I post I don’t sound well at all. I know I’ll be fine tonight but I know I’ll be sick tomorrow before I go out.

Symbolically it seems like a form of catharsis. You're emptying yourself, purifying and cleansing yourself of what's inside you.

It's also a physically strenuous and overwhelming experience, which means you'll be kind of overwriting the intense sensations and emotions of anger with the intense sensations of throwing up, and throwing all that built-up angry energy that needs somewhere to go into the hard physical labour of vomiting.

It's not surprising you feel calmer afterwards — you've used up all of that energy your anger summoned up, and you've symbolically expelled something from inside you that you didn't want.

I think maybe you need a two-pronged approach:

• therapy to work out what it really is inside of you that you feel the need to reject and expel and cleanse yourself of (maybe you have been given the message over your life that anger is something that's unacceptable for you to feel)

• a healthier way to deal with feeling worked up and angry, so you can burn off that excess energy in a way that won't damage you like throwing up does

@Catmum2023 not at all! I'm so glad it's helpful

Thank you. You’re the first person to post exactly what I’ve been experiencing. Hopefully I can help over the next few weeks after my therapy sessions.

@Catmum2023 it's great that you're acknowledging and addressing, that's surely the important step

@FurryDandelionSeekingMissile thank you for this good advice