Massive fear of death

[Fedupandanxious]

I have NC'd for this as some other posts of mine could be outing

I have suffered with anxiety since I was a teen, so 20+ years, on and off meds, lots of CBT and good periods and flare ups

Recently someone close to the family died suddenly and I am a mess. It has really affected my anxiety to the point that I am terrified of just dropping dead. I have two DC's, one still fairly young and the thought of leaving them behind makes me feel sick

The fear of just 'not existing' is really making me feel uneasy too

Nothing seems to get rid of this feeling, it's like impending doom, I feel that my days are numbered, worried even that I won't make it to Christmas

Has anyone else experienced anything similar and got past it?

I am taking meds for anxiety and having CBT online at the moment, but despite that, this fear is still monopolising my waking hours

Any advice/support would be much appreciated

Bump

I think everyone goes through a period of being petrified of dying, I know I did. The reality is, the vast majority of us will die in old age, which is why the recent death affected you so deeply - because it's very, very unusual.

There are certain steps you can take on a practical level; make sure your will is up to date, that you have lots of life assurance in place (written in trust for your children) and that your wishes in the very unlikely event of your premature death.

After that you have a choice. Spend every day in fear and dread of something that isn't going to happen for many years, thus missing all the fun and enjoyment of life now or determine to make amazing memories for you and your children that you will all laugh about when you're 80.

Thank you very much for your reply

You're right, it is rare, it's just so final (obviously) once it does happen

I don't want to spend time worrying about it, unfortunately it is taking over at the moment. I need to try and focus on making those memories 😌

@Fedupandanxious I understand that feeling. I'm older than you, mid 50s, and have had anxiety and other MH problems all my life. When I first suffered a close bereavement in my mid 40s, I developed a real fear of death. Before that I'd often thought about it, but in a more detached way. People often say they fear dying but not death itself, as unless you believe in an afterlife (I don't), you won't know you're dead etc. But my thinking became dominated more by a horror of, as you say, "not existing". There's a poem by Philip Larkin on this, called Aubade. It's not an easy read but really sums up this obsession. I couldn't bear the thought of anyone, or any living thing, dying - it just seemed so very unfair that it had to one day happen. Everything seemed fragile, as if it could end at any time and, yes, I also felt that somehow I would just suddenly die. If I had children, I'm sure that fear would have been magnified.
It took some time for those thoughts to fade but they did. I didn't have any therapy or help, which may have been unwise of me.
I wish you well. I hope nothing I've said here will make you feel worse in any way.

@TreesAtSea I'm so sorry you went through this too, I think you have summed it up perfectly about things just having to end. It does seem so unfair!

I will definitely check out that poem, thank you. I am glad you are feeling better now 😊

I also get this. I used to wake up freaking out about it. Then it was refreshed when my dad died as although he had loads of health problems it was like he'd be around forever. If I think about it too much it panics me. It's more the not being around than the being dead. My 9 year old started talking to me about this the other day as well so it can happen at any age of course.

Do you have any animals? I envy their complete unawareness of death and wish we could be the same. They approach every day as something to be enjoyed to the full without any thought for the future. Maybe we could take some lessons from our dogs/cats/horses/hamsters/goldfish! 😀

It's very common and it even has a name; thanatophobia. (Possibly fun or interesting fact within an otherwise rather grim topic: this word is where the name for the villain Thanos in the Marvel comics/films came from.)

Also, if you've recently experienced a recent bereavement it'll be more upfront in your mind. This is called availability bias (or confirmation bias); because something happened to X, you're more likely to think it'll happen to you. But you're not, really; you're just thinking about it more because you know someone it happened to.

This stuff is hard and it takes time (and mental discipline) to tackle. But you can deal with it. You just have to find the right way for you. I find that redirecting my thoughts is the best way. I sort of interrupt myself, remind myself that my brain doesn't always necessarily tell me the truth, and try to stop the untrue, disproportionate thought before I disappear down the rabbit hole with it.

It's also important to be kind to yourself. It's very easy to start beating yourself up about these thoughts; actually, you can be kinder to your own brain. Just sort of thank it for presenting the thought, but remind yourself (as above) that you don't have to take it on.

@Eyesopenwideawake I have a dog and a cat. You're right, they are always full of beans 😊 I definitely need to take a leaf out of their book!

@FuckabethFuckor thank you, that makes a lot of sense. Love the fact about Thanos!

It is a good idea to remind myself my brain isn't always right.

I think I am also concerned that the years of anxiety I have suffered with have done some health damage and that I could worry myself to death, which then kicks it all off again. I need to have a word with myself 🤣

@teaandtoastwithmarmite I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad. And that your 9 year old is having these thoughts too, it's horrible isn't it. You want to protect your children from these thoughts but you can't control what they're thinking, which makes it so hard as there's no real answer to the fear.

@Fedupandanxious - have a look at this video on anxiety, it really helps in understanding why we need it (really!) and how to work with it rather than fighting it.