Coping with abuse when you don't remember it properly

[butitsonlyaninkling]

I know I was sort of abused in childhood/parentified and emotionally neglected, but have been told by HCPs there's a strong suspicion I was sexually abused .

I'm only remember things in 'flashes', very sketchy memories and I'm not sure if what I am remembering is real or imagined .

Last couple of weeks things keep coming back (there is a reason). I remember being taken to my childminder's house, and seeing her husband naked . I don't know why or what happened . My brain keeps saying, 'he was getting out of the shower' but I'm not very sure . Something else came back yesterday about visiting my dad's ex partner, and her sons did something to me, but I can't remember what they did.

There is something from that era (a song) that has always scared me witless, the point of palpitations and tears, from about age 6 onwards.

My grandmother told me two years ago my dad was suspected of doing something to me as well. Again, yes I know something happened, but I don't know what.

I remember having constant infections, all the time, and my sister being the same. I was always back and forth to the doctor. Remember them saying something about sexual abuse. I think I vaguely remember social work telling me about appropriate/inapprorptiate touching but I can't remember properly. Remember scrubbing myself raw with soap and being very sore.

In my teens, twenties I had a lot of issues - hypersexualised - and constant pain down below, and asked multiple times if I'd been sexually abused. I'm now under a MH team and keep getting vague 'flashes' of stuff but I dont know what I'm remembering. I don't know if I'm making pictures up in my head, and getting myself distressed over nothing.

I'm no longer in contact with the childminder, I only remember her first name. No contact with the ex partner. I am in contact with my dad.

I don't know what to do about it all.

So sorry that you're going through this it sounds awful. have you got anyone to support you? If you can stick with the MH team it will help in the long run, but i may be quite rocky for a while. I was emotionally abused and neglected also physical abused by my mum, and she and my dad had terrible arguments which went on for hours for all of my childhood. I have MH issues where I get very anxious. I had a breakdown when i was in my twenties and was off work for 6 months and could not sleep for weeks. I also have flash backs of things that happened during my childhood. I did have support from a psychiatrist which helped a lot. I have a lovely husband and 3 great children which is a great comfort i still suffer with anxiety and am currently on medication to help with this. There is a condition called complex PTSD which you may be suffering from. I hope that you continue to get support sending you best wishes

I remember being taken to my childminder's house, and seeing her husband naked . I don't know why or what happened . My brain keeps saying, 'he was getting out of the shower' but I'm not very sure

If this was done with intention, then that is sexual abuse. It's a well known grooming tactic.

Of course it could equally have been an accident - I remember walking in on my dad in the bathroom once - but things like this done deliberately so as to soften a child up to nudity is an actual thing.

You need to be careful, however. Our memories are extremely unreliable. You could torment yourself trying to make sense of random images and memories to try and place them in context.

Your doctors records might provide clues.

That said. I was abused and I remember it. And in my case it went on all through my entire teens. There were many incidences.

How many do I remember strongly?

5 or 6. Seven at a push.

Our brains are amazing at protecting us from trauma. There is a danger sometimes in trying to force open what it has sealed off.

I say this as someone who went to therapy because I was feeling depressed about it and during the sessions I was encouraged to explore some of the 'broken' (aside from these well-remembered ones) memories

Within a few weeks of starting the therapy I started to feel physical pain. It didn't stop after the therapy and eventually I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia.

The Rheumatologist said: Have you been through anything traumatic recently? Lol had I? And a private doctor asked me the same thing (for a different illness)

Opening it up actually did nothing for me in practice, and life is still tough. It is not a necessary part of therapy actually.

What you do know is: You were failed. You were neglected and not adequately protected. Not looked after properly in a nurturing family environment. That there is even a question mark means someone somewhere probably did contravene your boundaries, and that is enough. The contravention could have been in subtle ways or larger ways. Neither is right. The damage is an un-connected self. But connecting it won't necessarily help you go forward either, unfortunately it's not that easy.

I have found over time, that it's not just the abuse so much as the atmosphere in the family that permitted it and made me vulnerable.

That's the bit that has done the long lasting damage and never gets addressed.

If you choose to explore therapy proceed cautiously and have clear goals on what you want to get out of it. I also agree regarding PTSD.

I am really sorry you're going through this, Apologies if anything I've posted is off or upsetting.

When I was first diagnosed with CPTSD and the plan going forward was EMDR and meds, I told my consultant I KNEW I was suppressing memories and I was scared of unleashing them. I did remember in therapy, it was traumatic but I was also able to then process it. It's not uncommon for the brain to try and delete horrible memories especially when a child, sadly it can't erase all of it hence why you react to a song or just have a feeling about someone. You know but you don't so then you convince yourself otherwise.

I'm on the other side, listen to your body. So many of my symptoms now make sense because I've remembered.