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How do you improve self esteem and learn to create and enforce firm boundaries?

4 replies

Bananano · 23/11/2022 01:14

Background - I’d say I’ve had a fairly rough life so far. I grew up with no Dad and a Mum who really resented having children and made no effort to hide it, so my sense of self worth has always been almost non-existent. Once my Mum got too abusive to stay with, I moved in with an abusive boyfriend from the age of 14 who slowly dehumanised me. I got away when I was 18 and tried several times to go to college or get a job, but I was so ashamed of showing my face around other people that I always dropped out pretty quickly. Then my shame got worse and worse because I was unemployed and just getting older, then when lockdown hit I managed to take a step back and really work on my mental health. I’m loads better now and I understand that the things that happened to me weren’t my fault and don’t make me worthless, but I’m still really struggling with my self esteem and with setting boundaries.

I’ve been to therapy a bunch of times but it didn’t help at all, I think I need to see someone who’s more specialised than the nhs CBT counsellors, but that costs a lot of money. I’ll go eventually, but in the meantime could I get some tips on how to help myself? I’m so sick of being a pushover and going out of my way to help people who don’t respect or appreciate me, but I just can’t figure out how to put me and my needs first. Solidarity is also appreciated, anything is really!

Just to add, I’m really happy with my life now. I only mentioned the bad bits for context, I don’t feel sad about it anymore and don’t want anyone feeling sad for me upon reading this😅

OP posts:
CoalTit · 23/11/2022 01:26

Something I've noticed and admired in other people sometimes is an ability to say no to my requests without appearing in the slightest bit annoyed at being asked. Is that the sort of thing you mean?

Bananano · 23/11/2022 01:54

@CoalTit I suppose that’s where I’d like to get to eventually, but I currently don’t say no to anything at all if I think that the person asking is a good person. Like I’d give someone the shirt off my back just because they fancied having an extra shirt, even if it left me cold and in trouble, simply because it doesn’t matter if I go without, I’m not important.

I desperately want to sort this out as I know how bad it is!

OP posts:
NeAskw12 · 23/11/2022 03:24

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Eyesopenwideawake · 23/11/2022 08:36

Have a read of Responsibility Rebellion by Kain Ramsay - he also presents some excellent mental health courses on Udemy; especially on CBT and Mindfulness.

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