Don’t know what to do

[chinateapot]

I’ve been struggling for nearly a year. Not
able to work, being a shit parent. I have a diagnosis of depression but I’m not convinced - I’ve had so much help and support from the nhs including an admission, therapy and antidepressants.
But I’m still being utterly crap. I can’t carry on like this. Saw CPN yesterday who offered support from home treatment team which I have declined - resources are scarce enough as they are. I genuinely feel everyone would be better off if I wasn’t here but I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know why I’m posting this, just venting I guess and can’t say it to any of the professionals because I really really don’t want another admission.

No one wants you to have an admission lovely. Honestly if you feel like you can manage at home, engage with home treatment now. It really doesn’t have to be like this
youre important
you matter
you can get better

lots of love ❤️‍🩹

thats the problem. I don’t know if I can get better because I don’t even know if I’m not well or if this is just me. But I do know I’m being a truly awful parent and I feel like I’m harming my kids and my DH and that’s the last thing I want

No-one would be better off if you weren't here, OP. I'm not sure why anyone would have that belief. Your children need you. You - ordinary, not perfect, good enough, normal parent you.

Hi @chinateapot sorry you are sad. Do you want to say how this started? Did anyone explore other diagnosis other than depression with you?

@Onceuponawhileago it started kind of gradually, to start with I just couldn’t sleep properly and then my work friends noticed I wasn’t right at work and everything has just got harder and worse since then. Depression is the only diagnosis that’s been mentioned but I don’t know… it’s not as though I spend hours crying or sad, just being useless

@chinateapot so it was insomnia first? Did you get any help for that? Was it insomnia first then depression or were they seperate? Im worried that you dont have a diagnosis and curious how it has continued without?

Started off with waking up at 4am every morning just feeling awful… tried some sleeping tablets which did absolutely nothing so stopped those as the last thing I wanted was to become addicted to something that wasn’t even helping! About the same time I lost my appetite and started losing weight but thought I was more or less still managing at work until my friend told me she thought I needed to take some time off. Psychiatrist seems convinced this is depression but I don’t know… surely it should have got better by now if it was that and I just feel useless.

@chinateapot no words of wisdom I'm afraid but just to let you know I'm also having a crap time atm, although more anxiety than depression.
However I did have a spell of depression few years ago that lasted about a year.
I try to keep a journal of how i am feeling and find that helps.
For example atm I'm stuck in a anxiety/OCD cycle. It helps to look back at the journal to see I have been like this before and came through.
Sending hugs. Xx

You don’t mention your age - could it be menopause ? This can have a profound effect on mental health and sleep. My problems resolved fairly soon after I started HRT. Prior to this I felt utterly joyless, flat, no energy and exhausted with a long list of other symptoms. Should have started treatment five years earlier. It took me ages to work out what the problem was.