Unable to get out from under this

[TheRowenTree]

I’ve suffered with depression for a long time and Christmas has always been a pretty bad time for me. Since having kids I could put the face on and try my best.
this year I can’t move. I have chest pains (not serious, doctor came to visit). I feel like I’m trapped under this weight and it feels like a real weight. I feel unable to breathe, completely trapped under this invisible mountain of rocks.
GP gave me Valium but they make me sleep, once I’m awake the fear, feeling trapped and panic is there.
I haven’t left my room in over a week.
I don’t know what to do. I’ve reached out for supports but services are overwhelmed.
I desperately wish I could close my eyes and sleep for a couple of months and wake up free from this hellish feeling.

Have you got any idea why Christmas sets this off in you? When did it start? Do you have something you’re scared of or worrying about?

Christmas was always a horrible time in my childhood. I dreaded the break from school. Both parents being home. Walking on eggshells and having to put on the outside face of everything is wonderful and perfect and not horrific at home with one side of the extended family. And the other side would be my mum being disgustingly drunk, embarrassing me with personal stories, behaving like a guttersnipe and then viciously attacking me if I didn’t stand there smiling throughout the humiliation.
ive had therapy and no contact with my family. But it’s never been this bad with this tightness and fear in my chest.

That really is acute anxiety, I feel for you, RowanTree (been there).

I could come up with all sorts of suggestions which worked for me but they may not work for you and you probably know about, and have tried, most of them anyway.

All I can say is it will pass in time. Sleep is a great healer but going to sleep and knowing you will wake up the same is unbelievably depressing.

All I can say is you will get a handle on it and it will pass in time. If there is anyone neutral and professional to whom you can talk, online or in person, it will help.