Affair Trauma

[Mariemalone]

Hi all, long story short, I was with my (now ex) partner for 5 years, we were engaged & due to be married next year. Our engagement was a year ago, and a few months ago I found out he had been having an affair with my (now ex, married best friend)

Obviously I'm heartbroken, and I can't get my head around why, or how, but I am really struggling to deal with this. After I found out about the affair, I immediately kicked him out, and things took a turn for the worst. He attempted suicide by taking 2 overdoses, then the third and fourth time, he made attempts to hang himself. Each time he did this, I was there trying to support him (although I owed him nothing)

Things have settled down, I haven't heard from him for about 6 weeks, he was writing letters and trying to contact me in every way he could, full of regret and saying it was his mental health that made him cheat. I asked that he stopped contacting me for my own sanity, and I have had some counselling to help with the trauma.

As for the friend, I haven't heard from her since the day I found out. I don't want to, but I feel so angry all the time, I have dreams about her most nights, and I just don't know what to do about it. Everyone is saying silence is golden, and I don't want to cause a scene, but I feel like I'm going to explode. Her husband kicked her out, and she is living with her parents, I was very close to them, and they were my parents best friends. She has a young son, and my partner had a teenage son from a previous relationship, both of which I was really really close to.

I feel like I have lost so much, and I know I deserve so much better, but I just feel hopeless. I'm low in mood, I don't want to do much with friends, I cancel plans, and I'm full of dread. I have lost the 2 people who I loved so very much, and I feel like a total fool. I saw signs, I confronted both of them, she made me feel like I was insane by saying I had a low self esteem, and he made a joke if it and laughed it off. It was going on for 2 years, maybe more. In that time he proposed, we booked our wedding, she was my bridesmaid and her son was my page boy. I just don't understand how. They both said it was just sex, and they aren't together now (as far as I know) although they have been seen drinking on a beach together, probably wallowing in their own self pity. She has blamed it on her husband working too much.

I'm traumatised, mostly by the suicide, I had to cut shoelaces from his throat. He always went to a public busy place, so I have now (after councelling) have learned it was probably a cry for help, but at the time it didn't feel that way. Does anyone have any advice, or anything that could help me wade through this awful time. I have a supportive family and a small group of close friends who I can talk to, but I just feel like I'm sick of boring them with my problems, so I tend to not say anything and put a smile on my face.

Any help and advice will be greatly helpful, I might explode with anger or drown in a pool of tears (dramatic I know)

Thank you 😊 x

Hello OP, what a horrible betrayal you have been through. There is something deeply traumatising about betrayal and it takes time for the hurt to fade.

With these types of situations although it is hard I always think it is helpful to not take it personally. People who can betray you like that are deeply problematic people.

As for the suicide attempts quite frankly it sounds like a load of manipulation to me.

May be you could just free flow write all your thoughts down about the situation to stop that feeling of wanting to explode. Put it on paper and burn it.

You say you have good friends and family, appreciate that and realise that you are very lucky to have that - many don't.

I'm sure someone else will come along with a better way to deal with this but I wish you all the best.

Wow op I actually don’t think I can think of a bigger betrayal than what you’ve been through - your reaction is very normal and not at all a burden on those around you. They are all very happy to be able to support you I’m certain. This is just horrible and I’m angry for you that the two people you trusted most did this. I’m not surprised you are suffering trauma from the suicides that is beyond horrific. I’ve no experience that even comes close but some things I thought might help is a long trip somewhere new and wonderful? A yoga retreat? Or a regular yoga or meditation group. Read ‘Tiny Beautiful Things’ by Sheryl Strayed. Also there’s lots of podcast series around stories of people who’ve been terribly betrayed - perhaps listening to some others stories will help you feel less alone. There’s a charity called Gingerbread who help people after separation- I think they are or were primarily aimed at single parents but actually I think you could find some support here too; you’ve lost family during this. So sorry you’re going through this. If I knew you in real life and knew what had gone on, I wouldn’t care if you talked to me about it 24 hours a day for several months. Keep talking. Best of luck to you. xxxx

Thank you very much, I do find writing this down helps. I did write a letter with intent to send it, but I chickened out. I am worried it'll trigger the suicide again and I just can't deal with that. I am very lucky with the support I have, I think I just needed the opinions of people who don't know me. You are very kind to reply, thank you for your advice.

Thank you for replying. I have taken up mindfulness meditation, I find it hard to zone out of life, but I'm starting to see some benefits. Mostly the breathing techniques and relaxation are working most to help me sleep.

I hadn't thought of podcasts, I'm not really a reader, but listening to something would be great. My grandma also passed away a few weeks ago, it's been a really terrible time. I joined netmums originally as my ex partner had a son, and I found some of the information helpful as I wasn't a mum myself. I will have a look into that charity.

I'm not the type to play victim, and I don't wish for sympathy, I just want to make sure I'm helping myself as much as I can. I already take medication for anxiety, and have done for many years, but I can feel myself spiraling and I don't want to go backwards and rely on upping my medication. I have had counselling, and I think I'm doing pretty well, but I have had a number of very down days and I worry I'm going to have some kind of breakdown :(

Thank you for your kind words and advice, I really appreciate it. X

I think you sound like an incredibly strong person. You didn't tolerate the betrayal or let yourself be swayed by the suicide attempts (which I am sorry if you think this is harsh, but I think it was manipulation).

You are possibly grieving the future you thought you would have and for the relationships you have lost.

If you are feeling like you may be a breaking point it may be best to start doing therapy again and take a break from work and concentrate on how you want to move forward from this horrible experience.

Please know that you are not to blame for this and these two would likely behave like that with other people. It's nothing you are lacking or doing wrong. Xxx

Thank you, I think a few more therapy sessions may be helpful to me. I am definitely grieving the future, my marriage, the babies we planned. Its just awful. I also miss my partners child terribly, I have been unable to be in contact with him because I was told he is very upset at the moment, and also, if I do get in contact, that means my ex has a way to speak with me. I feel so selfish, but I just can't have him trying to communicate with me, it sets me back. I feel so much guilt, he has mental health issues, I have always supported him, and I know he is struggling now, and I feel terrible for not being there for him, but he has caused this. I have so many feelings, most of them aren't so good, I just need a mental break. I wish I could press stop!

I do feel I wasn't good enough, if I was, he wouldn't have cheated, but I do also know that I couldn't have done more for him. I pulled him out of awful situations numerous times, I supported him constantly, I forgave him more times than I can think of for his excessive drinking, I sorted out his debt for him. I really couldn't have done more, but yet, I still wasn't enough. As for my ex best friend, I feel so much more betrayed by her, we were friends for 27 years, met when we were 6. I was there for every milstone in her life, good and bad. I couldn't have been closer to her. I don't know how I will ever deal with what she has done to me. X