DH is struggling

[Spinxsta]

DH has been feeling low for a while now. It's significantly affected his mood and he became almost unbearable to live with. He's finally getting some help: counselling and signed off work, but doesn't want meds. It's positive.

However, I feel broken from it all. I'm supportive and love him but I've spent so long tolerating his mood and cushioning the kids from their grumpy daddy, managing all the household & kid admin... it's just been exhausting.

I don't feel like myself and I'm scared the kids will end up with two depressed parents.

I don't even know what I'm posting for... just need to talk to someone because DH doesn't really want people to know IRL.

I have been where you are OP and it's very hard. Have you any friends or family you can lean on? Anywhere you and the kids can go for a few days for a break away and some tlc? Would you consider counselling for yourself? I know you say your DH doesn't want people to know, but you need support too. You need to prioritise looking after yourself, it's not only about him.

We don't have any family support. My closest friends live miles away. I did go away before Christmas with one of them and my youngest child (school night) and chatted to her. She's great but she's miles away.

I feel guilty talking about it. He isn't a bad person, he's a wonderful person but right now he's being horrible. I don't want people thinking he's a twat. My best mates know him, they know he isn't a twat but people in our local social circle haven't known us for that long so I don't want to talk about him in a way that could be misinterpreted, if you see what I mean!

I did email Relate before Christmas but haven't had a response. I might chase them up in the new year.

Hi there
I have just seen your message as I have recently posted something similar.
so just a message or empathy - seriously tough going when you’ve got a depressed partner with children & I have really started to resent my life and feel very trapped.
Interesting to hear you have emailed relate - I may try also.

Can I join? My DH is depressed, though he won't admit it. He's often very low around the house no matter what is going on. So I have to be everything to the kids, support him & do my own stuff. He is at the doctors pretty much every week with a new physical ailment, which I think is depression. But he is/acts happy around other people & goes out quite a lot.

Tbh I get frustrated with him. It feels like I/we can't make him happy any more, which really hurts. We have always been so close.

Plus I have my own stuff going on - dad nearly died in an accident & nephew tried to take an overdose, among many other things. But I'm having to deal with all that too, the emotional side but also being there for everyone else. DH says I should get help, but can't see that he should.

I just want our old life back, where he was happy & I could be too.

I hope your DPs are making progress. It feels nice to air to people saying the same things I do.

@confusedofengland sorry to hear you're going through similar.

I feel bad for DH and feel bad for talking about him, but the constant negativity and grumpiness is exhausting. I'm so low myself and the "happy mummy" mask is exhausting.

I don't really know what to say!

Are you working?
How old are your kids?

Anoher one with a depressed DH here mine is on sertraline and has been for many years also has health anxiety. He has had a telephone counsellor which did help alot - we just searched the counsellor CVs on google to find one with suitable expertise . Just wanted to empathise as to how difficult it all is . It's as if they want to drag you down with them . You have to separate yourself you have to think of your own MH and the kids . Make some space for yourself and some treats for yourself because you have to be so strong . If you can confide in someone that will help you'd be surprised how many will understand .can always confide away on here ! My DH is always worse on holidays I don't know if others are like that ? Change of routine or something? So it's,easier just not to bother !

Nice, if sad, to 'chat' with others in the same boat 😏

Our DSes are 14, 11 & 8. DS2 has autism, ADHD & probably hypermobility/dyspraxia. Is at senior school & doing well but receives 20 hours of 1-1 classroom support (was 35 in juniors). So he is a lot of extra work, all of which I have to deal with.

I find that DH is very happy on holiday then down when we get back, like he doesn't want to be in reality. He was awful over Christmas. He had this cough that was going around, but didn't get out of bed/off the sofa for a month - although miraculously did manage to go & watch his football team's Boxing Day mstch. In the meantime, I was working (18.5 hours per week) & looking after the DC, having to take them to work with me. And cancelling 80% of plans we had made, losing money & upsetting the kids, but it was like he couldn't care about that. He kept calling 111, wanting to go to A&E. He definitely has health anxiety, I would say.

He seemed better once Christmas was over, but having up & down days all the time. We had a massive talk the other day where he told me it is me with the problem, because I told him how much I struggled over Christmas.

I'm just basically taking each day as it comes, but it's hard!

Hiya. I am unfortunately that DH (very small d) who suffers from depression and anxiety.

I think the best thing you can do is tell him (when he is not tired and liable to snap your head off) and if possible without losing your grip on your emotions, that his behaviour is having an impact on you and the family and that keeping up your happy mum veneer and keeping the house going is exhausting. My DW did this to me and it hit home, not immediately as I was defensive and all "ah so that's my fault to is it?" at the time, but afterwards I realised what a serious pita I was to live with and that I could at least try to help around the house or realise that my actions had an impact on others.

Sounds obvious that a depressed person makes those around them down, but they can be so inward focused and "woe is me", that they forget about the rest of the world. Be careful though as you dont want him tipping over into "so you'd all be better off without me" territory. Make it clear you love and need him and would not be better off without him, but let him know it is having an impact and that you are human too.

Then suggest he gets help. I have PERSONALLY never had any success with anti-depressants and they have made me worse. But they work for some people and its an option. I have gone to the NHS AIPT website and self referred for therapy. Its a long waiting time (6 months plus), but I've found their support to be really good. In the meantime, I would advise he looks at something like Full Catastrophe Living or tries an MBSR course or the pair of you talk. I know its easier said than done that last bit when you're speaking to a bear with a sore head, but it helps.

Try and figure out what his triggers are - or more to the point try and get him to do so. Is it work? Drink? Lack of sleep? Age and how he looks / feels? Sex? Money? The world? Whatever?

For me, I quit drinking. I quit reading the news. I'm trying to sleep and exercise (hard to exercise when you feel tired and fed up). I have money worries and a tough job and my reflection looks so damned old and I don't remember what sex is, but I'll deal with those afterwards. I am on an IAPT course for Emotional Regulation and following that, I'll be on a course for Anxiety. Those help. The MBSR course I did helped a huge amount, but I need to get back into it.

I wish you luck and I will try and respond if you wish. I just wanted to try and help, as I feel so sad about what the miserable b*stard that I can be does to my always smiling wife and I have seen the cracks in her facade and I understand what a weight I am to drag around and I am working to get back to the old me. We both want it.

PS. Little notes and kindnesses from my wife when I didn't deserve it really helped me. They made me keep on loving her and eventually get around to thinking "maybe I should do something in return". I tend to repay her in DIY. I fix things and try and make the house nicer for us and do chores. When I am at my worst, I withdraw and apologise and say that its not them, its me and I will try and be back as soon as I can.

Thanks for being so open & honest @NomadicSoul. It's good to hear from your perspective & I am sorry that you are suffering. You have given me some things to think about.

I think it's just very hard all round. DH & I had a long heart to heart last week, and lots of promises were made. Things were better for a day or two, but they are quickly back to normal. Everything is me & I don't have the energy to sustain that. But he is not able to see it from anyone's perspective but his own. A sad situation all round really.

Sorry to hear that he's already regressed. I'm not sure what to advise. Maybe get the promises in writing and both of your read them each day (put them somewhere that you can see them) or just say "about all that stuff we said last week...when are you going to pull your head out your *ss and do them?"... or words to that effect :)

Depression is a pretty unpleasant thing to suffer from, but it needs effort from the person suffering from it to alleviate it. Eating properly, drinking water (and quitting alcohol which is a long term depressant), exercising, journaling, (i.e. what is he glad about today, what has he achieved today etc), meditation (this really does have a whole host of scientifically proven benefits (its more effective wrt depression than AD's are) but most people think its some new age clap trap), CBT and DBT are all shown to help. When depressed it can be hard to exercise, but you can do little things and improve on those each day and anyone can focus on their breathing for 5 minutes.

I wish you all the best. You sound like a nice person. Do not get dragged down by him and I hope he starts to do the things that will help him. It takes time but you can come out of it. I am much better than I was and that is through making changes to my life which I had to do, because I love my wife and I don't like her being upset because of me.

Anyway, I better practice what I preach and meditate. Take care and good luck.