At breaking point

[unicornwonders]

i’m not sure why i’m posting, i think i just need to let everything out and in the real world i don’t have anyone to be able to do that. In the last 3 months my life has gone from okay to absolutely awful. it started with family out with my family again (didn’t speak for 3 years prior there very to toxic but i guess i was just happy having someone to bother with me and DD) when i turned 18 i moved away, ironically due to my rubbish family, so have no friends as i’m to anxious to make any here. My Dp is lazy, i tell him i’m depressed he tells me i’m pathetic, i told him i didn’t wanna be here any more he told me to kill myself, sometimes he’s great but he has a temper and can be really mean), my In-laws never bother we have to make the effort or no one will. In november we’d just finished christmas shopping etc and booked a weekend away in january and then more bad luck happens and we lose £500 a month (which is crucial we was only just getting by) if only it happened earlier we wouldn’t of spent as much on christmas, we can’t even get our hotel money back only change date. We’re in a house we hate, Everyday i wake up miserable, i feel awful, I feel so sad my DD has no one, we used to go on lots of days out and do fun things and now that we can’t and she has no one else family wise bothering, i’ve noticed she’s getting very irritable and bored so is starting to act up. i feel hopeless like life can’t get any better, which technically it won’t for at least 6 months. i’m an anxious mess , constantly wondering what i can do to make it different. i’ve thought about meds but how can they help when all the things making me depressed and anxious and real life issues. i just want to wake up and not feel like an empty hopeless mess, i miss having fun, being happy. How is life this hard and i’m only in my mid 20s. i just have nothing to look forward to. I just want everything to be ok yet i’m sat stressing about heating the house and food, and my daughters happiness. This feels like a horrible existence not life.

i just feel so alone i miss company and speaking to other people. i feel lonely all the time which isn’t helping. i envy seeing everyone with their many xmas and new year plans with loads of friends and family when i have no one and nothing, no plans for the further and no happiness. My poor DD i feel sorry for her having a let down mum and i just wish there was something i can do

You love your little girl, and her happiness is everything to you. You sound like a really loving and lovely mum, who needs some tlc for yourself.
Do you have warm hubs near you? There will be drinks/meals, advice, friendly staff/volunteers/other mums and toddlers/older children, from every walk of life. Just being with other people and out of the house will help you feel less alone, and will get you both out of the house, which will also help your little one.
Times are really hard, and Christmas can be so lonely when you feel like you are looking in from the outside, but the days are slowly getting lighter, spring will come, and better days will come.

@GerronBuzanDoThaWomwok thank you for replying, i love my DD more than anything i just feel like i’m letting her down, i know there’s people worse if but i hate she’s not having or doing as much as before i feel guilty. i struggle really bad socially so it might be something to try if there is one nearby. it’s awful seeing everyone at these big family events etc when you have no one.

Sorry you are going through such a tough patch. Christmas and new year can be a really difficult time of year. We are all bombarded with pictures of happy extended families, parties, expensive gifts and outings. It is just advertising, and you are not alone. Real life is not remotely like that for many people.

As the other poster said you sound like a fabulous mum who is able to put her daughter first. Although it sounds like a cliche your time is free, and this is what she will value much. Things like a walk to the park with a flask of hot chocolate can be memorable and enjoyable. I would echo the thought about warm banks, libraries also often have free activities for children. I suffer from social anxiety too so can empathise I hope. Those kind of groups where you can dip in and out of are can be more manageable.
Hold on in there, you are doing a great job . Sending a hug to you 🌻

@unicornwonders I just found your post searching online as I have hit breaking point mylself, it's truly awful I know how you feel! I too have no family, my mogher and sister were awful, my mum died just after my dd was born which was awful and so hard with a very demanding nee born, my sister has since cut all contact. They both made my life a misery, I am not like either of them at all, it felt like an incredibly lonely and long time living with them, it was only my step dad, a very kind and loving man who kept me going but put up with endless amounts of crap from his daughter and my mother, he doesn't see that at all, his daughter doesn't bother with him either since mum died, I just cannot understand why people are how they are and my heart breaks for my daughter. I feel I am in the biggest mess of my life and faced with such fear for the future as my marriage is also decimated, we were not offered any help from the family I have left or his and that's fine but it's hard when you have the lives of others at the click of a finger online, you weren't awares of this or least it was easier not to be when we didn't have SM, now is a very hard time for mums like us to survive with such pressures. I don't know what to say except I am here to talk to as I undertand your situation, I think you should leave your partner and I think I should also leave mine. He shouldn't be saying to go ahead and kill your self that's awful, I think mine has said such things out of anger to me but it's vile, no decent person should ever ever say such a thing to someone they care about even in anger! It just goes to show that they just aren't very nice doesn't if? Do we really want soemone like that as our partner? No! Had I known some of the things he'd said to me over the last few yrs and done before I agreed to form a relationship I'd sure as hell said narrrr next!!! For some reason and I think it's fear of the unknown we stick to what we feel is comfortable even if it's not best for us because we know what to expect, that life is hard enough as it is without not knowing how the figure would be if we were brave enough to give ourselves a chance and say you know what I know what I'm always going to get if I stay here, the future I don't know but let's say it's not all bad it is very likely to be so much better! The chance fo meet someone we get along with, someone that eases our worries and talks to us wirh respect! And if they don't then we certainly won't put up with it a second time, and they may have lovely family we didn't have that accepts us in to their world and changes it to something worth living for! There is still a whole world out there and we need to remember this and try not to let fear cheat us out of the chance of a better life than the one we both know isn't right for us! I've been battling with this for a good 3 yrs but I'm almost ready, I think it'll be the hardest decision of my life but I think I know it'll be better and if not then it might have been worst the chance anyway as I know this will never change, it's ok to get it wrong and make a mistake, in life there is no guarantees, we are also only human! I hope both you and I can make the change we need to for a better for stress free life and try not to dwell as will I on what we lack, it's painful but it's like stabbing the knife further the more we keep going back to how hard if us, nothi no will ever change it sadly but I don't also believe blood is thicker than water my step dads been the kindest nicest person I've ever met and only one that's ever made me feel truely loved! Xxx