Posting mostly to vent. Wondered if anyone else experienced similar.
I'm in my mid-thirties and have 'high functioning' bipolar. It had been in remission for years (with mild to moderate symptoms) to the extent that I saw two psychiatrists who thought I'd been misdiagnosed and potentially had ADHD instead.
However, since October I've been depressed getting progressively worse. No interest in anything, not meeting friends anymore, showing up to work daily because I have to - and getting really good results with effort. It's a pretty highly paid job, I'm not on any benefits and I know from past experience that people would be shocked if I told them my diagnosis.
I've been seeing a therapist privately since September 2021, which helps. Unfortunately, she had no appointments this December and had to cancel the one available appointment mid-month due to illness.
I left a very emotionally abusive relationship a few months ago, though we're still in regular contact by text. I find it hard to cope without him and have been told its trauma bonding. I met him at Christmas two years ago, which is a trigger.
Recently, a psychiatrist agreed that I could start lithium again, after several years of being mostly unmedicated. My dad immediately tried to talk me out of taking any medication when I mentioned it.
The issue is that a few days ago, I'd gone to a play with my adult siblings (30s) and parents (70). While I'd been feeling really down and had disguised it for months, something about it triggered a bad episode and I couldn't stop crying when I got in the car afterwards.
Immediate responses:
- "Why are you so selfish?! You're ruining Christmas. You're just putting it on."
- "I've had enough of this. I'm going home."
- "You're not the only person who has had a hard year, you know."
- "Why don't you just move to another city or go on holiday?"
I feel like avoiding them all for a long time. Each comment was said with absolute anger and zero comfort. Growing up, any time I'd cry I'd immediately be sternly told to stop it.