Hi everyone
I’m just looking to vent I think.I just feel so alone .I was blessed with an amazing mum .Life was so hard for her …,when my only sibling was 34 years old he hanged himself after a long spate of depression after failed cosmetic surgery and gender confusion.He was so successful career wise and had it all …he was generous,so funny and so very close to my children he was more like a dad to them .Mum doted on him and it broke her soul when he passed .Part of her died with him ,but she kept on going for me and my children.Working every day and spending all her time with me .She was like a mum to my 3 children aswell and looked after us all .When she retired I saw her every single day ,we did everything together.The school runs,shopping ,coffees and spent every weekend together.My children adored her and she was our rock .I’m a single parent and it was always me ,the kids and my mum.Mum was my carer too in a big way as I’ve always struggled with mental health but have had lots of therapy and am functioning ,but she was my safe place .She was a power house and had very high power career all her life and even in retirement she never stopped .One day she showed me a lump on her neck that she was covering with her hair and said it was an ear,nose and throat thing and that she had been to the doctor and had antibiotics.She was very defensive and evasive about it all and I noticed her breathing was laboured too and became so concerned.She refused to let me go to the doctors with her and shouted at me for telling her what to do .It was clear she was getting no better and one day she rang me in distress and I want over to her home and dragged her to the doctor who sent her to hospital.She refused to let me in to speak with the doctor and told me afterwards that she was allowed home and given strong antibiotics.I refused to leave her and stayed at her flat that night and she got worse ,struggling to breathe so I called an ambulance and she was admitted straight away.
The next day I was told by the doctors that she had lymphoma and they gave her chemo and kept her at the hospital for 8 weeks .They managed to reduce her tumours but told us it was aggressive .No words can describe any of it ,it was a living nightmare.When the hospital were ready to discharge her ,she was still unable to look after herself ,even walk , and obviously I took her home to stay with me to care for her through her treatment.After only 2 weeks of being at mine and going backwards and forward to hospital for appointments via ambulance,she contracted covid and ten days later she died ,aged 72.All in the space of about 3 months .I was lucky to be at her bedside ,able to say goodbye and thank her for a lifetime .
In my bedroom I have my mums ashes and my brothers ashes next to each other .I have no words for the sadness and grief I feel and I carry on for my beautiful 1O year old son and my other 2 adult children.I try my absolute best every day but I struggle with depression.I’m on medication and I focus on the positive every day and fight to keep everything as good and normal and happy for my son,(the older 2 have their own lives although we are close)with his school and home life and I just adore him.I spend my days looking after him and the house ,keeping everything clean tidy and in a safe routine .I take my son for days out and have his little friends over for play dates etc .I don’t want my mum’s life and all her effort and love she put in to my little family to be in vein so I carry on as I know she would have wanted ..I made a promise to her when I said good bye to her that the kids would always always be safe and well and I would continue to give them everything I could possibly manage and continue to stay strong and well with my mental health.No medals for any of that ,it’s just what us mums strive to do .But I feel a total and utter mess .I hurt so much inside I can’t find the words .I feel so alone .I feel like a scared child in a big adult world now without mum ,yet im 42!!
I have friends but they have their lives and I don’t want to go on about me ,me ,me to them because that’s unfair ,everyone has their own crap to deal with but I just felt very alone and wanted to put my feelings out there ,I have to put a happy face all the time so people don’t think I’m a bad mum or get concerned about me feeling low and I get fed up doing that sometimes ,like tonight .It helps to take the mask off sometimes.
apologies for the massive novel I’ve just reeled off and thank you to anyone who has taken the time to read it x Does anyone have a similar story to share ?