Don't think I can do this anymore

[Muuuuuuuum]

For the last 3 years life has just been one fight after another.

DC2 severe anxiety and school refusal (ongoing).

DC1 struggling with perfectionism and friendship issues - always stressed and tearful, socially and at school. Right now she is watching her "friends" posting stuff together on social media while she is alone at home.

DH made redundant a year or so back, now looking likely to lose new job too, but we have spent all savings on repairs to house so have no financial cushion.

Now dc3 struggling with transition to secondary and having friendship strife. Also can't deal with people in classroom chewing pens, sniffing etc and wears headphones to eat with others, to block out sound.

I just can't hold any one else up or together anymore. I would like one person in my family to be happy, one element of my life not to be filled with stress, to wake up in the morning, not at 4am drenched in sweat and feeling sick at the day ahead....

GP referred me for counseling and I got given an app to practice CBT. But it didn't really help...

Just need it to stop

It all sounds relentless and exhausting. I'm not going to give you good advice you've presumably already thought of about getting support for your children in place (at school and beyond - it sounds as if there is some neurodiversity going on there). Just to acknowledge that that is one very, very full plate you have there.

Sending a big hug. That does sound relentless and draining. I get the early morning dread about the day ahead. It won't always be this way, but it does sound as though you need a break. Can you get away anywhere for a day, or ideally a day and a night? Just for some respite?

Agree re: ND - are you happy with the support that DC are getting from school? What helps me a little is knowing that I don't necessarily have to solve all the problems all of the time. Sometimes just providing a safe base is enough. I know the problem is though that you feel DC's pain, and there are practical considerations too, but you can't solve everything for everyone.

Thanks for the replies.

DC2 is under CAMHS and on medication for anxiety. After initial improvement we are now back close.to square one. Since spring term of Y7 I would estimate they have attended total of 10 weeks education max (they are now in Y10) so it's not like the improvement was ever massive anyway.

After 18 months of asking, CAMHS finally referred for autism assessment this summer but is 2 year wait. We were looking into paying but DH job situation means that's off the table, for now at least.

School don't really see issue with oldest and youngest at all, just think they are a bit oversensitive or dramatic.

@NinjaSnail I know you say it won't always be like this, but right now that is pretty hard to believe. I think that's what I find hardest to cope with. It is just relentless and there is no end in sight. And it just seems to keep getting worse.

Sorry I meant to reply yesterday. I get it, I really do. The constant problems, the constant pressure to solve the problems, the dread, the constant low level anxiety, being pulled in so many different directions and you just want to run away but somehow you've got to hold it all together and live your own life too. You're constantly battling empathy fatigue. Can you get a break? Can you get away at all?

It isn't forever. Your DC will change all the time and the problems will change. But for now you have to try to find a way to protect yourself.

Also, have a look at options for online schooling. You may decide it's not for you and that's fine, but I think that knowing that you have options for DC - and knowing what those options are - will help you feel less trapped with having to make the only option you have work.

I'm sorry it's tough - I want you to know that there will be many people reading your OP who will completely get it, myself included. It's one of the (many) things about being a parent that you just can't imagine until you're in it.

Thank you. Just venting here and hearing someone else say they understand has helped tbh.

I say I can't do it anymore but I have to, so on we go...

I was there two years ago.

Im not saying these will help you but for me:

sen is a constant battle - daily to bat for them but it does have an impact
private diagnosis for youngest
both youngest and eldest are high functioning autistic both struggle in different ways

If school don’t support diagnosis go yourself through EHCP referral and then gp

if school isn’t an option what’s the alternative

Forgot to say the most important thing was counselling for me

Does DC2 have an EHCP? If they can’t attend school are the LA providing alternative provision?

If you aren’t already claiming DLA for DC2 you should apply. Similarly, if you haven’t already had social care assessments you should request them. A carer’s assessment for you and an assessment by the disabled children’s team for DC2. Scope offer mentoring for parents of DC on the ASD assessment pathway, too.

In some areas you can self refer for autism assessments, if you can’t you can ask the GP to refer DC1&3. For DC3, some areas commission sensory OT on the NHS, if yours do you may be able to self refer, if not the GP can.

Can you speak to the school about allowing DC3 to wear noise cancelling headphones or ear defenders in class.

We have no ehcp. School said no point as wouldn't get one without diagnosis when 8 asked them for info/input to support.

DC2 was on roll at an alternative setting (Hospital Education) from April 2021 until Summer 2022. Initially was on line tutoring - would never log on or engage - then in-person. Overall managed about 20% attendance which, given day was 9.30-1 wasn't a lot of education. Main issue was size and lack of social opportunity. With only 5-10 in a class who often didn't turn up they felt isolated and often quite exposed in class. It was their request to return to mainstream this September but after ok start it has fallen off a cliff.

Will look into referrals for others and help from other agencies. I can't imagine we will qualify for DLA but will investigate that too. Thank you for the advice - the to do list and the lack of clear pathway or support feels so overwhelming dealing with this stuff

School advised you incorrectly, you don’t need a diagnosis for an EHCP, they are based on needs. You can apply for one yourself. IPSEA have a model letter you can use on their website.

It sounds like the LA’s alternative provision wasn’t meeting DS’s needs. You should request alternative provision again, but something more suitable.

You should be eligible for DLA for DC2. Use the Cerebra guide when completing the form.

My sons old school laughed in my face when I requested an EHCP at the end of year 1. They laughed and told me it was gold dust snd he would never get it. I self referred with the gp in July 2020 he got a full EHCP in November 2020 (I moved him
schools in the September as I was so furious about the school not meeting his needs) - very rarely the EP has put that the EHCP outlined is so detailed that it is a 4 year planned EHCP minimum and it even says it must stay in place until the minimum of year 6 but be reviewed annually.

Nope. Can't do it.

Nothing helps. Nothing works. She can't get out of bed. She rejects all offered support. I have no headspace for my other DC, my job, my DH, my elderly mother.... Everything is consumed by DC2 and it doesn't change anything. So what's the point.

I love her desperately but I cannot live like this anymore.

The correct support via an EHCP can improve things.

She rejects all offered support.

This is likely can’t engage rather than won’t and the support needs altering so she can engage. This is where an EHCNA and subsequently an EHCP will help.

But she won't / can't engage with anything. I cannot envisage anything that would help.

What's the point of an EHCNA when she can't get the autism assessment she actually needs and has been referred for because there's a 30 month wait?

I need to give up work to have time to help her but need to work more to fund the help she needs as waits are so long. And with DH about to lose job, even less able to afford for me not to work.

Nothing I do is right or helps or fixes anything so I might as well just not.

I am letting her down and my other children down. And I hate myself for wanting to give up but I just can't do this anymore.

An EHCNA would provide access to assessments such as from a psychiatrist, clinical psychologist, SALT, OT… to determine her needs and the provision she requires to meet those needs. These assessments happen within the short statutory timescales. DD would not need to sit on the normal waiting lists.

Then an EHCP can provide the provision she requires including SALT, OT, MH therapies, again without the need to sit on normal waiting lists. The provision that can be included in EHCPs is wide ranging. There will be something that can help DD and the assessments will help identity what.

Your finances are why you should apply for DLA.

Have you had social care assessments? A carer’s assessment for you and an assessment by the disabled children’s team for DS.