Can anyone relate? Don't want to be here, but feel obliged to stick at it.

[StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf]

I'm struggling to put my thoughts into words, have self medicated a bit.

In a nutshell, I don't want to be alive, I don't enjoy life, feel I've tried everything but it just isn't enough. I long for nothing more than to drift into permanent and peaceful nothingness. I think about it a lot.

But I can't. There are people who rely on me who would be too damaged, unsafe even, if I left. Ironically that sense of obligation, combined with a lack of appreciation, is a big part of why I hate my life so much.

Just wondering if anyone has been through similar and has any advice? The thought of having to keep slogging it out day after day makes me weep with despair, I just don't want to!

I'm going to try to sleep but would welcome waking up to any wise words.

I feel like voluntary euthanasia should be available in these circumstances so people can get their affairs in order and go safely and peacefully if they choose to.

Oh my gosh yes. I was just looking for a thread I read maybe a week ago where it seemed like everyone was saying - this is shit, isn’t it?

I am the same. Don’t know why really - three incredible and gorgeous kids, ok financially, but feel like I am on a hamster wheel. Married but lonely, work hard but always feel anxious. Feel I wish I could just turn it all off but can’t hurt my kids and those I love.

I find myself wading through the days to try to get through it into a less difficult bit, and I think that is the only way. Distract myself and think about something else till the feeling passes.

hope you can do the same. Hugs. Feeling this way is shit xx

I’ve been there & worse and it is a constant struggle. The best thing you can do is find one thing you enjoy and make sure you do it regularly. Even if you don’t feel like it, force yourself to do it. Depression is like any virus, it’s objective is to kill you. It is a mind worm that will feed you nothing but negative thoughts and feelings. It will do anything to keep you from what you usually enjoy doing and for awhile, it can actually block your enjoyment when you are doing that activity. It can’t keep it up though, so please, pick one thing the old you always enjoyed and start doing it regularly. Schedule it with your partner, friend, relative so you’re less likely to cave and skip it. Once you have a bit of pleasure in your life, the cracks will spread like lava and the darkness will start to retreat.

No advice but could have written this. The struggle outweighs the joy, to the point where the struggle is pointless. Work, house falls to pieces, costs thousands to still be freezing cold, enough! Hope you have some good days OP.

I think this is a lot more common than people think. I feel like this permanently and it’s worse as I’m getting older - I’m on HRT and anti depressants etc but I think it’s more of a natural response to my health getting worse as I’m getting older (autoimmune issues / disabilities) and generally feeling bored with life itself. And yet at the same time I know many people have it much, much worse and that makes me feel even worse. I think we’re all programmed to try and “solve” depression but actually it’s a natural state for many, many people.

Oh my gosh OP I could have written your post. I feel the same. I was driving home today trying to decide which would be the easiest and most gentle way to go. I’m so done with the monotony of trying to present a shape of OKness. The only thing that stops me is that I feel like my kids would end up suffering pain and misery from my action. If it wasn’t for them I would have tried to slip away a few months ago.

Your post is beautifully written OP. I feel the same and it brought tears to my eyes.

What other posters say about others having it worse and this making me feel worse as I can't enjoy the privileges I have, also resonates strongly.

For me, I stay alive for my sons and I'm now clear that anything else is a bonus. I'm alone and expect to stay alone (I'm neurodiverse with complex ptsd etc etc). I feel people dislike me and want to stay away from me as I get them down. A horrible loneliness and anhedonia have descended the last few years so that I can't enjoy the things I used to.

My sons would suffer so much if I killed myself that I know I can never do it (until I'm very old and can argue it for other health reasons, then they would feel I didn't abandon them).

I stay alive by wanting the happiness for them that I don't have. When I hit my worst I look at my photos of them (I don't see them a lot now) and repeat to myself that I cannot hurt them by leaving them. This can often become a horrible vortex of anxiety and anger (how can I keep this life going just for others when it's unbearable...but I CANT HURT THEM.)

I live alone and isolated and so I try to make loving gestures to myself every day. It feels fake. But I put a hand on my heart or hug myself and tell myself 'I care for you and love you'. Depression wants us to hate ourselves. Today I put my tree lights on just for myself. At my worst I sit in front of netflix likea zombie all day and despise myself for this uselessness. But my sons love me and they would prefer me flat out in front of netflix forever rather than dead.

I also hope for voluntary euthanasia in the next decades for people like us. I've beem through mental and physical pain and mental is as bad or worse. And for some of us it never ends. When my boys are older I might be able to talk frankly about this to them as I could if I were in constant physical pain. Who knows.

You may not have children and sorry to focus on that op. But you have said that you live for others and this is such a noble thing to do. Give yourself credit for getting up (even if you don't get up every day!!) And dealing with pain so many will never understand day in day out because you care for others. You are a really strong person to be doing this. Tell yourself this every day. ❤️

Wow, thanks everyone. It's awful to read that others feel the same way but at the same time comforting to feel understood. Wish I knew the secret to make this better for all of us.

I've tried to connect with the people I care for - the ones I stay alive for - but they can't see past their own needs and are just annoyed at me for being miserable and not able to do everything they want me to. The lack of empathy breaks my heart. Sometimes they say the most awful things.

I'm really feeling this right now. Nobody to talk to. Nobody would understand.

I'm back on this thread as things are even worse, and this seemed to be the only place I've ever reached out where people understood.

I have 2 people in my life who love me to pieces but are totally ill equipped to help, I can't even talk to them about how I'm feeling because it will send them into a tailspin and I'll end up looking after them instead of the other way round.

2 more people who I love more than anything who couldn't care less about me and when I tell them I am feeling very fragile and need help, they actually treat me worse. Call me a sook, tell me to grow up, do more of whatever it is that is hurting me.

I don't think this can be classed as depression or something that can be diagnosed and treated. It's just a fucking shit life that isn't worth living.

I relate aswell only too well. I have a host of disabilities since I was only 19, a string of failed abusive relationships and friendships and everyday I wish it could just end. On the outside I'm happy and smiley, always trying to help other people etc. I feel awful for saying it but there have even been times I wish I got cancer so at least that way my life would end relatively soon.
I really only stay alive for a handful of people because if I did anything it would devastate them.

Thinking of you op, you aren't alone in feeling like this ❤

Honestly, I could have written this. I thought I was the only one who felt this way but it seems not.

@cocopops11 with you on the cancer thing. 100% feel it.

I hope everyone feels better one way or another to get through.

Sending love to you OP and to everyone else who has posted here. I'm not in that particular mental space at the moment - but this time last year I practically had Samaritans and the mental health crisis team on speed dial, was googling ways to kill myself and make it look like an accident so my DD didn't feel responsible.
Someone posted above about doing something you enjoy everyday and I would wholeheartedly second that. What has worked for me over the year is sorting out my medication and doing something that makes me feel worthwhile and that I enjoy a few times in the week - even if I don't feel like it.

I've had a few dips like this in my life where it felt like life was this relentless, mind-numbing struggle - full of fear and with the joy sucked out - and when I'm going through this I feel like this is it. This is forever - but I always come out the other side eventually.
Christmas can be really shit for this - all this forced jollity combined with a time where everything feels more static. It's my least favourite time of the year
I have wanted other people to save me from it and to understand - but I have had to accept over time that people that know me well do not have the capacity to make this go away - and often feel impotent and angry - so finding things that make me feel like me and doing them and putting one foot in front of the other is the way to go - and it does work. You can find the light in all of this x

This is exactly how I'm feeling right now too. Ive got severe physical issues which have affected my mental health and I just feel like I don't want to be here any longer.

I've got a DD who lives with me along with my partner and I know they both love me and need me but I feel like I just have nothing to be here for.

I can totally relate OP! I am almost 50 now and have had decades of not wanting to be here anymore, but like you, I have people who rely on me. Being born with depression is like having a millstone around your neck, you never get to enjoy the things other people do and life is a constant struggle.

Have a lot of problems - my mental health has never been great and been on antidepressants for several years which have helped a little but not massively (I tried a number of different ones but switched as either too many extreme side effects or didn’t seem to have any effect. )

My depression levels are triggered by my life circumstances which are pretty shit right now

• financially struggling
• sit in a cold house mainly as sunk in just how much it costs to heat house
• job is a complete shit show and likely to be made redundant in next couple months anyway (not just me - company wide). but in the meantime there’s not a lot that can be progressed which just makes me feel useless even though I know objectively isn’t my fault
• job market isn’t great currently
• confidence all time low
• anxiety all time high - can’t sleep, heart palpitations, chest pain, burning skin
• cant really see an improvement to my situation without a miracle
• fantasise about having a car accident - when I read about fatal accidents I think why couldn’t that be me instead - the person who died probably had a lot more going for them and wanted to live
• I try and think of different options but they all seem so hard. Eg seeing doctor to try another medication - getting to see a gp is so hard and even if I get prescribed something the chances are it won’t make much difference or even make me worse. If I got any worse I think I’d make plans to end it
• everything is so depressing around me

i manage to shower most days and get dressed but it’s such an effort. I also can’t switch my mind off worrying all the time

I just want it all to stop :(

I too can relate to your post OP.

I feel so sad in myself right now, too sad to talk about it but ready to cry (again).

Thank you for sharing how you feel and the other posters. I hope things improve for us all. Take care.

Exactly the same.

Hi OP, sorry this is a little late from your post but couldn’t read without responding. Just wanted to say I have been where you are back in the summer and it was a very scary time, it does get better, I promise. Reach out to your doctors, mine were amazing and offered lots of support and counselling which really helped me. Taking time away from work and letting people around me know that I needed space to heal did the world of good. I sincerely hope you can get through this dark time. Sending lots of love xxx

We have suicide in the family and I've seen how utterly horrifc it is for those left behind. My dcs are very vulnerable anyway and it would break my df heart. But God, I'd so rather not be here.

I felt like this for a very long time but it did get better very very slowly.

Hang on in there but speak to the GP ask for professional support 💕