I have felt this for a while on and off and friends text has made me feel it again, though it was brewing earlier in the week too.

[NAB3wishesfor2008]

I apologise for all my moaning posts btw.

I hate the fact that my mother didn't want me and abandoned me and ruined my life as I know what it is like and therefore can't say bye to this world as some days I really wish I could. I couldn't do it to my kids and resent the fact that I must be a very slightly better mother than mine was as I am trying to save my kids hurt.

I really want to be a grandma so don't want to die for real but I just wish it would all stop being so bloody hard all the time. I am fed up of having to live with the consequences of other peoples actions.

Next week I get the response from social services (think it is them) and will then have to instruct barristers to sue for negligence. I want it proved that they were negligent, not for damages.

Sorry again.

NAB, whats going on honey?

You sound like you are in turmoil. I think you need to go back to your doctors. You cannot expect yourself to cope with all of this.

Oh ignore me. Being silly. Text off friend has upset me and being me it escalates.

maybe you need to go badk to the doctors, your post was worryingly incoherant and i wonder if your meds need tweeking. I got like this just before i had my dosage of citalopram increased.

Sorry. I knew what I meant to say. Maybe didn't translate. Don't worry. i will be okay

I have suicidal thoughts but wouldn't kill myself. Terrified of dying but when I was driving the car yesterday I just thought how easy it would be to crash it and when I picked up scissors to cut up something I was thinking wrists. Okay to think these things I guess...

God, if anyone knew me..........

I do this alot. I don't think it is a suicidal thought. Which i have had lately and that is very different, for me at least. I just think its one of those weird quirks we have, its almost, what is the most dramatically out of order thing to do in this situation. I would have the most innapropriate thoughts about my supervisor when we were in meetings. I can often see myself punching people, even though they are really lovely. I would never do it, it is just something i have always had - i think lots of people feel that way. I mentioned it to a friend once, he said "blimey, i thought it was just me".

When I had PND after my first son eas born I thought about throwing him out of the window and then imagined what would happen if I did. I used to walk to the bridge to see the cars but was terrified in case we fell over and people would think I had thrown him over. I would imagine what would happen next and then move on.

I used to imagine being a widow if hubby was late home and I would think, right who shall I ring, what amd I going to do for the rest of my life? I am sure this is because I moved such a lot as a child and had no say. One afternoon I was taken out of school and never went back to the house I had lived in until that morning or to that school again. I never got chance to say bye to my friends.

Major things I can usually cope with, anything small and not really important and I fall about.

I know exactly what you mean NAB, i can have my DPs wake arranged in my head if he is five minutes late home. I've even arranged my own funeral too . I think these intrusive thoughts are a common part of depression. Your childhood clearly has a big influence on the way you are now. One thing for sure though, you are a great mum

I had a happyish, normal childhood, so god kows whats wrong with me

and the same with the major stuff too. If all hell breaks lose im the calm one. If it is petty or just under the surface, i lose the plot.

My mum's cat decided to die last night (WTF - it was just laying there like it was asleep - totally freaked my mum out as she was sitting with him for ages) There's me, calm as a cookie, weird.

Hello Nab and LEM
Nab I totally know what you mean too. If it helps my mums dr told her years ago that it is quite common to have these sorts of thoughts, and that it's only a very rare few who act on them. Doesn't mean though that you have to muddle along alone, if you are having them.

I get the feeling you trust yourself enough to know what and what not to do for the best and think you're brilliant to keep come on here when you recognise things are tough. And it sounds like things are tough. Therefore you are entitled to ask for help! And support is what you deserve.

LEM I too can have totally inappropriate thoughts during meetings - just like you say, it's suprising who doesn't have these thoughts. It's brave to own up! I never have before!

Look after yourself Nab, keep talking about it too x

I have these intrusive thoughts too, they were worse when I was really bad with PND (and always involved dc's). Really mad things like pushing the pram infront of a train whilst we were waiting on the platform, or smashing ds's head on the corner of the table.

They really scared me at the time as they were so vicious and brutal. But I have no idea what causes them, but I still have them now, they usually centre around me or dp now though, eg Dp was standing in the kitchen and there was a pair of scissors on the side, I could really see me picking the scisors up and stabbing him

I know what you mean about ok to think them, I think it's just a release valve in the brain, caused by stress and depression.

Hope you get through what you need to, with me I'ts hard to lose it over the big stuff so all of the emotion leaks out over the trivial minor stuff.

Sometimes i say to my DP, ooh, i could have stuck that knife right in your stomach just then - he just says yeah yeah. He knows i wouldnt as much as i do I reckon everyone does it tbh. Just different levels of intrusiveness.

I know this sounds silly, but if i am having unwanted thoughts, i lean on one side, and give my self a sharp tap up the side of the head and say "get out - don't come back" and hope they fall out of my ear - i think because it is so daft, it often works. I try and avoid doing this in meetings though

I can't believe other people have had these thoughts too. It really feels like the unsayable at times, doesn't it?

Not great today tbh.

NAB, sorry to hear that But you had such a good day yesterday Hang on to that, don't expect it every day, aint gonna happen. But now you know you can do it, try and think about what it was that made yesterday different. What YOU did differently? But don't be too hard on yourself, you are doing a great job. I prescribe a nice walk someone EVEN if it is raining

Nab, you & I have spoken before re: other matters.

If you still have my email I am quite happy to chat again.

Have to go out now, but will be back later xx

Thinking of you xo

Posted on my don't faint thread.