I don't know which way to turn now to be honest. long rant ahead

[AnAngelWithin]

I don't expect anyone to be able to help, or even reply. Just hoping I suppose that writing all this down will somehow ease it all.

A while ago I started having severe migraines. Cue lots of blood tests, brain scans, nerve tests. Not heard anything since then, so I am guessing it was nothing serious. I still get a lot of headaches (probably 5 days out of 7) but I am on beta blockers which have helped a lot, but I am still pretty much in constant pain.

my nanna has been really poorly with a chest infection and it really scared me cos I am so close to her and love her so much. I can't bear to think of her not being here. She had a blood test then they came and gave her another one a week later and yesterday the surgery rang her ans said that she need to go back ASAP for another one, so I don't know what that is all about and of course, she won't ask! It sounds urgent so I am really worried.

my dd2 has hit the terrible 2s I think and is being a snotty grotty wailing banshee, yet somehow I cannot control the urge for having another baby.

DH is miserable in his job, they are treating him like sh*t. Belittling him and trying to tie him to a contract that involves him working a lot more hours than was originally agreed when he started working there just under a year ago.

ds1 is 8 going on 18. He is a nasty little boy at the minute and to be honest, (and i am ashamed to day it) i really don't like him at the moment. He is so nasty to everyone, and everything you ask him to do is too much like hard work, he huffs and puffs at everything. I have tried removing privileges, threatening that he won't go to judo etc but nothing works. We have never been close. I didn't get to bond with him when he was born. All he wants is his dad. He won't even tell me anything no matter how hard I try.

My mum is having trouble with her DH, She rang me the other day having left him. I don't know what I was supposed to day or do, but really I wanted to tell her I have got enough to deal with at the moment. Anyway, she went back but they are arguing like mad and are now being thrown out of their house for not paying the rent.

There's just not enough hours in the day to get things done. I am desperate to decorate my kitchen, but I just cannot find the motivation to do it. When it's done it will make my life easier as I will have more worktop space etc to sort stuff. I just don't have the time to do everything else let alone something as major as that.

I feel ill. I have got a sore throat and got headache and feel more tired than I have ever felt before. I fell asleep on the sofa for 2 hours before while dd2 was in bed and I feel so ashamed cos I should have been cleaning instead.

I am overweight. I have got to fit into a bridesmaid dress in 6 weeks and I don't think I am going to manage it. I have lost 9lb so far but now I am struggling. I am 5ft 5 and weigh 12 stone 4lb now.

I hate where I live. I have all of 1 friend. I used to live in a city and now I am rural. I am not from around here so I don't belong. But the schools are good and close to DHs work (for what thats worth lately)

I feel like I am running around in circles all day every day, and I am no better off for it, but on the days when I go mad and do everything, its not worth it cos it still needs doing again in a day or two.

I just don't know what to do. Really I don't. I don't even think I am really depressed (been there before....big time!!) just seem to have a lot to deal with but I don't know how to.

I feel drained.

OK, so no, i don't feel any better for that. sorry.

Poor you, you have a lot on your plate and I am not surprised you feel low and tired! I too suffer from headaches and have been through all the tests etc - the only two things that occur to me are a) have you had your thyroid tested, as some of your symptoms could be from that (I got really ill after birth of DS and it turned out it was my thyroid, which is quite common in women after childbirth ) or b) have you asked the doc to try a pill which I now absolutely swear by for my headaches, called Pizotifen. It's basically an anti-histamine and somehow it stops the blood vessels in the head from tightening, which could be causing your headaches. I know what it's like - when you have a headache ON TOP OF EVERYTHING else, it is just impossible to cope. I end up shouting and swearing at my kids because I feel so ill and woolly, and snapping my head off at poor DH. Are you getting any time for yourself - a little bit in the evening where you can have a glass of wine? If you don't fit into the dress, can it be altered so you don't have that pressure. The only way I ever lost weight was by eating at 6pm, one of those calorie counted Marks microwave meals, and then nothing else for rest of evening, except a diet hot choc, one apple and 3 boiled sweets. And porridge for breakfast helped too. The weight did fall off when I did that diet, but don't stress about the wedding - if you are not eating right, the headaches will get even worse and you need all the energy you have at the moment. I am the same height as you, and on one of the happiest days of my life (my wedding day) I also weighed 12 stone 4. That somehow made me realise that happiness doesn't depend on weight, as my DH loves me whatever. But I know that might not help now, and I do know you want to lose the weight to feel better about yourself. Another pal of mine lost absolutely loads by walking for 2 hours a day - it was incredible, the weight simply disappeared. Not so easy when you're a mum though. Anyway, hope you are feeling a little better now and I'm sending you a big hug!

thanks.

i tried the pizotifen but it didn't do anything. thats why i am on the beta blockers now. 80mg. i have had my thyroid tested.

the dress can't be altered. i just need to loose the but inbetween my boobs and my belly.

DH due home any minute and i havent even started tea

Dominos pizza? Sorry, you sound like you've tried everything on the headaches, and of course if you're on betablockers then losing the weight will be harder. I do feel for you anangelwithin, you are going through a hard time right now. Can DH give you a nice foot rub, that always makes me better, well that and a fag.

theres not a dominos around here!! ive just done the veg and we are having pork chops and mash and veg. DH has come home and now having a bath. the kids are still playing me up,. they are fine with DH. i think they just hate me.

I read your OP about 5 mins after you posted angelW, I wanted to reply then but couldn't think of anything helpful.

Do you live close enough to your Nanna to go with her when she gets her test results?

It must be difficult with your DHs job too, I HATE it when employers treat people like that. My DH gets the doormat treatment a lot too.

I have no advice re your mum, she probably only needed someone to talk to, maybe didn't expect you to think she wanted you to do something IYSWIM. Do you get on well enough for her to stay with you for a couple of days while she is having problems, then maybe she can help you out with the DCs.

As for your DS1, mine is 10 and I have days where I really can't find any common ground with him. Some days he has a bloody awful attitude, others he is really meek and pathetic. Both my older DCs talk all the bloody time about bizarre random subjects, and they fight like cat and dog. It is very draining.

I don't know about the headaches, have you tried lavender pulse point gel on your temples? A lavender bath can help you relax. Are you sleeping OK at night?

You do have a lot on your plate and adding that to the stresses of running a home and caring for your DCs in a new environment sounds like a mammoth task.

I do know where you're coming from with running round in circles, having no energy and it not being worth doing things because they need doing again so soon, and really I wouldn't discount depression entirely, it is maybe milder this time than your previous experience so "feels" different. It might be worth a trip to your GP, the headaches could be linked to depression too.

As for losing weight, I cannot advise in any way, if you have no energy sticking to a diet is damned near impossible I find. For a faurly quick weight-loss I would recommend Rosemary Conley, there is a fairly strict two-week kick start plan in her GI jeans diet book.

I hope I have not offended with my comments, I am in a seemingly never-ending battle with depression myself and it can make me seem a bit uncaring at times. I really want to help or at least make you feel a bit better in that you can share this as you are not alone. Rx

Your kids DO NOT hate you. Their minds work in strange ways when they want to get their parents to react.

Please keep posting.

well last night went from bad to worse. i ended up having a complete screaming fit at the kids and DH and reduced them all and myself to tears. I asked them if they really wanted a mummy cos they were heading the right way towards not having one i haven't eaten for 2 days. i have got ds2 and dd2 at home today and I just can't be bothered to do anything. im freezing cold and my head and throat are killing me. DH did offer to stay at home today and ring in sick but i told him not to. i feel sick. im dreading fething the older 2 dcs from school later cos i know it will just be argument after argument until bed.

I don't know what to say.

You probably need to eat something, toast or a sandwich or something to keep your energy levels and blood sugar constant, keep your fluids up too to keep your throat moist.

If you tell your older DCS mummy is poorly and you need them to help you look after yourself and the little DCs and that you need them not to fight, would the idea of responsibilty appeal to them?

Have any of you mentioned your outburst? Do you need to clear the air and try to explain?

Don't do anything if you don't feel like it. Take a bit of time out. Will your little DCs have a nap later so you can have a bath/lie down?

dd2 might have a nap after lunch. outburst not been mentioned my the kids. dh asked last night why i had got in such a state and that 'you've not been like this for ages' whatever he means by that.

i can't eat. i feel sick.

older dcs (especially ds1) will just huff and puff at the thought of having to help.

i could really just leave home right now.

i don't know what to do.

I'm sorry I can't help.

Do your betablockers have side effects that might be worsening how you feel? Maybe you should try your GP.

Hang in there.

I hope someone has some good advice for you soon.

thanks for at least replying. i dont even know why i bother posting on here but i dont really have anyone in RL to talk to.

I think try and see the GP as you sound like feeling ill is at the root of a lot of it - I was on betablockers before and they do really drain you of all energy. It sounds like you might have flu too - with feeling cold, sore throat etc? Those Lem Sip max capsules might get you through the next few hours till school time? Poor you - it is a tough time and I think you said you have 4 kids, which is enough for anyone to feel tired and low!!!