Parents didn’t want me, how do I get over that?

[Shnowfairy]

I have really low self esteem because I wasn’t wanted by anyone as a child. My Dad left when I was four, my Mum was always really angry at me for… existing, I suppose. She felt that I ruined her life because she had me so young and that it was all my fault that she was unemployed and missed out on socialising with her friends because she didn’t have any childcare.

I’ve since come to terms with the fact that she’s just a shitty person and I simply had poor luck being born to someone like that, but I can’t stop feeling unlikeable, like it’s very obvious that nobody could ever want me because nobody ever has.

I’m sure this is quite common and I’d really love to beat it so that I can start enjoying my life. Any advice?

Hope your ok. Your dad left your mum and as a result she had no childcare and blamed that solely on you. They both sound shitty but makes me wonder why he absconded.

Maybe you could see a therapist?

Fill your life with things and people you love and keep moving forward. There is enough happiness out there for us all, we just need to be open to finding it.

I second the suggestion of therapy. Failing that, I'd suggest investigating Inner Child work. There's a lot of books out there. The Emotionally Absent Mother by Jasmin Lee Cori is a self-help book recommended to me by my therapist and could be a good place to start. I found it helpful.

What exactly do you mean that nobody has ever wanted you? Do you have no friends at all?

When you initially meet people (and even for a long time after) they will have no clue of the hurt and pain you will have suffered. And because of the hurt and pain you have suffered, you might hold back from developing friendships/relationships because of your self esteem. Do you shy away from making friends?

I'm sorry you drew a short straw with your parents but you can overcome this and live a happy life. Your mum's feelings towards you are hugely misdirected but unfortunately it happens alot and I can understand how shitty having shitty parents feels 💐.

In this situation, get therapy. Talking this through with a skilled therapist could help you with these feelings.

I’m the same. I’m over it. You don’t need them to want you, it isn’t a qualifier to be deserving of a happy life. I don’t think raking over it will help actually - keep busy, focus on yourself and any quality friendships you have, develop a dark sense of humour (😉) and accept that life is fairly cruel to a lot of people. Make this moment right now okay. And try not to ruminate on past memories, look forward. You have a life to live.

Any advice on what sort of therapist you'd be looking for for this kind of issue?

Thanks all😊

I’ve been to a few different therapists on the NHS but they weren’t particularly helpful. They were pushing the whole ‘just try not to think about it and move on with your life’ narrative, which of course isn’t the right approach for trauma. I’m saving up to go private, but hoping to work on things in the meantime if I can.

I don’t have any friends as my self esteem is way too low. I’m feeling positive that one day I’ll be able to deal with the trauma and improve my self worth, I’ve just hit a bit of a wall with getting there and can’t find much on Google about what to try next😅

@Cranarc I’ve just ordered that book, thanks for the recommendation!

Are you asking me or asking for yourself? I have absolutely no idea, but I’d also like to know!

I’d definitely avoid CBT though, it doesn’t delve into the past at all and tries to just get you thinking positive and essentially trying to ignore any trauma rather than dealing with it.

OP
My start in life was quite similar. I think I may be much older than you, and I realised I may never be ‘over’ it.
There are a few things which have helped me through.
I really struggle to know what ‘good’ relationships are. I’ve accepted some very bad behaviour from partners and friends. However, my gut always told me the truth, it just took me a very long time to listen to it. If you have an instinct/ gut that tries to tell you things- listen. It will save you from more heartache ( you have had enough).
Try not to compare yourself to anyone. The word ‘should’ can be extremely destructive. It doesn’t matter what other people are doing and at what point in their life they are doing it- the most important thing is that you are determined to keep moving forward. The pace doesn’t matter.
I’ve learned that therapy is great in small doses. It is unlikely that one therapist will help you completely get over it- rather, one will help get me to the next phase of healing.

Finally, I’ve realised that this is my life. My start in life is part of who I am. Try to spend a bit of time recognising the strength you have build from it.
Good luck ♥️

I agree. CBT did nothing for my childhood emotional trauma. You want a therapist who uses a psychodynamic approach.

Sorry OP, it sounds like you had a shit childhood. It's great that you're sure pursuing therapy, but in the meantime if you can I would try and be curious about your thoughts, and try and catch yourself sabotaging in the moment if you can. It is really hard but once your bring awareness to what you are doing and how negatively you speak to yourself and crucially, begin to understand that you hold the power to change then everything can begin to look different. The difficulty is confronting the thoughts tho, which is how therapy can benefit in my opinion. Good luck. I quite like The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle