I've spent my entire adult live (31 years) dealing with severe and life debilitating mental health issues. I'm a single mum with zero help from my sons father. Having to deal with my sons suicide attempt last year alone has fucked me up completely. I had therapy for PTSD due to that but the fear that every time he walks out the door, he's not coming back is still very much there. The night he attempted he walked out my house as happy as anything, I had no clue, which is why I am so terrified as I didn't see any signs.
I'm on an array of medication including quetiapine, escitalopram and diazepam. I have been in and out of therapy since I was 16. Every relationship has failed due to my partners not being able to cope, they just give up on me. This compounds my BPD and my extreme fears of abandonment. I live with monophobia, devastating agoraphobia (don't go out at all). I have depression, GAD and panic disorder. I'm under the mental health team and my doctor also knows what's going on. I'm waiting for secondary care but that takes ages to come through (primary care can't help me any more, too complex). I have had my quetiapine increased and alongside my escitalopram makes for horrendous side effects. Heart palpitations, nausea, dizziness, eyes not focusing, migraines and chest pains (definitely not panic symptoms).
I just feel like i have fought for long enough. I have no life at all.
I'm so tired and have literally exhausted every channel of 'help' over the 3 decades. I genuinely feel I am not meant to be happy and well.
Half of my family don't talk to me because of my illness. I am blamed for so much. At this point i am definitely more of a hinderance and a trouble maker.
I hate my life.
I have had enough of living like this.
Nothing is working.