So tired of life

[ItsMeHiImTheProblem]

Not sure why I'm posting here, but I'm so fed up of my life. I can't work because of long term health problems. I'm in pain all the time and the only solution seems to be strong painkillers. My children are all struggling mentally and I'm tired of seeing them so sad and not being able to do anything about it. I suffer with anxiety, so getting to visit them is difficult. All the relationships I've had have ended badly and I can't bear the thought of trying again only to be disappointed. I've no siblings, only my kids, who are all adults and my mum. I can't talk to any of them because they have enough problems of their own and no one can change anything anyway. I struggle financially and I'm tired of either being cold and having mould in the house or spending so much on heating that I can't afford. I look forward to sleeping so I don't have to think, but then can't get to sleep because of the pain and my over active brain.

I'm not suicidal, I'm too much of a coward. I don't need to speak to the Samaritans, they can't give me advice. I have support for my mental health and take medication, but it isn't making a difference. I'm just existing until I no longer exist.

I read your post and couldn’t not comment. I wanted to share that Ive seen what you wrote and sorry to read that you are in pain and that your family are suffering too.
sorry I don’t have any words of wisdom but know that I was thinking of you.

Thank you. It's just so tiring and I can't see the point.

Today has been awful, whereas usually I feel better during the day and worse at night, today I've been in tears. I've felt cold to the bone, couldn't get warm after being outside, and the pain was unbearable. I can't see the point in any of this and if it wasn't for my children I wouldn't be here. I don't think I'd kill myself, but would love to disappear to where no one knows me. I've no friends anyway, so no one for me to miss. Except my kids and my mum 😔

I would suggest getting back to your GP and telling them what you've said here, you don't feel your MH medication is working and you're in a lot of pain. What support are you getting for your MH?

Can you use the winter fuel payments to put the heating on more?

I see a MH worker every fortnight, I'm going to discuss increasing my meds with my gp next week.

I'm waiting for a referral for an xray of my knee to see what's causing the pain. The other pain is chronic and sometimes flares up like now, nothing much to be done.

Even with the winter fuel payments I'm still struggling with the payments and it scares me that they end in March but fuel costs aren't going to go down.

I've tried everything, I've fought to get the support that I have, but I can't see the point anymore.

I'm so sorry to read this, OP. I have no useful advice to offer, but could you perhaps see if there are any warm hubs in your area that you could visit, if you're mobile enough to get there? You might meet some new people too.

Gosh it's tough seeing your kids suffering mentally isn't it. Sorry you're having a rotten time,and sorry I don't really have any words that can help. A few weeks ago a lady posted on here who was feeling quite desperate and low and she genuinely appeared to (I hope) take a bit of strength and comfort from posters on here who were just offering some general emotional support and a 'sounding board' for her, as well as sharing their similar experiences and feelings. Hopefully this thread can help you too, however slight that may be x

OP I understand where you’re coming from. I’m struggling with chronic pain that limits how long I can stand or walk. Even sleeping is painful sometimes. I’m in and underpaid and boring job. I haven’t been in a happy relationship in I’ve 10 years and I’m lonely. I’m struggling financially but can’t seem to find a better job and if I do I always get let go from it (not my fault). It’s really depressing.

sorry I can’t provide any advice but just wanted to let you know you’re not alone.

I don't know if this helps at all but I think you should be given sufficient medication to effectively control your symptoms. Even if that means a higher dose of stronger stuff. I understand that doctors maybe don't want to do this and maybe with valid reasons such as dependency or side effects. But at the moment you're only existing and that's not good enough. Surely it's better that you get whatever medication you need now and if it shortens your life so be it. What's the point of a very long and miserable life? I don't know the nature of your conditions but I'm wondering if there's some or other cocktail of meds that would allow you to return to work, which would give you enough money for the heating, which would lower your pain, which would improve your mental health, which would maybe mean you can lower the dose of some of the medications. I'd ask for a referral to a pain clinic too.

I'm also wondering if there are any charity counselling services near you? We have several here in NI, you self refer and can access counselling for free/very cheap.

Do you mind sharing roughly what part of the country you're from?

Thank you. I've had counselling and it hasn't helped really long term.

I could have strong painkillers but they make me ill. I'm waiting for an xray but who knows how long it'll take and if Ito make any difference once they know what the problem is. I have fibromyalgia too and am on medication for that, but when it flares up nothing helps.

What type of counselling did you have? Usually under the NHS it's 6 sessions of CBT, which is both very, very short and only one modality. I would suggest trying again maybe trying for a different modality than last time. Some organisations also offer long running support groups, online or in person, which are more about informal. I've been to a few and the people there, both facilitators and attendees, have always been test lovely.

I've had CBT and also talking therapy, about four or five times. It doesn't help. Thank you for trying to help, but I've tried everything, nothing makes a difference and there's no point in trying anymore.

Today I'm in so much pain I can no longer walk. No idea what to do now. The cat will need feeding, I should probably contact my gp again, but can't get myself to the surgery.

Ring the GP first thing in the morning and tell them you can't move due to pain. If they aren't helpful try 111 for advice.

Could your mum or kids help you get to the GP? Does your local pharmacy do a delivery service? Maybe the GP could issue you something over the phone and have it delivered.

Thank you. No, no family nearby and none of them drive. My mum is 84, can't ask her to get a bus and my kids are all adults, but working full time and not nearby.
I'll try 111 but think they'll send me to out of hours, which I can't manage alone. Even if I order a crutch online I'd have to get to the door to receive it. No one else has s key. I can't even crawl on the floor because it's my knee that is so painful.