I don't know where to begin because everything is a mess.
I have been with my partner for 5 years now and we have 4 young children aged between 3 and 11 months.
He has always been a drinker, never abusive but can get nasty when things don't go his way. I used to love having a drink too until I had my children. I suffered very bad postnatal depression after our middle children were born which resulted in me being hospitalised after attempting to take my own life. This has gotten better over time but I still suffer high bouts of anxiety at times. I am no longer on any medication and have been doing really well.
Over the past few months though my partner drinking began to spiral out of control and this affected us alot. He was going out saying he would be half hour not coming back for hours on end. He'd lie to me repeatedly etc. This led to us almost ending our relationship but we talked it all through he went to AA for guidance and things have gotten better once again. Then last night he decided to have a drink with his mum and dad for Christmas which I didn't have a problem with or so I thought. I saw him with one drink and my whole sense of reasoning went out of the window. I couldn't take it I couldn't bare the idea of going back to how we were 2 months ago when we were at breaking point and I told him this. Now my telling him this which he has taken as me having a go at him and has resulted in us having the worst argument we have ever had. We have both said things that. I then spent the majority of the night contemplating my life and sat with a knife in my hand just wanting to end it all. He said I'm narcissistic but ivectold him I'm scared for him and our family. He said if I'm thats scared to leave him. I have referred myself back to the mental health team but I just don't know what to do. I love him with all my heart and he I'd the best dad but I just feel so lost and have no one to talk to about any of this.