I’m not depressed but I want to die

[DeliaTookATumble]

Anyone else feel like this? I’m not depressed but life has got financially much harder and I’m now living to work. And barely covering my outgoings. If I didn’t have children I would take pills right now. I just don’t see things getting better. And I’ve brought kids into this world!

Has it passed today? Do you think it's an impulse/hyperfixation or do you think something deeper is going on? I get suicidal and hyperfocus on it, I just can't get my brain to stop reverting to it sometimes, even when I don't meet the clinical guidelines for depression, most of the time it's because I'm bipolar and have mixed episodes so the hypomania masks the depression.

Nothing helpful I’m afraid op, just a handhold. Life is really bloody tough.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website
or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek real-life help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Some further support links:

NHS: Where to get urgent help for mental health
NHS: Looking after your mental health
MIND: Coping with mental health problems during coronavirus

CALM: The Campaign Against Living Miserably
NHS: Help for suicidal thoughts

Very best wishes from MNHQ.

@DeliaTookATumble it's difficult isn't it, when reality makes life hardly worth living?
For me, it's my health that makes me question why on earth I keep drawing breath, but like you, I do because of my (adult) child.

how can you ask a doctor to give you a pill that makes you not care so very much about your reality? If I had bad mental health, I'd be taking those pills like a shot, in the hope they could help. However, when it's your circumstances (financial in your case, old age in mine) what's to be done?

I have no answers, but I do have a lot of sympathy.