Advice please, dd's friend in secure unit far away

[Table13]

I feel desperate and devastated about this situation, and would like some advice from people who've been in a similar situation.

I have known dd's friend since she was a baby. I went to antenatal group with the mum. We have been friends, although have different life paths, chose different schools for our dd's etc. The mum has always struggled to keep a clean, tidy house and is very unkempt in her appearance, pretty much a single parent (alcoholic dad who has now left) who has health issues/very underweight, very low income and probably anxiety. Dd's friend has always been welcome round to our house to play, eat meals, have sleepovers and they have one shared extra curricular activity. She has been very much one of the family. Playdates have not been reciprocated, so the relationship has been a bit one sided. Not because we haven't wanted to, but because she has rarely been asked, possibly because of alcoholic father who is in and out of the house.

I have always tried to support the mum, but she can be quite passive aggressive and doesn't like advice. I've tried to help her tidy her home for her dd's sake but the mum is very resistant to change. She finds it hard to move on, with toddler/baby toys all over living room even though her dd is now age 13. The mum has always pushed hard to make sure her dd is not disadvantaged..she has been a very involved parent, always interested in her education and making sure she plays sport/extra curricular stuff where possible. Her dd is very bright and has excelled at everything. She has no siblings. The house is often lonely and a bit depressing. It has been difficult for me to be a true friend with the mum as she is very guarded about her past, is quite competitive (which I've never risen to), and has said things like "My daughter wouldn't really choose to be friends with your dd" and has expressed disdain for the fact that my DD is a "girly girl" and is into drama and dressing up. Her dd is more of a tomboy. Despite this, our children have always got on and I have seen how difficult life is/has been for my friend so have done my best to be non judgemental and support the friendship. Other people in the community shun my friend and her dd, possibly because of their unkempt appearance and sometimes confrontational/direct nature of mum. The DD has at times had a fractious/cold relationship, never hugging or saying thank you. The DD often just shrugged shoulders in response to questions and has increasingly gone into herself.

Last year, the mum told me her dd is self harming. She started wearing sleeves to cover her arms and writing about how anxious she was. The DD has appeared zoned out at times and a bit emotionless. But she enjoyed coming round and spending time with my DD. Things quickly escalated though, and she has several suicide attempts (very determined) and admissions to hospitals. She had support from CAMHS and social worker but the DD totally refuses to engage and is completely non verbal. She has stopped school and went to a day centre for a while but this after another suicide attempt has now been sectioned. Not just for 28 days but has been admitted to a secure unit far out if county. I am devastated for everyone. I can't imagine how bleak the mum must feel. She has no family to speak of. She goes to visit her dd but DD doesnt want her there, and is rejecting her, as she has for some time.

My DD has been in touch with friend but only on a superficial level. She does not know that she is now miles away from home. Should I contact the DD and give her support? Mum says she's a shell of a person and just wants to die. I have been giving mum some groceries over past few months as I wanted to make sure they both eat. I have given the DD gifts so that she knows she's cared about. My heart bleeds for them both. I'm scared that the DD will tell the CAMHS ward she wants to go no contact with her mum, and she may get fostered. We may never see her again.

I thought that being in hospital might be the best place for her but i'm also scared that she won't be getting the care she needs due to low staffing issues/underfunding. I've read about 2 tragic cases at this place. Does anyone have any insight into what may happen or positive outcomes? The DD is so intelligent and capable but she has got into such a bad place. I feel I need to give mum hope as I don't know how she will go on.

They are two separate problems. The daughter and her issues and the mother and the fallout from the dd not being at home any more.

The dd is likely to be getting the help she needs whether it is in a different county or not. So that's a positive thing.

Yes, I do think you should contact the place she is and let them know that you exist and that you care about her and enquire if there is anything you can do such as visit or write to the daughter.

Similarly you can be separately there for the mother. But not in a way that is bringing the daughter into it. I wouldn't talk about how it's not good that she's far away or that she may or may not come home. You can still provide the practical and emotional support you have been doing.

You sound like a fantastic friend.

Call the unit and ask if you can send her something like some new pyjamas?

Ditto to what Mejane said.

In my unit we have over 18s, what a lot of people need a break from their past to deal with it, but to know people are there for them when they are ready.

Maybe ask mum if she wants a coffee and say if you want to talk about Dd I'm here but if you want to talk about something else that's ok too

Thank you both for your replies. I can understand how Dd needs a break from her past. I will do my best to let her to know that she still has people who care about her. It must be gut wrenching for mum, but I think these problems have been under the surface for a long time.

I think definitely contact the secure unit to support the daughter (as a friend of the daughter's MOST DEFINITELY NOT to help the mum) and continue to be a friend to the mum if you can keep it light/equal rather than you bring her crutch

I would give you a word of warning about 'needing' to give the mum hope or needing to help either of them in fact. You cannot solve this for them and it is clearly very complex and difficult. I'm not saying don't help but don't get yourself so involved in things that you become part of what is obviously a really unhealthy dynamic. for you though of course this is upsetting and you will want to help if you can. Just watch out for yourself.

Thanks Mardyface. Good points about protecting myself, I've definitely wanted to protect my DD. Yes it is definitely complex and you're right, no one knows that outcome and I can't suggest otherwise. I still can't believe how quickly things have progressed, but there is clearly something deep rooted.