Ideation

[SlinkyMalinki1]

Is there a name for a constant feeling of suicidal ideation that you have to brush aside day by day, by just about functioning as a mum and everything else?

Feeling low tonight, like a ghost just drifting, that no one notices or cares about.

That sounds very sad. Ideation is always there for all of us as the ultimate escape route. But you know the devastating, lifelong effect it would have on your children, which is why you reject it.

What's going on in your life?

Hi @SlinkyMalinki1 yes it's due to chronic depression.
You may not feel actually depressed but the illness is manifesting itself by making you feel suicidal. Obviously this is not pleasant for you! I've been there... it was horrible feeling bleak all the time.
I really recommend you try your gp, tell them honestly how suicidal you feel and ask to start anti depressants. If you already take them then increase the dose or change them with your doctors help.
Yes you get side effects at times but they're often only for a few weeks and you get through them; it's worth it as medication could save your life. Sending best wishes x

I have regular therapy, it helps a bit. I've never found Meds that really help unfortunately. I know they can be a lifeline with the right fit.

There's a lot of stress with work, family etc. My childhood was pretty rubbish (absent mother, father died when I was young) so there is a constant fear of abandonment, things going wrong and never feeling like I am enough.

Have a look at this article on core beliefs;

www.betterrelationships.org.au/well-being/core-beliefs-self-acceptance

The 'truths' we develop about ourselves in childhood come from what we see and what we are told at an age when we have neither the understanding or the language to challenge then - they are rarely helpful in adulthood. Would be good to explore this with your therapist.

Maybe therapy is the right thing for you then.. if you have a lot of issues then a good therapist can work through them with you.
I've only ever had psychotherapy once, when I was too unwell to benefit from it unfortunately!

Do you take everything you have said here to therapy? It sounds to me like you need to try and take this stuff somewhere. I know the feeling that you are talking about, I have spent a long time in therapy and it just helped to know someone understood and heard me. That is a very powerful and highly underrated experience in my opinion? I appreciate that you understand why you are like this but do you allow yourself to really experience how you are living your life in your therapy sessions, as in do you allow your therapist to see you as a ghost drifting? Good luck OP, it is a hard and difficult place to live and you can get through this. Take care of yourself