38 and feeling like I have a pointless existence

[Lostinlifenow]

Does anyone else feel like they're living a pointless existence?
So my children are getting older. I really thought things would get easier but they're not..
I should be happy but I jus feel like what's next?
I honestly wish I'd killed myself before I had children. I love them so much I couldn't leave them.
I work hard at 2 jobs that fit around the kids . Try to be the best mother/wife and person. Just feel like I'm failing at life. Everyone else can manage and I struggle every day. Not sure I can face another year. Anyone else feel like this?.

I didn't want to read and run.
Im 40 and 2 years ago I felt exactly like you do now.

I felt numb and that life was pointless. Turns out I was peri menopausal.

I recently started HRT and feel tonnes better. I can actually see some colour in life for the first time in years.

Im not sure if this is the case for you, but please reach out to your family, friends and go see your GP asap.

Sending

37 with a similar mood. Were your periods still regular? Did you have any physical symptoms or mood only?

It isn't just you. I'm 41 and feel exactly like this. Trapped in a never ending cycle of slog by choices I made years ago, career especially, it's like I'm watching myself from outside my own body. Libido vanished, motivation at an all time low and I used to be a real over-achiever until ... well, until DC and covid times, which were simultaneous so hard to know which to blame!

Burnout sounds like a real possibility for you with 2 jobs and kids.

Do please talk to someone OP. Do you have a supportive partner?

@Puffin87 periods were irregular, but funnily are now regular and lighter.

I had some hot flushes, low libido, weight gain, lack of motivation, low mood but feeling very numb with it, and aching joints. It was awful, and the GP were dismissing me as blood tests came back as normal. It was a consultant who confirmed on symptoms alone this year.

Push for a referral to a gynaecologist!!

@supergel how did you find out you were perimenopausal? What tests were carried out? I have mentioned this to GP when I had blood tests as said I'm not feeling myself anymore. They quickly dismissed it.
I do still have regular periods. Just feel like this 😪
Thanks everyone for your replies..@Puffin87 @mumsys I am already on a low dose antidepressant. I've been putting off talking to GP and being honest about how I feel. I've been hoping things would get easier.. after a tough time at the beginning of the year, catching covid, a health scare and an unplanned pregnancy I thought time would heal but I guess I've jus ended up feeling worse. 2 children are teenagers, 1 primary age so I should be having time for me but jus feeling lost.

@Tigertealeaves this sounds exactly like me...the choices I made so I could be present for my children means im feeling pretty stuck job wise...
I feel soul less like every day I'm jus getting through.
I do have hot flushes though and libido has completely disappeared. I think I need to push the Gp into more tests but what should I be asking for? Not sure where to start. But sounds like I need to rule peri menopause out

Do you have a perception that you're failing because you don't feel excited about your life?

@Lostinlifenow I had blood tests that came back normal and so the Gp dismissed me. I pushed for a gynaecologist referral and they confirmed it on symptoms, which for me were hot flushes, joint pain, weight gain, fatigue, general brain fog and loss of libido.

I would definitely push to see a gynaecologist if I were you, you don't have to feel like this. So many women are being let down by dismissive medical professionals.

Oh love, I'm feeling like this. Very lost. It's horrible to feel trapped and like you're wasting your life, so I'm just posting in solidarity.
In my case I kinda know what I need to do once I relocate my courage and strength.
I would suggest definitely changing your GP and starting counselling.
Not mind blowing advice! But I'm sure it would be a good idea.

Evening.
We're just bobbing on here to say that we're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our Mental Health page.
Very best wishes from all at MNHQ

💐 You are not failing at all and you are doing your best, you’re clearly trying so hard and you’re a great mother for doing that. I can’t offer any better advice than what what pp have said but please don’t be so hard on yourself and do get some help to loft your moods / hormones . It will get better 🙏

Hiya Op, I saw this post and I can totally relate to how you feel. Most days I feel like I could go sleep and not wake up. I wish I didn't have kids because there are a constant worry and stress for me. If they weren't here if probably wouldn't be.

Thanks everyone for your replies.....and advice.
I'm sorry to hear others are feeling this way too.
I suppose I really need to try and sort myself out in the new year, wether that's upping meds or counselling/further investigation into poss perimenopause.
I struggle to find time for me with juggling everything else in life!!
I think I've just been hoping things will get better.... beginning of last year I was happy and looking forward to the future.
Then I found out I was pregnant (contraception failure). Initially was happy but caught covid a week later and was really ill... plus had a cancer scare. It's like my whole mindset changed and I made the heartbreaking decision to terminate (with husbands encouragement). He 100% wanted no more.
Ever since I've not felt the same..... it's like any joy I had has gone.
Anyway I hope anyone else feeling this way can work out what they need to do to feel better and get help needed.