Postnatal depression, PTSD, where to start

[CoffeeMama1]

I'm so sorry if this becomes a bit of word vomit, I just need to get it out because I just don't know where to start or what to do.

I'm so unbelievably unhappy. I have a wonderful 13 month old, a loving sweet husband, a great job with great people but I hate waking up every day and I wish I didn't have to keep on. I don't want to unalive myself, not at all, I just don't want this existence.

I'm failing on all fronts, I'm shit at my job and spend all my time WFH doing nothing but scrolling social media but because I get stuff done I seem to get y but I hate it, I WANT to be busy and be successful. My marriage feels so tense because I'm just always stressed and unhappy and feeling hard done by. I'm a crap mum because I just have zero patience and all I want to do is raise her in a loving supportive way but I just snap so quickly.

I want to do and be so much but I just cant, I can't ever get myself to do anything. The house is disgusting, I'm embarrassed to even open the door to people and some times I go a week only showering once. I literally disgust myself. I wish I could just vanish overnight and he replaced with someone my family deserves.

I don't know what to do, I've done years of therapy, it helps and then it doesn't, and because my GP was so bad at my 8 week check I never pushed for more post natal mental health support (I was told "you're a mum now, you're only here to look after baby, you have no other purpose") so even if I got the courage to go back I'd be at the bottom of a long long list.

I genuinely have no friends either, mum friends I made on leave were all superficial, I never fit in, the guilt I carry that my baby doesn't have friends or see other babies is huge, I'm turning her into a social outcast like me. I literally don't have anyone. If something happened and I wanted to share the news I'd haven't husband and that's it, no one else I'd feel close enough to tell.

I'm so sorry, I just hate this, I want to be anyone but me, I never wanted to be a bad home for a child and now I'm going to end up messing her up as much as I am.

How the hell can I start to feel any better. It has to change, or I think I'll just have a complete breakdown.

Have you spoken to pandas they’re a support group for mums with post natal depression and have lots of support advise?

I'm so sorry you are feeling this bad. You absolutely need to go back to your drs! Take no crap from them and insist you get the level of care you deserve. It has to be done these days. I think postnatal mental health is taken more seriously these days but I agree it can be a slog to get seen properly at the drs. I had an experience when I rung my drs in such turmoil (suffering from pnd) and I was told i couldn't be seen for 2 weeks then when I hung up I said to myself no it's not right as I was really suffering so I rung back and insisted I be seen asap. I did and was given antidepressants which have helped tremendously but also physical exercise has helped and getting some time to myself. If you can, try. I know its hard when you feel so depressed but it's the small steps which make the big leaps over time. Sending hugs xx