A Year in Therapy

[TheOtherHotstepper]

I have now been in psychodynamic therapy for a year for cPTSD, which I thought initially was principally caused by childhood abuse.

Therapy has done nothing whatsoever for my symptoms. The flashbacks are as regular and as all consuming as ever and the indication from my therapist is that it was never going to make any difference to them. When she diagnosed me, my GP said that this therapy was all that was available in my area and because of COVID I waited two years to start it, so I'm disappointed. I've now had six years of this and I need it to stop.

What therapy has done however, has shown me that the events that have traumatised me were caused by my DH and his family, separately and together. It would be potentially outing to say what these events were/are, but they continue to this day. I am sure I am in no physical danger from them, but I now understand that it is this family which has destroyed my mental health, rather than the one I grew up in.

Until I got to this point, I thought I was reasonably happily married.

What the hell do I do now?

If you believe what your therapist has shown you to be true the only rational next step is to stop it by leaving the marriage. What other alternative could there be?

Hi, any response you get from any of us will be woefully lacking in context, as it is incredibly difficult to understand or comment on anyome else's therapeutic stuff but a couple of things you said really stuck out for me.
This
'the indication from my therapist is that it was never going to make any difference to them'.
and 'I've now had six years of this and I need it to stop'.
I feel like the first statement must have more to it and from the second I want to ask if you understand who is in control here?
I wish you well, I don't know if it's time to release the therapy yet if you can afford to continue as it feels like there is a lot more here.

Have you had a proper psychiatric assessment?

The blurring of the diagnosis and continuing issues makes it difficult but a GP cannot diagnose c-PTSD so if she has told you this and you are having therapy for a misdiagnosis it won't work? It sounds like your problem is ongoing rather than historical

@Eyesopenwideawake, I went to the GP initially with flashbacks which started the night I found out that my estranged DM had died and which relate solely, even now to her verbal, physical and emotional abuse of me. I think I'd basically parked it all and her death released the floodgates. All I have pursued is getting rid of the flashbacks. They are intrusive and unwanted. My therapist has indicated that the therapy was never going to do that and will never do it.

Re your second statement, I suppose I should be in control of my life and I mostly am, but I can't get this back in its box on my own,

@givethistokevin I have never had, or been offered, a psychiatric assessment. In relation to this issue I have had one GP appointment where I was given a diagnosis of cPTSD and referred me to IAPT, who said I was completely outside their remit and referred me to a charity who, after a two year wait because of lockdown, offered me psychodynamic therapy.

By the time I got to therapy, I had actually made peace with a lot of what had happened in my past, but therapy has drawn out the fact that by far the most important thing that happened in my life is the behaviour of DH and his family, which is ongoing.

Notwithstanding the other issues that have come up as a result of the therapy, please consider remedial therapy to deal with the flashbacks/intrusive thoughts. Happy to send you a list of Control System practitioners who regularly work with these issues. All work by video and most offer a free, no commitment, initial consultation.

That should read remedial hypnosis.

Why are you still with your husband if he is at the root of all your issues?

This is very new. I haven't had time to give any practical thought to where I go from here.

Maybe you need to talk to your therapist about where you go from here? Seems like the most sensible thing to do.

If you trust your therapist and feel that you have a good therapeutic relationship then it seems to me that you should probably continue for the time being.

It seems as though your therapist has only recently said that the therapy would never have helped with the flashbacks. How has this only come up now? Did you not state at the beginning of the therapy what your primary issue was that you wanted sorted?

I have not been formally diagnosed with cPTSD but I am pretty sure I have some form of it. My therapist has confirmed that I had an abusive childhood (it can be easy to gaslight oneself, hence why I asked for her view). I don't have flashbacks as such but I have terrible emotional swings and we are working on why those happen and what is triggering them. I've been doing therapy for less than 6 months but I am already feeling more emotionally robust. I think it will take a long time to unpick everything. My therapist's approach is mostly psychodynamic though she will integrate other approaches. I do wonder whether your flashbacks are being triggered by your emotional reactions and if you are able to work through this the flashbacks may lessen.

However, since your husband and his family seem to be at the root of at least part of the problem you have a double whammy. Things they do are probably triggering your reactions. But now you know what is going on, I would hope your therapist would be able to work with you on how you react. It is not unusual for people who have been subjected to abuse to end up repeating the pattern with partners. Also, being unable to set and regulate one's own boundaries and reactions effectively can exacerbate the problem. I've thought about leaving my husband in the past but actually, although he does sometimes trigger bad reactions, he is basically a good and supportive partner. In my case, leaving him would have been throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

Making peace at an intellectual level with what has gone on in your past is not the same as making peace with it emotionally, as I have discovered. I also thought I had made peace with much of it but the emotional effects on me have got worse with age, not better.

I wish you well as you navigate this.

@Eyesopenwideawake Apologies for the delayed response. Things took a sudden turn a couple of weeks ago. A list of Control System practitioner's would be very useful, thank you.

Hmm. If the therapy hasn't helped alleviate the underlying problem, why trust what the therapist has decided is the new cause?

Maybe you do have a happy marriage and a bad therapist is meddling with it. Wouldn't be the first time. Or maybe the therapist has uncovered unhealthy behaviour patterns that you had accepted as normal because they were familiar from your childhood or conditioning. I wouldn;t leave a marriage on the strength of opinions of a therapist you don;t think has helped you much, just saddled you with fresh concerns.

I would look into getting a different form of therapy as a first step. EMDR is supposed to be quick and extremey effective for dealing with trauma and flashbacks. At very least push your GP for a referral to this or look into funding it yourself, if you can. Might cost the price of an annual holiday but for a lifetimes freedom from flashbacks, I'd think it worth the investment (I have no stake here, btw. I have just looked into it for a family member.)

Sent 😊