Ocd about loving my children

[Ocddad]

Hello, please dont judge me.

I've always struggled with my mental health, mostly anxiety.

I'm currently struggling with the ghoughts that I don't love my wife and children and am hoping this is ROCD.

When my son was born I was the happiest I have ever been in my whole life, it was hard work but I loved every minute of it, he brought me so much joy.

I was so excited about the birth of my second child but when she came I had a huge pang of dread, it took me a while to bond with her but I did and she is the most beautiful girl in the whole world.

Fast forward a few years, I was heavily overworked, had no me time and felt pretty low and was super stressed at home.

Then my wife discovered she was pregnant and my mind just collapsed.

I stopped sleeping for 3 months with anxiety.

Then had thoughts that I didn't love my children, the a year later that I didn't love my wife.

I felt like it was the end for me.

I've done lots of therapy and now know that I truly love my wife and kids but my mind constantly asks if I do, whether I feel a connection to them, whether I am enjoying myself with them, whether I am happy at home.

I've spent 2 years like this now, constantly googling to get some relief, answering my thoughts, arguing with them, I seem to get relief from one train of thought then something else pops up.

It is destroying me.

I'm so happy when I'm snuggled up next to them, i pick them up from school, take them to classes and feel immensely proud of them, they make me laugh every day yet the thoughts keep coming.

I am not a monster, I swore that I would be there for my kids no matter what, I love imagining their future, what they will turn out like.

I really want to be with them but just can't stop the negative thoughts.

I wandered if you guys could relate at all?

I've occasionally had this and the thing I've also used to stop it is to say to myself "you can't control your thoughts but you can control your arms and legs". So I might have a thought like "what would happen if I threw DD out of the window" but I just ask myself "are your legs walking over to her, are your arms picking her up, are you walking towards the window" and because I had no inclination whatsoever to do those things I knew the thought was completely harmless.

So your thought that you don't love your children is there but so long as you're behaving with them in a loving way (and everything you describe doing with them shows that you are) it doesn't matter at all. If you were thinking you didn't love them and were BEHAVING as if you didn't it would matter a great deal!

Have you tried mindfulness meditation at all? One of the aims is to allow you to experience thoughts and just letting them exist without feeling the need to stop them or act on them or do anything.

www.madeofmillions.com/ocd/mindfulness#:~:text=Mindfulness%20is%20a%20useful%20technique,to%20make%20it%20go%20away.

Some people find labelling the thoughts helpful too - so when one starts you think "oh, that's the not loving thought" or even giving them numbers. "Oh, I'm having number 2 today". I tried this when I had insomnia and it does help to give you some distance.

Best wishes to you.

I wholeheartedly agree with the above poster. They are 'just' (albeit very challenging) thoughts, and you are not acting on them, just having them. It's the same for all of us.

Thanks for your replies, I've found a few other threads our there from people with similar issues, I definitely feel the love for my kids, I definitely love playing with them and being with them. It's just my brain telling me otherwise!

I've also had the violet thoughts but they don't remotely bother me because they are so far removed from whi I am.

I suppose I can relate to the 'love' thought because of me upbringing and the various absent dads that I know of.

It's so frustrating and upsetting.

I've cried gallons of tears over the last couple of years!!

@Ocddad How are you doing now ? Your post describes exactly how I'm feeling. it's torture, I have three children and constantly question do I love them, Am I happy, am I enjoying time with them. As soon as I get relief that the thoughts are not true another one will come along that I need to challenge. Even writing this I feel like I'm kidding myself on and faking my love. Any advice appreciated xx