Brother is drug addict, family torn apart

[objectivebread]

My brother is 23 and addicted to various drugs, he has been sent to rehab but left after 2 weeks and went on a bender. In the past 3 years he crashed 4 cars and 1 van. My grandparents forked out thousands to help him, but in the end he squandered everything. He stole my grandad's stuff and sold it for drugs as well.

So now, my brother is homeless, sofa surfing at my mum's shared house, she has 1 room. It's not an ideal situation. But the most frustrating part is my mother doesn't ever seem to see him doing wrong. She forgives everything and sees him like an infant. She accuses my father of not wanting to house him as my dad's current wife's 'control' or something.. It's not, its the fact my brother has stolen from people, is violent and has had strangers in their house when he was a young teen. This behaviour frightened my step mum, understandably so, so both my dad and her would NEVER house him again.

What can I do to make my mum see my brother is an adult man and he isn't a child anymore? No one is responsible for this behaviour other than himself. Btw there wasn't any childhood abuse towards him, he had a lovely childhood.

On top of all of this I'm 16 weeks pregnant and luckily I have my own place and am away from all of this, but my mum will still be in my life when baby is here, and I'm now leaning towards going no contact with her, she is infuriating

Don’t go NC with your mum, unless she has mistreated you. You need to detach yourself from this situation and focus on your baby. I know it’s hard, I’ve done it myself - my dad is an alcoholic and I spent years trying to help/change him, but it’s a path to madness. In these situations change only happens when people want it for themselves - your brother will have to want to come off drugs, your mum will have to want ti put her foot down. Until then, focus on your own family, stay in touch with your mum but detach yourself emotionally from the brother. Can you invite your mum for visits at yours and trips out so you don’t have to see him?

Your mum loves your brother and in her mind she is trying to help him and keep him alive. Sadly, the chances are high that he will die if she cannot persuade him to get help. She will be grief stricken but, in her mind, she will at least feel that she did her best. It is a horrific situation to be in, for you as well as her.

@endofthelinefinally

@Cuppasoupmonster

I will give a little bit more info and background, my mother won the majority in the divorce, and gambled the equity.. all of it. Even though she committed adultery multiple times. She didn't think of me and my brother and I had to live with my dad's parents, she housed my brother in her flat but not me. She has never supported me through my mental health crisis in my early adult life, I feel like I may have a lot of bitterness that she is helping my brother and never cared so much as to visit me when I lived with my gparents for several years. I won't go into depth but she did abuse me as a very small child physically and emotionally until I was old enough to fight back.

It is very difficult for me to feel sympathy for her.

Unfortunately you can't trust your mum. She is blinded by love and you can't trust she will protect you or your baby from your brother.
Also she may well enable him into a grave.

You need to do what she won't and prioritise you and your baby.

23 is an adult but its still very young. You just cannot expect her to stop wanting to believe this is temporary. The way she feels about him as her child, is massively different to how you feel about him as a brother. Sadly for her, this will probably get worse before it gets better, if it does, but i really feel for you too.
I have a friend who supports her drug addict daughter far more than I think I would, but really I cant imagine ever not loving my children, even if they were terrible people, and love makes you put up with all sorts of shit.
I think its understandable that you have had enough of the situation and cant listen to her making excuses for him though.

That is a huge drip feed that puts a completely different slant on your situation.

@endofthelinefinally Apologies, my life has been quite turbulent and I don't always remember things all at once.

Yes but I think it may give some insight as to why your brother spiralled and possibly why your mother feels guilty. He couldn’t have had an easy childhood when yours seemingly wasnt

He’s really poorly. I’m in awe of your mum actually for sticking by him and trying again and again and again.if anything get a sufferer through it is this. He’s her son.he is her child,adult or not.I’m teally sorry for you all.how poorly he’s gotten,what he’s done,been through.it sounds horrid for everyone.
I don’t no what makes or helps or clicks to make a change m.I do no support is key.feeling worthy of it.
but it must be so so hard for you.whole families go through illnesses.no one avoids the pain and hurt.
did you say you have no contact with him,or relationship?
if you need to go non contact you have to.but as a mother it’s always going to be harder.sorry.

There is a hereditary connection with addictive personality and your brother's problems make a lot of sense to me.
I imagine his child hood wasn't great either.
Very sad all round.

Your further post really contradicts your first, your brother didn't have a lovely life, you assume/ think he did because in your mind your mum favoured him over you but that doesn't mean his life was lovely. I'm not saying you are wrong but you need to be realistic about what has happened.

I know how it is. We are now completely NC (ie don't know where he is or if he is alive) with my brother after he developed a significant drug problem. There was talk of rehab but his behaviour while on the drugs was so awful that unfortunately we had to go non contact. It was very hard for my mum who was in denial for a long time. Unfortunately it took his behaviour escalating to a completely unacceptable point that she finally realised.

Leave the whole family.

Given Your massive drip feed I find your wary post stating that your brother had a normal upbringing and wasn’t abused highly unlikely - even being witness to abuse is incredibly damaging.

of course your mum is going to try and save your brother, I’m surprised you don’t seem too fussed as by the sounds of it he’s in a bad way.

yes it’s shit your mum didn’t come and visit you - but that would of been at her exh parents so I can see why she wouldn’t want to, and if she’d lost all the money I expect too embarrassed - however I wouldn’t want to see my brother homeless because of that reason!

Once you have given birth to your baby and you hold it in your arms you will feel a huge surge of love and protection for your child. Your Mum has not given up on her son. It would be very hard to give up on your own child, no matter what they do. You may decide to avoid your Mum and brother. Do what is best for you and your baby. Try to focus on the future and let go of the past. Hanging on to past will only make you miserable. See baby's birth as a positive time to look forward.

Try, if you can, to put aside your feelings towards your mother for the unequal treatment you received when you were young. It will be hard because you will be bringing up your own child and you will be re-evaluating your treatment as a child through your experience as a mother and you will probably feel additional resentment.

Your mother and brother sound as if they have a toxic relationship and you are best not being involved at all as much as you can be. You want your mother to be involved in your relationship with your child and I am slightly confused by this because by all accounts she has not been a mother to you. Is she going to be a good role model to your child, do you think? Do you want your mother to be a loving grandmother because somehow that erases the hurt you feel at being abandoned by her?

I would be thinking about this very much in terms of safety for your child and I wonder whether your resentment at your brother living with your mother is about not being able to take your child to your mothers house because of his previous violence. Will your mother come to visit you and your child instead? If not how will you feel? I think that the key is to not expect too much because your previous experience is that she has not been able to give that much to you. Your father and his partner sound like more sensible family members and role models for your child.

This is the time you need to be reading as much as you can about addictive personality and inherited trauma. I would recommend getting some counselling for yourself before your baby is born. Are you in a stable, supportive relationship yourself?
It sounds as if you will have to distance yourself from both your mother and your brother and it is likely that that will mean physical distance.
Your midwife may be able to suggest sources of support.

How come your brother had a lovely childhood and you had such an awful one? (Genuine question)

@greaterscott My mother had very bad mental health, she didn't cope with me, my brother was born later and just wasn't treated the same. I was physically hit and he wasn't. She never screamed at him the way she screamed at me. Idk why.

@endofthelinefinally Yes I am married, I am in a stable loving home. I've been in therapy for PTSD for years, all my bases are covered.

@sweetgingercat I can't answer this really, because it is such a complex thing in my mind. I don't even know how to begin answering. My mother lives in a bedsit, she doesn't have her own home, so the child won't be going round hers at all. If I ever let her be with my child it will be in the supervised care of me or my husband. My brother can't live with her because it is 1 room in a shared house. My brother is not going to have a relationship at all with my kid.

Your mothers is also an addict - a gambling addict and she has passed this horrific legacy of addiction and dependancy and demanding to be looked after and rescued to your brother. Your brother may also find some poor unsuspecting person, like your dad, to prey on. I would go very very low contact and ignore all dramas. And be very glad you were not in that flat after the divorce, what a dreadful neglectful parents she is. I would focus on your positive relationships with your DGP and DF and DSM. Try not to feel angry and bitter, concentrate on the fact you had a lucky escape and she has NOTHING you want.

All things considered, you have come out of this far better off than your brother. Maybe you could try and look at it from that viewpoint. He really doesn't have a chance. You have a future. I doubt that he does.

I think you just have to step away from the situation and let her get on with it. If you convinced her to stop trying to help him, she would only blame you when things get worse.

Just focus on your little nuclear family. You can still have a relationship with her on your terms, just tell her you don't want to discuss your brother.

OP, you need to start thinking about how you protect yourself and your new baby when it arrives, your upbringing sounds highly dysfunctional, how awful for you. As the black sheep (who knows why?) your child may not be treated that nicely, or rather- if your mum was emotionally and physically abusive to you, she may be to your child as well. I would go low contact or no contact whichever you prefer and take it very slowly. your brother does not have any great advantage in this situation, but I can see how you would feel it's unfair she gives him chance after chance whereas you were shipped off to your grandparents- on the other hand, this may have been beneficial for you as it doesn't sound like your mum was able to parent in a mature way and being around her addiction has probably contributed in many ways to your brother's predicament.

I don't know if you could afford therapy to unpack some of this? Or talk with your partner for starters?

I am not on the Stately Homes thread, but I understand it covers a lot of this type of issue including the golden child/black sheep dynamic which is really unhealthy.

maybe time to flip it.by getting you out of that home and away from her she actually saved you. Your brother on the other hand had to stay and the result of that is now he is very very poorly indeed. And his future sounds really bleak.whereas yours…
in betting her probably is bitter towards you too.wondering why you were saved and he stayed in an unsafe environment which gave him a lifetime of illness and a fucked up head.and the way he has coped is via addiction. And I’m thinking his mum is possibly all he has now. Which can’t feel great if it’s toxic.