Does it sound like I have a problem?

[raspberryjuiceandpompoms]

hello you lovely lot. Please can you let me know if this sounds like I have a MH issue because I really don’t know and don’t want to talk to anyone about it.

i don’t want to talk to my husband for the fear of being judged. He has this tendency to speak to me like I’m a 5 year old and just either brush things off or pressure me to go to docs. I don’t want to go to docs because I don’t want medication. I can’t speak to my family because I’m fed up with people deciding for me what to do and then pressuring me into it.

basically, since having DC2 I think I have a lot of anxiety. I worry about my DC1 and weather on not he’s ok. I feel freaked out sometimes (mind you, it’s all in my head!) Because of the difference between him and my daughter I’m worried about him doing something inappropriate (he’s obsessed with skin sensation). I’m also resorted to being shouty which I hate and feel guilty about. I’m often either tearful or angry, not looking forward to waking up. No libido whatsoever which I feel guilty about. DH had melanoma surgery and works long hours. I feel resentful towards him because he gets to get out of the house and walk to the toilet whenever he wants to. I also feel so much hate towards myself for resenting having DC2. I love her more than life but having 2 is just so much harder and I’m not mum material.
I have these scenarios in my head that something might happen to my children and I can’t protect them. Like life is full of predators etc I feel like these could be something wrong with their health. When I think of dying peacefully in my sleep the thought is strangely comforting. I won’t harm myself though I could never do that to my children.

thanks for reading if you did! Sorry for the long post.

Can I ask if there is a specific reason you don't want medication.

Because it genuinely sounds to me like you would benefit from some medication even in the short term

It feels like there are multiple issues

Your loss of libido (totally understandable with 2 small kids but can also be a symptom in itself)
You sound like you have depression and anxiety from what you have posted (very much an armchair diagnosis with no weight of course)
You DH may be an arse (although trying to get you to go to the doctors is the correct thing to do)

You are in effect trying to walk on a broken leg and then struggling with the pain.

I know this probably isn't what you want to hear if you don't want meds but you sound like you really need medical advise

Thanks for your reply @Heavyraindropsarefallingonmyhead . I think the main reason is actually quite petty - I’m worried that people will think less of me. What have a got to complain about? I have no good reason … like nothing horrible happened for me to need medication. And I just know my BIL and his family will love this as a story. And I couldn’t stomach anyone feeling sorry for me - thats the most humiliating feeling. Rationally I understand, if the situation flipped around and it was someone else in my family, I wouldn’t think twice about it. Maybe will even praise them for getting help when needed but I just can’t do it to myself, I feel too much of a fraud.

I'm no expert but a lot of your feelings sound anxiety related. I wouldn't attempt to diagnose anything more, but a lot of what you say also sounds typical of an exhausted mum.

No one needs to know you're on medication btw if you choose to take it.

First things first, have a chat with your gp and see what they say. I think you'll feel a sense of relief just from that.

Why does anybody need to know? There's a lot more people on antidepressants than you'd imagine, it's really not uncommon so please don't feel bad.

I'm worried that people will think less of me. What have I got to complain about? I have no good reason...

What other people think is irrelevant and they don't need to know.

Seeing your GP because you are struggling to cope is not complaining, it is the best thing to do.

You do have good reason, more than one. You're not coping with the pressure. Your husband is a judgmental arse who won't support you. You could have PND, or just ordinary depression. Nobody needs a reason to be depressed, it just happens. You may be sleep-deprived or have a hormonal imbalance, or a vitamin deficiency. Any one of those is enough reason to seek support.