Background: I am quite a bit older than my sister. When DSis was 3 our DM got cancer, our dad had an affair and our parents split.
Dm, Dsis and I moved out of family home. Dad was a good parent to my sister but me, being older, knew all about what was happening between my parents and had an extremely difficult relationship with dad.
When Dsis was 6 I moved out to go to Uni. However, it became clear that DM was struggling financially, and physically to look after Dsis. I changed courses and moved back home to help. I have absolutely no regrets about doing this. It was a better fit course wise for me and I wanted to help with DSis. Mum went into remission but I still helped. We were a very good wee team.
Dad still was on the scene but not consistent. He also had quite a lot of awful girlfriends and put them above DSis...their relationship started breaking down like mine had with dad. Then he got cancer. He got I'll very quickly and died after 20 months.
I still stayed with Dsis and Mum. I had been going out with my now DH for a number of years but I didn't move out until I was 26 and dsis was 15. She went off to Uni at 18 but we were all in the same city and did lots together.
I got married, had a few miscarriages then my little boy was stillborn. Not long after that mum's cancer returned. This time it was terminal and she died before my sister completed Uni.
Sister moved in with DH and I. I had then had a baby DD whom my sister dotes on.
Basically from age 3 to 20 my dsis had an awful lot of traumatic events happen. We have lurched from one thing to another. Things had seriously calmed down, thank god, in her 20s. Very little drama. We have both relished this. She is a fantastic aunt to my girls. Then this year I became seriously, critically ill. Dh told on three occasions that I might not make it through the night. It has been very tough but I am ok. Not 100% yet but I will make a full recovery hopefully.
Dsis became detached. She can't cope with anything else happening so instead has retreated into herself. She has basically ignored me being ill. Expected me to go on massive hikes with her 3 weeks after major surgery. Not really visiting or even acknowledging that I was really ill. She thought I would be ok to walk her dogs whilst she was on holiday. I could barely walk at that point and was attached to drips and drains.
It also transpires that she basically can't remember anything of her childhood. Just odd little snippets. She also was convinced I had permanently moved out at 18 when really I was away 1 year then back for another 7. She thought I just visited a lot.
I, on the other hand, can painfully remember my parents break up, mum getting ill, dad getting ill, mum getting I'll again.
She seems to feel this all just happened to her and that I am strong and older so I can cope. But really I'm struggling a bit too. This last year, being so ill has made me think about everything in the past. I'm exhausted from being the strong one, the reliable one. This year I could t fulfil the strong big sister role. I had to get better first.
I think we both need therapy. I almost feel like we need to see the same therapist etc because she has gaps.
I need her to realise I need support too. I can't alway be the strong trustworthy.