What to tell other people

[Starmoonsun3]

Morning everyone. Just looking for some advice. My partner is not well at the moment. Its been going on for a long time but has got worse recently. We have the involvement of our local early intervention team & they are going to be trying him on anti psychotics. Hopefully they will work but if not maybe heading for a hospital stay.
Anyway, this has been going on quite a while and he stopped seeing family and friends. I still take the children to see his family. Have always just made excuses that he's poorly or busy so far.
He feels very embarrassed & ashamed about all this. He is an extremely private person & never tells anyone anything. He is adamant he doesn't want anyone to know about any of this. Fair enough. But it's tough because what can I say to people explaining his absence from things or if they turn up at the house etc.?
Also do we tell our children anything at all about it? They know that somethings not right.
Also his work. He's current sick note just says depression but it's gone beyond that now & I don't think he will be fit for work for a long time. Again, he doesn't want them to know, but how do we get around that?
Expecting him to suffer from side effects of the tablets at first too, but I don't know what to expect from that

Even our nosy neighbours have been asking what's wrong with him. Because they've noticed he's not going to work or even leaving the house. We live in a cul de sac with very nosy neighbours!

It's a tricky one, despite all the mental health PR about men talking about it.

Talk to him about being honest with his immediate family and close friends so they can support him. It's a big step (acceptance of the label for one). Work can wait - as long as he is signed off by a doctor they can get what the fit note says. If / when a return to work is needed he might need to be more specific with occupational health to ensure the return to work is managed.

Is he getting help / CBT sessions or anything? I found being in a group useful, especially the early acceptance that I was 'ill'. Getting a label was emotional and tough, but a step towards getting better (for me).
Some mental health organisations do some sessions for the partners of those being treated.

He is absolutely adamant they can't know. It's tough on me because I have no one to lean on.
He also won't attend anything in groups (Just yet) because he's become so anti social he would gets extremely anxious in a group situation & wouldn't speak

The trouble with depression is that it's a very selfish illness. It becomes all about the patient without them having the ability or wherewithal to think how it affects other people. I remember a neighbour killing himself and his children finding him. If he could think normally, he'd have never have let his children suffer that.

Your partner is being equally selfish towards you by putting you in the situation of bearing all the social pressure. It's unfair on you and quite frankly, not acceptable. You need support as well because his illness will be affecting you and the children.

You need to have an honest discussion with him how his behaviour is affecting your life and what he needs to do so that you are able to stay healthy enough to move forward supporting him. Don't let him get away with it embarrasses him. It's an illness, he's an adult with a family, he has responsibilities to you all and he needs to put up with a bit of embarrassment for the sake of his family. Just sticking his head in the sand is helping no one.

I have been in a similar situation this year with my partner, although he has been hospitalised. I agree with the posters above who have said it is unfair of him to expect you to take it all on yourself with no support. In terms of letting people know, I thought of it in terms of building a scaffolding of support for our family (including me and the kids) so worked out and told only those people who needed to know so that they could support us all (close family, close friends, work, kids schools). Everyone else (including nosy neighbours!) doesn't get any details. I would definitely tell the children sonething (clear but age appropriate) as soon as possible, chances are they have already picked up that something is wrong (Our kids are late primary/early secondary).

I hope you all get the support you need.

That is tough on you. Do you have one close friend or family member that you could lean on for support, explain everything that is happening, that you trust not to tell anyone else, or say anything to your husband?

Or could you just say he's really unwell and you're struggling to support him with no-one to talk to, and not reveal details, just have someone who can listen to you?

You could tell the neighbors that he is WFH.

Family can be tricky. Can you suggest a milder version like work stress. Or just ask him to call them to have a chat or something.

Children should know that their dad is a bit poorly and is getting help like medication or something. How is he in general?

Side effects, please don't Google just read the prescription booklet to t . Please look after yourself too.

Update... We've just had a talk about Xmas. We are supposed to be seeing different family members on days around Xmas and then on Xmas day both sets of parents always come to us.
As soon as I mentioned it he put a blanket over his head and wouldn't engage with him. I pushed him because I said I need to know so I can plan.
He says he doesn't want to see anyone and for me just tell them he doesn't want to see them. But that's not true, this is the illness talking.
I've explained to them I can't just say that, what am I supposed to tell people why he's not being involved on Xmas day, it will be blatantly obvious there is something wrong.
I absolutely hate this and especially because I'm the one who has to see the family and tell them why he isn't there. This is so difficult for us.it also shows that his tablets aren't working because they are supposed to help him feel more social and he isn't.

It sounds as though you are being incredibly supportive and you are in a really difficult situation. In your position I think I would tell some people who can provide you and your husband support. I say this as someone who has had periods of being very unwell and spent time in hospital.

When are the EIP team seeing him again? What have they prescribed?

I took all sorts of anti-depressants and none of them worked for me.
Look, lay it on the line. He tells them or you tell them. You're just helping him avoid facing up to his problems.

You don't have to tell anyone anything. Maybe close family or friends.

But just make sure you have support yourself. I would suggest he taking a break. Or maybe if he goes hospital say he gone away for awhile. Really wouldn't explain to people don't feel forced to it's not their business.
Work may need to know in time and especially your children but say daddy not feeling too good taking a trip away.

Please seek counselling for yourself while your going through this. I think family and friends need to support you.. someone you trust.

You having such a difficult time of it please look after yourself.

I would just say he has some health problems that he would like to keep private. If pushed, just say that you don’t feel it’s your story to tell.

As for the neighbours - it’s got sod all to do with them, frankly. If you really feel that you need to say something, I’d just say he’s WFH. The end.

Unless occupational health need to get more involved, work will just go with what’s on his sick note. If he needs support when he goes back, he’ll need to be more open obviously.

I do agree with everyone else that you need to be able to talk about the impact on your own well-being with a trusted friend or family member but I can understand him not wanting you to discuss it more widely.

Sorry you’re (both) going through this, OP. And I hope your husband starts to feel better soon.

I feel for you but I think you need to be very careful here. He is struggling and maybe telling people after he has tried the new medicine would be a good idea.

One idea would be to write down for him what you would like to tell his family so he can see it is nothing for him to be ashamed of. Show that it is talking about an illness he is suffering from not a judgement on him. He can may be even talk to his therapist about it.

I wouldn’t wish mh on my worse enemy!!
I have anxiety problems(although much better now)

Back in 2011 going through menopause I was very poorly with extreme high anxiety which turned into depression(they mainly go hand in hand)
Its true the suffer get selfish and only cares about themselves, they don’t mean to it’s the illness.You are so scared of the symptoms and feelings, you just get wrapped up in them and unfortunately everyone else doesn’t matter.
The fear I felt was horrible, it affected my appetite,sleep,going out and mainly seeing people even family. You feel so out of control with what’s going on in your mind and bodily symptoms.
I remember going to cbt session (very poorly, too poorly really to engage) and she saying to me about not eating “ walk round the supermarket, at the hit counter smell the food that will make you hungry”
I literally thought she’d lost the plot, if I so much as smelt food I’d be heaving.

unlike your dh, I was the opposite.
I wanted to go in hospital(only the illness making me want this) I wanted someone to make be better (although it comes from within) I wanted a magic cure, to take this horrible feeling away.
Id be googling most of the day for help
Even thou I had a psych , care coordinator
They didn’t know what I was going through, looking back I was manic about someone making me better and to take it all away

The medication, it didn’t help for 6-8 weeks
because I was under psych and I think how I was and them wanting meds to work asap they tried adding other meds.
Im actually shit scared off mh meds, and it took a lot of courage for me to try and add in another
I won’t go into detail, but I never got on with any of them just stuck to one.
medication gives you lots of side effects, so he will feel worse before he gets better for a good few weeks
what Med is he on ? and how long as he been on them for ?

regards telling people, he must tell them
wether himself or you. There is NO shame in mh
I realise he may not think this being a Man but don’t let him make that his excuse.
Im sure family, close friend ONLY will totally understand
He needs to start engaging with you & kids as much as possible, locking himself away will give him more time to think about himself

All I can say is
its a slow road, lots of patience is needed
saying that YOU need a break from it also, so get yourself out from the house and him it’s essential
for your own mh

He needs to engage
reading mh book
podcast
meditation on Anxiety depression
knowledge is good

As someone with extreme mental health issues and who often has serious suicidal ideation, your post has made me very sad.

I really do hope that your DH gets the right medication and help he needs to get better and you have the support that you need too.

You sound an incredibly kind and loving person and I am sending you a huge hug.

I read so many posts on here lately where the posters loved ones are clearly very unwell and in my view the posters don’t appear to give the same kind of support and love as you do.

Mental health is evil and debilitating and terrifying and so incredibly lonely.

My best wishes to you and your DH and family 💕