Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

Flip

Original poster

OH’s depression ruining my life

14 replies

Ella19902 · 01/01/2023 15:26

My OH is suffering from depression & anxiety, caused by both his sister and dad passing away within the last year. This was understandably very traumatic & I have supported him as best as I feel I can but we have a 3 year old and a 1 year old and I am just absolutely exhausted. They wake up at 6am and as OH cannot get out of bed in the mornings, I am up early every day with them, getting them dressed, breakfast & then to the park or another activity. Our house is a pig sty and filthy as I have no time to do anything about it. I go to bed at 9pm every night as I am just so exhausted.
My OH doesn’t get up until lunchtime, and then spends the day on his iPad or watching TV. I ask him if he can help with the kids or do some chores & he says he doesn’t feel able. He is extremely short-tempered & shouts at me & the kids a lot. He has had some counselling but it doesn’t seem to help. He also drinks alcohol every evening which I don’t think helps him.
Recently I have felt like I have had it. I hate this feeling of exhaustion I constantly have and feel completely & utterly drained & burnout. I have been sympathetic to OH and given him space to grieve etc but I just feel I can’t go on with my life with him like this anymore.
is there anything else I can do to support? I don’t want to have to leave & take the kids away from him & I’m worried that doing that will push him over the edge. But I am starting to really hate my life. Help. WTF do I do?

OP posts:

Bigbadfish · 01/01/2023 15:32

What is he proactively doing to help himself?

Quitelikeit · 01/01/2023 15:33

Wow what a selfish man child.

when you have children you must put their needs above your own and that includes when you are unwell

there is nothing stopping him from helping with the kids as parenting is not something you can opt out of

tell him to get off his lazy backside and to start being a good role model for his kids instead of boozing, being lazy and having lie ins until noon!

also insist he goes to the gp

also you are enabling him to an extent so you really must tell him that you will no longer be getting up with the kids every day!! Insist on a lie in tomorrow yourself

Nimbostratus100 · 01/01/2023 15:33

I am really sorry you are in this situation, It sounds horrible. You need to seriously consider leaving if you are hating your life so much. Maybe if he knows you are seriously considering this, he will change. TV and ipad is just likely to make depression worse. Getting up, being active, going out with the family, helping clean up a bit, that is all likely to help depression and low mood. If he is not doing anything to help himself, it isn't your responsibility either. ANd no way does depression excuse him treating you and the children badly. As to whether splitting up would "push him over the edge" - not your responsibility. Good luck, I really hope things improve very quickly for you, one way or another x

Ihatethenewlook · 01/01/2023 15:36

As a recovering alcoholic with depression I can say with 100% certainty that drinking every night will be massively contributing to his poor mental health and bad temper. I’d be starting with that if I were you. Being the 1st of jan, today is the perfect day to sit him down and tell him that you’ve come to the end of your tether with your living situation. Of course having poor mental health is terrible for him, but people suffer bereavements all the time, at some point you need to do something to help yourself out of your grief, especially when it’s got to the point where he’s treating his family like shit. If it’s got to the point where you’re better off without him then I’d lay down an ultimatum of sorts. He can start off by doing ‘dry January’ and seeing how his mood and energy levels (hopefully) improve over the next couple of weeks. Once he’s come through the fog of daily drinking I’d be insisting he sees a doctor if he needs help with his depression and anger.

TwilightSkies · 01/01/2023 15:37

He’s been through a terrible time, but you don’t just get to check out of being a parent.
He needs to chip in, or leave.

WhoWants2Know · 01/01/2023 15:38

As harsh as it sounds, you may have to separate yourself for your own sanity and the well-being of the kids. And you aren't responsible for how he responds to that.

If this has been going on for some time, it's likely that he's become reliant on your efforts and it might be difficult for him to snap out of it while you continue to hold things together.

If you were to separate, then you would still be doing all the childcare yourself, but you would have one less adult to feed and clean up after. And him being snappy can't be doing your mental health any good either.

Original poster

Ella19902 · 01/01/2023 16:18

Thanks so much for the supportive comments. I was worried I sounded unsympathetic!
Hes been having some counselling with the NHS but I’ve suggested numerous times to look at private as I don’t think it’s helping.
I will definitely try & encourage a dry January…

I feel sad for him but I was out at the park this afternoon looking at all the dads out with their kids & feel like we are all missing out on family moments together.

i am hoping there maybe someone out there similar to me who is juggling a depressed partner & 2 little ones who can offer advice.

OP posts:

belowfrozen · 01/01/2023 16:22

I think an honest discussion is needed and tell him exactly how you feel

Catterpillarwithconverse · 01/01/2023 16:30

Try to encourage him to preserve with the NHS counselling. It's so difficult to get it on the NHS. If he needs private counselling after that then that's obvs fine but may as well use the NHS while you can especially since he's actually been going. Sometimes it can be overwhelming to choose your own private counsellor so that in itself can become time consuming. When the time comes you may want to do the initial short listing so that he only has 6 to choose from rather than ever counsellor in the country!

Ideally he needs to be seeing an organisation for his drinking. Have a Google for local charities that can help with this. Not a full on rehab but somewhere he can start getting some support with it.

KangarooKenny · 01/01/2023 16:32

Has he tried antidepressants ?

Winter2020 · 01/01/2023 17:12

I would encourage him to see his GP and try anti depressants. Also to stop the nightly drinking.

He can't help feeling low but he can help what he does about it. I have said to my husband in the past that as he has a wife and children it is his responsibility to try to stay well e.g. taking medication if needed, getting adequate rest etc. If he had chosen not to have a family and to live alone he could choose to handle things differently but he has a responsibility to his family.

I think its time for (a little bit of) tough love. Tell him you have allowed him time to grieve - now he needs to go to the doctor, get some medication, start taking care of himself and start helping out. Unless he sees his future as a single man - continuing to behave like this.

Medication can really help and things could be very different in just a couple of months - if he agrees to engage. If he has reservations because he feels his low mood is a result of grief I would say a broken foot could be the result of a brick falling on it - it still benefits from medical management to help the healing process.

Hope things start to improve for you

hopeahead · 01/01/2023 17:15

Get out.
My ex husband used his fathers death then his mothers death as an excuse to drink himself stupid. Ten years later and the pathetic use of his sisters divorce I was done.

WhatDoYouWantNow · 01/01/2023 17:23

Real depression is an illness.
Your husband has been grieving, which is normal. Sadly, life is hard and we all have to experience loss and grief.
He is well enough to fuck about on his iPad or watching tv. He is therefore well enough to get his idle arse out of bed.
Alcohol is a depressant. It will never make him feel better.
He is, above everything else, a father and partner. He needs to behave as such. He is a role model to his children, they need to see that.
Don't enable him. Take away his iPad and beers. If he's going to keep behaving like a teenager, treat him like one.
Does he work at all? If not, he really should. He needs a routine and responsibility.

I wish you well, but you need to give him some tough love.

Lightuptheroom · 01/01/2023 20:04

@WhatDoYouWantNow thank you for this. I currently have a 27 year old in my home (4 and 5 don't apply in his case) but he uses the death of his mother 7 years ago as the reason for all his behaviour. Unfortunately he has been prescribed medication, but refuses to take it properly. He has just been signed off sick from work and I'm at a loss what happens now, he was previously on universal credit for 3 years. I'll show your post to his dad, maybe it will flick the switch to understanding.

Flip