I feel that I will never be free of poor mental health, ever!

[Septemberintherain]

I am 50 in 4 months time.
I have suffered from very bad anxiety since I was small and had various issues as a child (existential fears, OCD’s and food issues, anxiety, health worries). I also had sleep issues and was put on Phenergan to get me to sleep, I was about 8 years old. I always felt wound up and on edge, for no real reason as I had a good early life. There was no real reason for my anxiety.
This has continued throughout my adult life with the addition of depression over the last 20 odd years.
I have also had really bad digestive issues for the last 25 years (been through a barrage of horrible tests and told each time it’s ‘just’ IBS), this is obviously exacerbated by my anxiety but it’s a horrible vicious cycle nonetheless as I can not break it regardless what I try (I have tried literally everything!).
I have spent a small fortune trying various therapies to no avail.
Depression/anxiety meds make my digestive issues so much worse.

As each significant birthday comes up it always leaves me contemplating my life and I have told myself at each big birthday (30, 40 and now 50) that I will turn my life around and get better but I always fail to do so.
I never seem to be able to get a grip on this overwhelming anxiety. It’s as though it’s so deeply embedded it will never free itself from me.
Everything stresses me, overwhelms me and makes me want to shy away from the world. I have been a fully paid up member of the adult world for a long, long time yet still feel that I can not handle things in the way my family and friends do.
I feel this has truly ruined my life and it is getting worse.
My GP always thinks CBT will fix me (it never has and I’ve had about 8 separate bouts of it over the last 10 years). GPs have never offered me anything more so I’ve had to fund everything else myself (usually talking therapies as they are the cheapest option, I’ve never been able to afford to see a psychiatrist). I can no longer afford to do this.
I feel that I wear this Mona Lisa type mask, I look like I’m dealing with it all but inside I am actually Munch’s Scream!

Please tell me that I am not alone with this because I do feel so isolated and alone with a mind which feels like it is permanently up against me and has been all my life

I totally understand you dilemma, I am 50 in 4 weeks and I could have written your post, it feels never ending doesn't it. I try to take one day at a time as if I think too much I get overwhelmed. I don't have any advise though or I would use it myself.

Thank you Homewoes22, it really does feel never ending. I do wonder if hormones are exacerbating everything?

Have you ready anything about psychedelics? I’m obviously not advocating taking illegal drugs from dealers but there are clinics that have licenses to use them to treat anxiety and depression - it might be worth looking into! At this point you have tried many treatment options so it could be beneficial.

Ready = read

I could have written this a few years ago. I have recently started to realise that I am probably autistic (or otherwise neurodiverse in some way) and it has been a revelation. My mental health struggles can be v easily explained and I understand myself so much better.
It may not be relevant for you but something to consider?

ArseMenagerie I have been reading a lot about them recently and watched a few documentaries but the thought of having to go on a ‘trip’ scares the life out of me!
MrsVeryTired I have very much considered this. Many autistic and adhd ‘symptoms’ resonates with me and I do score highly for inattentive adhd. My dd is on a waiting list for an assessment (3 year wait in our area). I am worried though that after years of going to the GP for anxiety issues she will think I’m just jumping on a social media bandwagon.

Septemberintherain yes, possibly hormones, I know I am in Peri menopause at the moment which could be why anxiety is feeling worse lately.

There was no real reason for my anxiety.

There's always a reason. Maybe something you now dismiss as childish or too inconsequential to have had an effect, but there's always a reason.

@Septemberintherain I don't necessarily mean that you should go down the assessment route/gp etc (unless you feel that would be helpful) but being aware can be very useful if it applies.

Do you have any trauma stemming from childhood? Your post describes my situation totally - anxiety for my whole life, IBS since a teenager and a lifetime of isolating myself. I have cPTSD from emotionally abusive parents and CBT-type therapy hasn't worked for me either. I haven't had much luck with the NHS, as I have been given antidepressants and have found the approach to be quite dismissive. The therapy I had was paid for privately, but pretty much resulted in my anxiety getting much worse.

If trauma is involved, CBT often doesn't help as isn't dealing so much with the past in sufficient depth and can be re-traumatising if not handled properly. For trauma, it is important to find a therapist who specialises in that specific area, also EMDR and somatic experiencing are recommended. I can't afford therapy at the moment, but would be very interested in somatic experiencing as the aim is to calm down the nervous system. Maybe these are options that you could look into to see whether they could help? There are some good Youtube channels too - one of my favourites is Irene Lyon who talks a lot about anxiety and nervous system disregulation.

Same age. Different issues however also depression and anxiety and eating disorder.
Also have arthritis and IBD.

Been given so many meds by NHS consultants.
None of it very helpful.
My GP got me referred to various therapy things on NHS. They were literally shit and made it worse.

Have private therapist for the ED which is helping and getting through it.

For pain anxiety and depression I found medical cannabis. Amazing!

You'll need to go to a private clinic. If you choose one like Sapphire or Integro. It won't be expensive and the medical cannabis isn't expensive. Given me my life back!
I'm myself. Feel calm and in control. Happy settled and it's excellent pain relief and helps with the IBD. I'm now off all prescription opiates and strong (consultant only) anti inflammatory drugs.

Because of my work I can't use the medical cannabis during the day so I only use in the evening. Thanks to the clinic I found a particular type which has an instant pain and mood effect but also a long lasting anti inflammatory action so I'm relatively pain free for around 16 to 18 hours after.

Being calmer and less depressed has helped me be more open in therapy so I am actually making more progress.

If you want to research clinics etc and costs of MC. Have a look here

medbud.wiki/clinics/
Hope it helps you. 💜