Sorry, its a long one!
I'm 34, happily married with 2 children.
My mother passed away 2 months ago from a fairly short illness. In January she was told she had 2 to 3 years to live but her body gave up in the end.
*A bit of a back story
I'm an only child by my parents. I do have 2 half sisters from my dad's previous marriage but they are estranged. When I was born, my dad was jealous of me and we have never had a very good father, daughter relationship. Towards my mum, he was financially abusive, she lost all of her friends when they got together. This was in 1982. she was very naive person, but a very good person. She was my world and my rock! Towards me, my dad was very dismissive, short tempered and I always felt like I did something wrong. I lied to my dad when I was 9, about taking a larger bit of my birthday cake and he didn't talk to me for about 9 months. When I passed my driving test, I was only allowed my best friend in the car. One night, i met up with my best friend and 2 of my other friends at the cinema. At the end of the night, my 2 friend couldn't get a taxi. I felt bad and I drive them home. At that time, I was sleeping over at my best friend's house. When we arrived at hers, my dad rang to see if I was back at hers safely. He then asked me who was in the car and I only said my best friend. (I panicked, and lied to him) Turns out, he had turned up to the cinema carpark to wait for me and saw my other 2 friends in the car. That particular time, he went mad and then didn't talk to me for a year. Its only since I've had my 2 children (7 and 5) that I've realised that i had been controlled by him and I broke myself free from his hold.
From the age of 6 until I was around 9 I was sexually abused. I told my mum that my abuser asked if I had a hairy vagina around 9 years old. Growing It wasn't until 5 years ago I thought I had dreamt telling my mum about telling her at 9 years old because nothing was done about it. Maybe she was scared about what my dad would do 🤷♀️
Throughout my childhood, I was bullied in school. I lost the sight in my eye when I was 18, due to a blood clot.
Since my mother has died, I feel like my life is spiralling. I can't cope. I've always struggled with my mental health but I feel like I can't do life anymore 😢