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Are intrusive thoughts OCD?

32 replies

GorgeousLadyofWrestling · 17/12/2022 08:02

I feel like I am missing the punch line to a horrible joke.

I’ve had intrusive thoughts my whole life. I’m 42 now but in my teens and 20’s, they were unbearable - they would make me physically recoil.

These days I know enough about myself to manage them and can see how they spike when I am stressed. Anxiety has always been an issue and I have been on and off fluoxetine for years, with beta blockers for the heart palpitations that come with anxiety.

Lately I just feel like a total wreck. I’m in a new senior role with a lot of pressure and a CEO that is very critical. I feel vulnerable and exposed - I keep crying and all the things I’m trying to hold down keep bubbling up. And so now I am sabotaging myself and reading things I know I shouldn’t because they will stick in my head.

I just feel like I am complete mess and trying to hold it all together and none of it makes sense.

OP posts:
Eyesopenwideawake · 20/12/2022 08:36

Please take 7.25 minutes to watch this - it addresses all your fears.

Ilovedogs1 · 20/12/2022 10:32

@GorgeousLadyofWrestling part of the problem is trying to control what you think.
It's that old pink elephant thing.
My psychologist told me to not think about a pink elephant under any circumstances. Think about anything else but not a pink elephant .
What are you thinking of?

Ilovedogs1 · 21/12/2022 10:27

@GorgeousLadyofWrestling @FlatWhite2 how did you both get on with your doctors appointments?

FlatWhite2 · 22/12/2022 20:59

That last bit is so reassuring as the thoughts can be so disturbing I sometimes wonder. Hope everything works out ok for you. I just got a prescription of a low dose of sertraline which I’m hoping will help. My GP was really good, definitely worth going.

CantFindTheBeat · 22/12/2022 21:37

GorgeousLadyofWrestling · 20/12/2022 07:24

Hi everyone - thanks so much for everyone on this thread. So much reassurance. I have an appointment with the GP this morning to talk through medication because I just can’t cope like this. Going to ask about counselling as well, though may be better to try through work’s healthcare options.

I feel like I have two types of intrusive thoughts:

Ones where I have read or heard something upsetting and I obsessively think about it. It is usually connected to child abuse. The energy I put into controlling those thoughts is exhausting. But sometimes I let them come in and it’s like a painful wound I’m picking at. I. Ant bear the thoughts and cry and get physically agitated by them and try so hard not to let them in…only to then almost force them in when the reaction to them has lessened. Because the reaction does lessen over time - it’s just that a new thing will become the obsession.

The second type are like flashes of thoughts. Harming my children or my pets. They just pop into my head and I am horrified by them and revolted with myself but the force of them is not like the others. The thought or image pops into my head and then goes away again. I’m just left reeling but they’re not exhausting in the way the first lot are.

I’ve had the first type for as long as I can remember. It was particularly bad in my early twenties but I learned to manage them a bit better in that I stopped watching the news and allowing awful news into my head. But it’s impossible to avoid everything and I am vulnerable to it in times of stress.

For example, I started my new role as a senior exec at a start up. Lots of pressure. I’d had a bad experience in my previous role and was taking beta blockers to manage the physical symptoms of anxiety. I was reading Buzzfeed on my lunchtime one day and stumbled across a story about a woman who killed her children. I stupidly decided to do more reading about it, read something very upsetting, and then spent about a month crying at my desk (I work from home) as I desperately tried to NOT think about what I’d read. I realised I was spiralling so I started working out every day and forcing myself to get outside and out of my head.

I don’t know if it’s just anxiety or if it’s OCD or both? Pure O very much resonates. I feel at war with myself. I don’t want to think about these things because they feel physically painful and I’m exhausted from trying to control them.

Ah, OP.

Your description of intrusive thoughts is certainly relatable to me.

Mine were all around 'what if'.

What if I harmed, killer or injured my children deliberately?
What if I shouldn't be left alone with them?
What if I was a child abuser?

Clearly intrusive thoughts play on our worst fears and are in relation to those things we hold most dear.

For example, I never had 'what if people thought I was a thief/drug addict/generic serial killer'.

And in business situations:

What if I smack them round the face/throw my coffee at them//stand up and scream in their faces?

Needless to say - I never did any of those things and never would.

Bloody draining to have those anxious, hideous, teeth grinding spirals going on in my mind though.

I hope it's somewhat comforting that these are decades ago for me now and I can look back and describe them objectively.

Ilovedogs1 · 18/02/2023 15:27

@GorgeousLadyofWrestling just wondering how things are now?.
I had a bad spell before Christmas, then had several good weeks now back in the anxiety hell pit.

Tonty · 18/02/2023 21:01

So so sorry you're having these thoughts @OP. Just try and remember, they are just thoughts and not you. You are none of the things the thoughts are telling you. You will not harm your own children. As you know the OCD thoughts usually play on the worst things you would never imagine doing.

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