Emetophobia and health anxiety unmanageable today

[nononononovom]

I have always been emetophobic and had health anxiety, as far back as I can remember. I am autistic, so a small event that could have occurred when very young could have set very rigid thinking pattern into place because of my neurotype. Not necessarily something a neurotypical person would even notice. I understand this, but at the same time I am also a victim to it. I also had HG with all my pregnancies, so have spent a lot of time actively fighting against a thing I find traumatic, so there's a lot of baggage there. CBT doesn't work for me. Too autistic apparently. So I'm stuck.

I live with it every day but I try not to let it affect my family. I let my kids do all the things that kids do, soft play, after school clubs etc, even though they make me twitchy because I imagine them as just a giant Petri dish for viral infections. They do it these things and I just suck it up because I refuse to pass my fear onto them. But sometimes I just can't cope.

DH is away with the younger DC this weekend, leaving me with DC1 (also autistic, adhd, spd, learning disability, ARFID, all the comorbidities basically) and I was incredibly nervous yesterday but managed overnight.

This afternoon I've become a bit of a mess. I had a nausea pang, which freaked me out so much that I've just been pretty much paralysed on the sofa except to get the endless bowls of cereal and milk requested by DC1. I'm just staring out of the window endlessly assessing my stomach, bowels etc. Was that a gurgle? How long do I have? How will I cope through the night? Etc etc etc.

I daren't eat or drink. I daren't watch anything on tv in case it makes me feel sick. The only thing I have let myself do is take a cyclizine for the nausea.

DC1 is fine. Eating like a horse and bouncing around like usual, which is the only thing keeping me from absolutely losing it because if he were off his food or quiet I would know something was off and my brain would explode.

I guess I just want a friend to sit with me for a bit and tell me I will be ok, but I don't have any because... autism. So will anyone here just sit with me for a bit?

Oh OP, I'm sorry you are struggling today. Would keeping busy help try to take you mind off it a bit? Maybe playing with your DC or tidying the house to give you something else to focus on. I know that when my DC are unwell I start over analysing any possible symptom anyone in the house has and I've found the best thing is to just try and do something else otherwise the worry just spirals. But I don't have health anxiety or any phobias so sorry if that won't work for you.

I'm here and going through similar with health anxiety. Today has been an awful day. To the point where I've actually gone to a private gp and have been prescribed diazapan.

Once I've calmed down, I will come back to your post and try to offer words of support.

Just wanted you to know, I understand.

I wish I could calm down @ReadyTeddyGoooo but no private GP option here. I have some propranolol I can take if it gets bad, but I am in such a state where I worry they will make me sick. My brain isn't engaging today at all.

Gah, I managed ok for a few hours but now I have got myself in a stress again. I hate my brain!

@nononononovom how have you been today?

I've just re read your post and I really can relate and empathise to much of what you've said.

My health anxiety has been bad since I was 18. I'm 35 now. I've worried about brain tumours, ms, throat cancer, geart problems, high blood pressure, leukemia... it has swapped from one thing to another. But it's got even worse since having my children in the last 4 years. Since having children, most of my health anxiety has been focused on gynaecology issues. It's become ocd and it's involved checking, checking and more checking. And I'm now at breaking point with it.

I've had therapy over the years. Perinatal psychology for a year after both pregnancies. I've been on SSRIs since I was 18 but I still haven't got any sort of grip on it.

Really interesting what you said about cbt not working because of your autism.

I've not been diagnosed with autism but my 4 year old is currently being diagnosed for both asd and adhd. Since looking into it for him, I think I have both of these things too. And of course, genetics are a big factor. My thinking can be so black and white and that also triggers a lot of anxiety.

What sort of coping strategies do you use?

It's so hard when anxiety grips you. I said to my husband yesterday that I feel like I'm in a deep hole, trying to claw my way out but the hoke just keeps getting deeper. I very much go into freeze mode where I'll be too anxious to even move.

How old are your children? Mine are 4 and 1. I think you've got a such a good approach to still letting them do 'germy' activities even though it makes you nervous. I can be the same with my children. I worry about germs too but don't let it hold them back.
It's hard protecting them for health anxiety. My dad had health anxiety when I was little and that could be where mine has stemed from so I don't won't my dcs to be the same.