I have experienced periods of depression since my teens. I was prescribed Prozac in my early 20s and didn't find it made a difference so came off after a couple of months. I was prescribed sertraline for anxiety a couple of years ago but the side effects said it would increase the anxiety for a couple of weeks and I was too scared to take them. I started therapy instead which helped me through that period.
The thing is that I feel now I have run out of strategies. I have previously made big life changes to counteract the obvious causes of my unhappiness eg changing career and now I have my life in a really good place and there is nothing I can see that will be a 'fix'.
I'm not as bad as I have been. I don't have any suicidal thoughts. But when I have in the past, there has been a reason. I don't even feel especially sad just now but I have a terrible apathy that I just can't conquer. All the things I've put into place to help me - strategies like walking, yoga, swimming for example - feel impossible. Like how would I get in the car and drive to a beautiful place nearby I could walk and what would I do when I got there, what would be the point. All my energy for the day feels utterly consumed by the school runs. The prospect of cooking dinner feels exhausting. I can't imagine being able to decide what to cook.
I'm not working properly - self employed so no immediate pressure. But responding to one email feels like my limit. I can't decide anything.
I don't feel sad or tearful or worthless. It isn't a black hole opened up inside. I just feel paralysed, like I can't confront every step required for one simple task. Being around other people feels like an immense effort. I (ridiculously) can't seem to summon the will to even do something as basic as taking vitamins or supplements
I think, writing it down, that this is depression. It's impossible to see a GP sooner than 3-4 weeks and I know if I book an appointment that gives me too much time to cancel and I will definitely cancel. I'm considering booking a private GP consultantation over the phone as I'd find that much easier and asking for antidepressants. I just don't know what else would help as I'm struggling so much to implement any of my usual tools as I'm so weighed down by this lethargy.
The appointment will cost £89, I can afford it but feel extremely guilty spending it especially so close to Christmas. It's worth it if it works but I'm afraid it won't. I just keep thinking I'm lazy and need to shake myself into functioning again. I don't know why I'm like this.