I think I'm one of "those" women

[havalina]

Sorry inspired by another thread, people seem to say "oh I don't know anyone who has regretted having children, but I know lots who have regretted not having them".

I regret it every day, I think I'm a freak, It's really hard to say this but I don't want my children. If I could time travel and not meet dp and not get pregnant I would.

I try at this mothering lark, but I am failing dismally, I have no energy, no motivation, my house is a tip. I just want to go away, I am an utterly crap mother, every sentence I say to dd starts with no don't do that or can you please stop it. I can't entertain them, I stick them in front of the TV, or try to zone them out.

All I think about is how much my life sucks, what kind of childhood are they having? I hate dragging them down they deserve more than me. I'm fucking them up royally because I can't cope.

I fantasise about DH leaving or dying so I could give them up for adoption, they could be lovely kids in the right hands. In my hands my dd is uncontrollable and damn annoying.

Before anyone says I know I am depressed, and I have been on a few tablets but they never seem to work.

I don't know what to do, I would love to leave but have no realistic way of doing this.

A few tablets wont work, you need to take them for a Minimum of 6 weeks.
Now get back on them before you totally ruin this time in your life. I was also like this, it does end, but you need to make your life bearable NOW, so get back on the tablets. There are a lot of us who have been there, done that, got the t'shirt. But Please, please, keep on taking the tablets, they will help you until your natural self can take hold again.

i'm so sorry. you sound like you are really having a hard time with your emotions. i'm not the best to advise right now but i just wanted to say hang in there,

there are people who will help you here. keep in touch with mn and they will be there and advise you, keep strong

Havalina.

From personal experience, I love my dcs immensely. I am a shit mum, so much so that I sat here last year with 28 Citalopram in my hands and wanting to die. Threw tablets away and waited it out 'just until the next day'. My eldest dd found me in a cupboard when she was 6 years old and rang an ambulance....because I couldn't take anymore.
Rang Samaritans and slept a lot, but it does get better. Maybe not a lot but it is better. You just find better strategies?

Please go back and see your GP. Your mum? Any siblings that could rally round and help out, even for a couple of hours?

Sending you gentle blessings x x

Thanks for your replies everyone, know I need to back to the Dr's really, but have tried loads of AD's, nevermind.

Sorry to all that have been there it's hell, purpleone I have noone near, just dp. I so want
to get out of the house some times but have nowhere to go.

Sounds like you have been through a lot purpleone (hugs)

Get some sunshine or at least real daylight. Take a walk around the bloke with the kids, go to the park. You can still be miserable on a park bench but you know that you are doing something good for the kids.

I'm so sorry you feel like this, Havalina. I think it is very brave of you to say this because I felt like that two years ago (after xh left me with 6 kids). Not many people have the guts to say it out loud, because feeling like this makes you feel abnormal doesn't it? Motherhood is supposed to come naturally to us females. Your life sucks. What bit do you hate most about it? Having the kids? Being with dh? All the work? Not being able to do your own thing? Also, how old are you?

how are you getting on?

Thanks for asking how I am getting along, I am better in the sense that I don't feel I want to leave my children anymore. I really think that when I have those feelings they are a symptom of something else. Me and Dp are chugging along (he doesn't say much), and the children are fine, I still feel an immense amount of guilt for the childhood I am not giving them, but I am doing my best.

I really just need to find myself and be happy, it sounds so wanky though. I still feel like I am living my life through a thick glass window.
I am just survivng till the next up or down, I am determined to assert my choices and recognise that I am a worthy person with wants and needs, and I will do what the hell I want!!! [adopts that as her mantra]