Spiralling

[Mummytothearkbuilder]

I'm spiralling big time and need some help out of it. It's the quicksand feeling of things getting worse quickly and no matter how hard I fight it pulls me in.

I've always been an anxious person - I've had CBT previously and that was really useful and I take Citalopram (20mg). I generally keep it at bay but I'm being pulled into a bad place. I've told my husband and children and they understand how I'm feeling although I feel guilty as I think my 13 year old is worrying.

We brought home a puppy on Monday and it feel like this has compounded things hugely. My husband and children love the puppy where as I just keep thinking about the mistake we have made in imploding our lives and how if I have to return the pup I'm breaking the hearts of them all. I know it sounds so trivial compared to what lots of people are going through and I am so so sorry for that.

I'm quite proactive and have booked an appt with the doctor for this afternoon - the receptionist told me he was "quite straight talking" so I hope I don't leave feeling worse. I'm off work this week but the thought of going back next week just makes me feel horrendous- I work in social care and I've never been so busy.

I'm at a loss as what else to do and hoped that perhaps others would have some help or advice. Thanks x

Hi I just wanted to offer you a handhold. It's so frightening to feel that spiralling and just wanted to let you know that each time we've had a new puppy (we've had three) I have experienced a massive anxiety reaction that felt similar to the postnatal depression I've had in the past. Each time, I thought `i'd have to break my family's heart and return the pup. And each time, the anxiety has eased after a few weeks and I gradually calmed down. I don't know if it's the extra responsibility that feels so scary and all the things that could go wrong. It doesn't sound trivial at all.

I hope your doctor is understanding - you sound as if you have a lot on your plate. Could you possibly have some more CBT to explore your anxiety?
Wishing you all the best.

Anxiety is an emotion so "fighting" it causes an internal rift between what it's trying to bring to your attention and what you are trying to ignore.

Think of another powerful emotion - anger, say. If you feel angry there's always a cause, a reason. You can chose to give free rein to that anger but you know - from experience and logic - that that's very rarely productive so you either ignore it (and leave it festering inside you to explode at another time) or you control it. Controlling it means looking at the bigger picture objectively, figuring out why you're angry and, if necessary, letting it out in an adult way that resolves the issue and allows the anger to dissipate.

You can do the same with anxiety. Try to pinpoint what triggered it. Is it reasonable and realistic? Are you projecting scenarios that have little basis in logic? What exactly is it about the puppy that's causing your mind to go to a bad place?

So good to be seeing a doctor, I'm sure it'll be fine
Jot down some bullet points of the main issues. My mind tends to go blank in that situation.

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I'm on my own at the moment and it's so nice to have people respond.

I don't know specifically what's making me so anxious about the pup - I think having our lives so set and in a good routine and now that's completely imploded - I'm finding that realisation really hard. I should have stuck to my guns (my DH and kids were the driving force) and dealt with the fall out of saying no but I just wanted them to be happy (I can hear how ridiculous that sounds).

Lots of people have said that it will get easier but I'm scared I don't have what it takes to be patience and wait. I'm struggling to function now as it is while I'm off work. The thought of work and my caseload on top of how I'm feeling scares me.

I know I can't but I want to snap my fingers and be back a week - I feel so so guilty x

I had postnatal depression 13 years ago after the birth of my son - my feelings now is as bad as I felt then x

Maybe getting the puppy has triggered all those feelings that arose after the birth of your son. I never really processed my post natal depression and so when we got the puppy all those panicky feelings came back.

It's very early days yet for your anxiety to settle - so be as kind to yourself as you can. I have found the stuff around self compassion really helpful as I tend to beat myself up for getting anxious and panicky. Maybe check out Kristin Neff's website - she has some really calming guided meditations etc.

Your puppy will grow up very quickly (much faster than a baby!) and within a few weeks, your feeling will settle down.

Thank you so much - yes the feelings that are similar to when I had my son is what is making feel so scared - it took months (perhaps years) to get over even with medication and a good support network.

My husband is fantastic, he puts mental health (mine, his and the children's) so high on his priority list and said last night we can return the pup if needed but they guilt I feel over that is enormous - what a terrible person that makes me and what an awful Mum.

Im just feel so lost and like I'm scrambling frantically x

It sounds like you believe that the majority of the puppy care will fall to you? If that's the case your husband, and children, depending on their ages, will need to make sure this doesn't happen. Puppies (I have a 4 month old snoring at my feet at the moment!) sleep a great deal with bouts of ferocious activity in between. Is there a plan in place for who's responsible for feeding, toilet training, etc?

It will be a shared responsibility, our children are 8 and 13 years and have been helping. My husband is good too - really understanding. I feel so stupid for thinking it was a good idea! He is a great pup and doing well - it's just me. I'm the problem and the issue - I can't seem to stop panicking about everything we have coming up and how we will fit the pup into that. It's exactly what I should have thought of before giving in and I know that and I'm so sorry for not being sensible like I always am.

You are all lovely on here x

Please don't give yourself an even harder time for panicking - I have a lovely supportive and children too but that doesn't ease my nervous system when it's freaking out. Try and be gentle with yourself and ease yourself into bonding with the puppy.

I went to the Dr - he was lovely and spoke to me for ages which I felt bad about as I'm only meant to have a 10 mins appointment. He has put me in Sertraline 50mg - I'm hoping it works and kicks in quickly.