Would you carry on in this situation?

[DontLoseYourFightKid]

History of depression, therapy and medication have never helped.
Years later learning that I most likely have autism with ADHD, along with OCD tendencies and probably causing the depression.
Severe PND after son was born, resulting in a near suicide attempt.
Son later being diagnosed with autism, the process of which completely crushed me and my husband. He is likely to always be non verbal and we're having to accept the lifelong care he will always need.
2 and a half years of infertility, such a cruel journey, along with being diagnosed with 2 separate chronic health conditions, which I'm having to learn to live with the pain.
Finally conceiving, only to have a miscarriage this week at nearly 10 weeks pregnant. An absolutely horrendous experience which I will never get over. The light at the end of our very dark tunnel completely stamped out. Christmas now ruined forever more, and everything around us a constant reminder of the huge void in our life. The only way I can imagine 'coping' is to completely withdraw from seeing anyone ever again, which socially is possible but I still need to work.

Writing this down I can't actually believe this is our life. We're good people and I don't know what we've ever done to deserve this, but I don't know how people live with this amount of pain. DH and I often talk of suicide, but nobody would be able to offer the care that our son needs, so we're kind of stuck living this life, hoping it goes quickly.

This isn't asking for help or advice as nothing can change our situation, but I'm just asking, in complete honestly would you/could you carry on in this situation?

Oh op. I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through all that. Please reach out for support, for yourself and for your DH. Can you afford some counselling together? You are overwhelmed with the bad things which is understandable but I think you cannot see the good things at all. If you can afford it or apply for it, please get some regular respite help. Something that you can build a routine around so you have breathing space and time with your DH to do more pleasant things. It’s so important to not get lost in your pain.

And would I continue? Objectively yes. You have suffered many various set backs but therapy can help with some and support can help with others. All 3 of you are valid and valuable people.

Thank you for your words @Stickmansmum Unfortunately private counselling isn't something we could afford, but I honestly don't see how it would help. Telling someone our situation and being told that's it's ok to feel how we do doesn't actually change us feeling it.
We have very supportive family who can provide respite for us, but it just gives me more time to think about how different our life is to what we'd hoped and I feel even more miserable. There's nothing that I enjoy doing so free time is completely pointless.

Counselling would support you getting out of the negative thought pattern. You're knee deep in it right now, your posts show that. This isn't a criticism, it's just where you are (understandably) at.

Life doesn't work on people deserving a certain way of life. Anything we do comes with a risk it won't work out the way we wanted it to.

I would carry on. For your child if nothing else. You have a supportive family that will help you. This is more than lots of people. Use that respite time to invest in yourself.

I’m so sorry all of this has happened in your life. It is so hard when things turn out so differently to what you had imagined and hoped. You are most likely to be grieving the loss of what you had hoped for and that can be incredibly tough and on top of grieving the loss of your baby sounds so painful.
You have done nothing to deserve this - life is just so unfair at times.

I have very different circumstances but have lived with a lot of pain for many years now emotionally and physically with some serious mental health conditions and so far I have managed to continue although I often fantasise about suicide. I keep in my head that what I want to end is the pain and not my life. It keeps me going even if ‘going’ is crawling on my knees.
I have nothing I can offer you to help but I’m really hoping that things begin to change for you and life gives you a break for enough time for you to breathe and begin to find some hope and build some strength. sending love.

I’m very sorry for your recent loss.
Before all these setbacks in life happened, what little things did you enjoy?
Did you like to go to the cinema and watch horror films?
Did you like to swim laps or climb hills?
Did you like to sit and people watch with a good coffee?
Pick something that used to make you smile, book in a respite day/afternoon for your son, and go and do that nice thing for yourself. Then keep doing it regularly - every week if you can. It probably won’t feel as good as it used to to start with - this is a feature of depression, you stop enjoying things that used to give you pleasure. But if you start back up doing them again you might find that pleasure creeps back in again - this is especially true for things involving physical exercise because endorphins are a physical response that will happen regardless of your baseline mood and life stressors.
What things make you and your son smile? Have you got any funding for him that could be spent on something he loves and you love watching him do? Riding for the disabled? Trampoline? Walking in the forest? Again. Do these things as open as you can.
I totally get the wanting to withdraw socially, but even introverts need some socialization. Can you force yourself to do one thing a month? A coffee with an old friend? A telephone or FaceTime call with a sibling? If there’s no one available (it happens to a lot of us when life gets complicated) then consider joining a club or class each that gets you out the house and in adult company once in a while. It could be something like aqua aerobics at the local pool or a support group for parents of children with disabilities or parkrun or a night school class. Pick something that will slot into your lives without causing more stress - if you miss Park run one week it’s no big deal. If you sign up for the local amateur dramatics club and can’t make all the rehearsals or performances then that will create huge stress. Pick something inexpensive or free if you’re on a tight budget.

You have been unlucky in life in the last decade. You didn’t do anything to deserve it. Those things just happened. It’s not your fault. Your life will never be exactly as you had imagined it and some parts of it will always be scary or stressful or sad (and boring. All lives have big chunks of boring in them). But that doesn’t mean every moment of every day will feel depressing. Prioritize some things that you know used to make you happy and then stick with it until you start to have flashes of good feelings again.
Oh, and try the meds if you haven’t already. They can help give you a leg up moodwise while you make changes to add some happy feelings back into your life.

Oh OP, not many threads make me tear up but yours has because I can relate so much.

Currently sat on the sofa with my poorly 10 year old autistic, non verbal DD. She's feeling rough which makes her lash out even more, pinching the living daylights out of me. It bloody hurts. My DH and I can't quite believe we've been dealt this card either and it's hard to get your head round a very different future to the one you expect. But no one should ever think their future is set in stone. Anyone's can change in a moment.

I can't offer much more than pp have apart from to tell you, its not hopeless. If you have strength together, try to hold onto each other and look after each other.

My marriage has seriously taken a kicking and all the things we dreamt of doing together are looking very unlikely so we have to try and carve different expectations. Mainly this new life has taught us to try very hard to cherish the things that we usually take for granted. Our dd learning something new or laughing hysterically at something so simple. The sun on your face. A good cup of tea. Chocolate! A cuddle. Try to find happiness in smaller things I beg you. It's what I try so hard to do every day and try not to focus on the future. Look after each other, love each other. Sending you a big hug. I know how you feel ❤️

Oh and if you'd like to pm me, please do ❤️

Thank you all so much for your lovely words, I really appreciate you all responding to me. I'm sorry @Chickeapea that you endure similar struggles, I am in awe of anyone who has a child with special needs, no one else will ever understand just how hard it is xx

@allwalkedout Thank you I'm so sorry you feel similar, that's a really useful way of thinking about the suicidal feeling, wanting to end the pain not my life ❤️