I am just looking for some words of wisdom from people who might give some perspective on this.
I am a very shy, introverted person but am extremely angry at myself for being like this and can act "normal" with people who are very close to me like DP and close family but people pick up on my introversion and tend to bully me. DP does take advantage sometimes which really sends me over the edge and I feel so alone and lost that I think I am actually going to lose it and end up totally out of my head. Sometimes I just want to get out of myself - if that makes any sense - like my mind is racing and I can't explain to anyone what it is like cos they just say "count your blessings" and name all the material things I have going for me in my life which I KNOW I have and just makes me feel even more guilty for being down. They dont seem to understand that I feel low and sad even though they think - and I know - I don't really have an "excuse" for feeling like this. DP's family are very down on anyone "feeling sorry" for themselves (unless it is someone they really care about) so I daren't even let on for a second how I can be in front of them. DP can be supportive from time to time but he is very mood swingy and if he is having a hard week, if he senses for a second I am on a downer I just get it in the neck.
See - this just sounds totally pathetic and sad and snivelly but I don't know how else to put it honestly without sounding pathetic.
I know I am lucky to be pregnant but sometimes I feel like who the heck do I think I am bringing a child into this world, especially when we don't have that much money and live in a pretty rough area. Also, what if my mental issues affect our child - what if it's hereditary?? I really love the baby already and can't wait to meet him/her but I am so scared that I won't cope.
I have had some hypnotherapy as I don't want to rely on AD's and the therapists says she thinks I just have social anxiety disorder - not depression. This has helped relax me and stop full on anxiety attacks which had me locked in the toilets at work (I know I am pathetic) but I really have no real friends in the world expect my DP but even he isn't always a good friend. I would just die if he knew I was writing this but I am just trying to be honest and get some advice. I don't even know what a real relationship should be like as everyone else seems to have these perfect partners who fuss over them all the time and put them on a pedestal but my relationship he def wears the trousers - which I don't mind too much cos I am so "reserved" but I don't let him walk all over me. I just get terrified he will leave me and I will be all alone.
I don't even know if I will be able to "post message" but I really want some help and I have filled in this box so many times then just not bothered to post...
Dam it - I will post and just pray you understand.....