Very worried about a friend's teen...

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I'm friendly with the mum of one of my 13-year-old daughter's school friends (since early primary school days). We're not close friends, but we meet up for occasional coffees and chats.

Anyway, my daughter is not close to this girl (let's call her H), but they are in the same friendship group. H has always been socially awkward with very strange / unusual behaviour and mannerisms. I realize I'm no expert but I'd say she has some kind of disorder, whether autism or something else. However, her mother – as far as I can gauge from conversations with her – is very against any kind of 'labelling'. Obviously, I've never said a word about my thoughts to her because I absolutely know it's not my place.

Anyway, H has really struggled in secondary school and is now refusing to attend altogether. She's very bright but I suspect the pandemic made her anxieties around school/friendships worse and going back wasn't easy. She hasn't attended school for many months now.

I saw her mother recently who described how H literally stays in her room with her computer / phone and doesn't engage with her parents at all (not even at meal times). She only comes out to get food, which she takes back to her room. She's an only child, so has no contact with other children in the home. Apparently she isn't doing any schoolwork at all. She was seeing a CAHMS counsellor (who believed she has depression) but H now refuses point blank to see her or anyone else, at home or elsewhere. My friend seemed disparaging about CAHMS, I feel like she was quick to say nobody understands her daughter and she isn't making counselling a priority. Apparently the school are not really engaged since CAHMS got involved – I'm not sure if they can do anything.

I just can't bear to think of this girl shut up in her room 24/7. Her mother speaks like she just needs time to get better, but how can she if she's isolated from the world outside. My daughter receives the odd text from her and says she goes to bed after midnight and gets up at 4pm. I don't think she's communicating with anyone else at school. It's like she's living in some cold, friendless world and has just slipped between the cracks – is there anything I should do? I really don't want to meddle but a voice keeps telling me that nobody is paying any attention to this awful situation.

Autism certainly does have an impact on chances of success. Only 16 percent of autistic adults are in full time work. This is because the world is an NT world and many autistic people experience burnout or cannot otherwise manage the expectations placed upon them by or in an NT workplace.

OP the story you tell is very common in neurodiverse secondary schoolers. It's practically endemic under Gove curriculum and post COVID, esp for those with internalising ("female pattern") autism. All you can do is have your daughter not withdraw.

When my son went through his crash, he had one dogged friend who continued to call round regardless of how able my son was to respond on any particular day, and even when my son was unable to see him. This single friend was more valuable in my son's (partial) recovery to a new normal than any number of professionals. Please tell your daughter this girl just needs a friend who keeps reaching out even if/when she is rejected or gets little back in return. It's the burnout doing that, not the person and is separate from the way they feel about their friends.

Thank you @FainaSnowChild That's what my daughter is doing. I encourage her daily to keep reaching out.

Not sure why you're so angry with me. Have you read my posts? Or just leapt to conclusions? I asked for advice.

My 'tone' was for those posters who automatically assumed that because I had the audacity to say I was worried about a daughter's friend - while freely saying I had no experience of school avoidance myself - I was therefore a nasty, scheming, judgmental person.

I've even clearly stated this friend isn't a close friend. So no, she's not like a sister. I know her and I'm sorry and worried for her.

We've all read your posts. Your 'tone' is reserved from those of us on here with experience of children like your friends child.

That's very telling.

We have explained why reporting is unnecessary (as the child is already known) and why it is unhelpful and how you have no idea that your version of good parenting doesn't work in this situation but you are ignoring this because all you are prepared to see is 'passive' parent and neglected child because you are viewing it with an ableist viewpoint. You keep saying not all parents are good. We know that but we also know that if this child is actually under CAMHS this parent is the opposite of passive and neglectful because we know the effort it takes to get a child seen by CAMHS in the first place.

So yes, those of us who have been in this situation are rightly offended by your tone.

If you are still concerned about the child please do call the police and social services and get of your fucking high horse with your ableism.

No, a few people on here have shared their experience in a calm, measured way. It's been really helpful.

Then, some, like you, have laid into me in a really unpleasant way for asking questions and not having a full picture of the issue. Or for daring to defend myself from 'judgemental' accusations.

I even thanked you for sharing your experience at one point and said I'd learned from it... despite your angry, defensive tone.

I can understand why you might be defensive but please stop assuming the worst of me.
I never said I was going to report anybody. And I haven't said anywhere I would ignore advice. In the very first message, someone suggested i report and I said that wasn't my intention.

What a viper's nest... I won't be asking for advice again on Mumsnet anytime soon.

It's difficult to remain calm with someone refusing advice from those with experience in favour of preferring to believe that a parent is passive and a child is neglected.

Why did you post this OP? What advice are you actually seeking?

You don't want to hear what those of us with experience are saying (she could be a bad parent).

You don't want to report (it's not your intention).

You don't want to do the useful things suggested by a poster of actually sitting with her and helping - you're not as close as sisters.

So what do you want? What do you want to hear?

Because otherwise what is it other than wanting your ableist views of parenting validated?

And I think it is a good idea that you don't ask advice on a mental health forum if you are going to call women with actual real life experience of dealing with child mental health issues a bunch of vipers because we don't agree with you when your views are ableist.

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