Feeling depressed after child’s illness

[Thatsnotevenmyusername]

Have been having a hard time lately. Youngest DC (infant) has been hospitalised 3 times in the last 7 weeks with recurrent severe breathing problems. It has been really frightening and traumatising. Most recently this week she has been admitted for 3 nights as she has unfortunately developed pneumonia from her most recent viral infection. Also hospital consultants said they will be treating her with asthma although too young to diagnose. She has been home for almost 2 days now and I still feel like I’m really struggling. I’m insanely exhausted (baring in mind I was averaging 2 hrs sleep a night in hospital max according to my Fitbit), I’m completely overwhelmed with day to day things with my other kids and I’m totally over-emotional to the point where my DH was being sensitive and now just thinks I’m being angry and unreasonable. I think the last 6 weeks of 3 hospital admissions with my infant are taking it’s toll, as well as on my other very young dc who has begun bed wetting the last 4 nights since we went into hospital after 6+ months of being dry. I feel like I’m failing my whole family. Please tell me it gets better xx

It doesn’t sound like you are failing your family, it sounds like you are understandably terrified, overwhelmed and exhausted.

Can you get anyone to help you for a few hours so you can have a good long sleep? Parent, neighbour, sibling, friend, babysitter, random person from church, colleague… any combination of the above…? I think you’ll find that everything feels less bleak after sleep. It is a fundamental need.

Obviously if your mood gets worse, please talk to your GP. It does sound, however, like you are in a temporary but extremely full-on phase that would drive anyone to the brink of despair.

I’m so sorry that you’re facing this. I hope that your DC gets well soon, and that you manage to settle into a nice routine.

Thank you for replying, it’s nice to know someone out there is listening. This is our third hospitalisation in less than 7 weeks and you’d think id be used to it now but I’ve definitely found this admission the hardest to deal with. My youngest DC is only 11 months yet I’ve watched her struggle to breathe so much in the last 2 months she’s needed admitted to hospital three times. I stay with her for the full time she’s admitted (I am a sahm, husband has very full-on, very well-paid Job so he will try and work around me and baby in hospital and also our preschool age daughter which hasn’t been easy. My parents have been collecting her from school which she usually loves but since knowing her sister has been in hospital she has became very clingy to myself and her dad and rejecting her grandparents which is very unusual for her. She has also wet the bed since the night her sister went into hospital most recently and still continues to do so. I’m just so stressed out. Dh has told me to sleep on tomorrow and he will get up with the kids. I just still feel like a can’t catch a proper breath.I haven’t felt this level of anxiety in in about 12 years and don’t know how to calm it

I'm sorry you've had to watch your daughter struggling to breathe over the past few weeks. As an outsider, it's horrible to read it and imagine. To have actually lived through that with your own child is distressing, to the point of being traumatic. I don't mean you have PTSD. But trauma is a form of huge stress about something you can't control, usually related to life/death in some way. So given that, it's perfectly normal for you to be exhausted, even without the lack of sleep.

Getting as much sleep as possible is important. So is taking time for yourself. If this means kids in front of TV more than ideal amounts for a whole, go for it. Anything else you find relaxing should be a priority too. The goal is to calm your nervous system down. It's accumulative too, so, for example, 20 minutes undisturbed to have a cup of tea is better than not.

Generally, sleep, fresh air, taking things a bit slower, cutting yourself some slack (you've been through a lot), moderate exercise like going for a walk, yoga, breathing exercises (plenty of apps with them) are all things that help calm the nervous system. However, I've found I don't like all of those, so I do what makes me feel calm. Could be knitting. Anything that you like to do basically.

It's a case here of putting in your own life jacket first. And it's not going to be forever.

Re your toddler, a bit of love bombing there will likely help. Hard to do when you've nothing left to give, but spending some one-on-one time with her, focussing on her, then (for example) she goes to GPs and you have something planned to do with her when she's back, telling her you're having a sleep while she's away (so she knows you'll be there plus not doing anything interesting!), might help? She needs lots of reassurance and your attention, no doubt along with some predictability/certainty. Her little life has also been thrown up in the air.

If the hospital think it's asthma, is there something they can do to help her preventatively? I have no idea about asthma treatments above inhalers.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this. It's bad enough when something happens to our children, but the aftermath of managing our own feelings, fears and ability to function on top of managing other children we may have is absolutely massive.

Oh love. I had an almost identical experience with one of my babies. You are utterly wrung out. Take your DH up on his offer. Stay in bed and have a good cry if you need to. Get it all out.
Then cut yourself some slack. Takeout for the next few days.
Tell DH you all need a break. Him too.
Plonk yourself on the couch and let DC spend the weekend snuggled up next to you. Watch disney movies and let her eat biscuits. Just don't do anything but hang out in your pyjamas while you rest and feed the baby. Nod off to sleep when you can.
Your DC will have all the benefit of being cosy with you while you literally don't have to do anything but be there with her.
Everything else can wait. You need to let yourself recover. If the anxiety doesn't start to diminish, ring the GP next week but I reckon a couple of days completely switching off the world is a good start.