Postnatal depression & sertraline - pls help

[poochie9]

Hi all. Looking for some reassurance I guess.

my little girl is 8 weeks old. She was and is so wanted and I couldn’t wait to meet her and become her mummy.
unfortunately- it hasn’t been what I’d expected it to be and I’ve been really ill and suffering with severe postnatal depression. I feel sad and hopeless and keep questioning whether I love my daughter - because how could I if I feel sad all the time (this pains me so much to say) - I haven’t felt like myself since she was born, we had a difficult birth and my mental health has declined pretty much everyday since. I have obsessive thoughts everyday, questioning why I don’t feel things I should be feeling. Guilt for not being happy. This is all I’ve ever wanted and yet I’ve never ever felt so low and hopeless in my life. I am caring for our baby girl and my partner is amazing and has been so supportive but I literally feel like a shell of a person. I started on sertraline two weeks ago, spend a week on 25 and increased to 50mg on Monday this week. Has anyone else experienced anything similar and does it get better? Everyone keeps saying it will but I feel so low right now I worry about how it’s going to ever get better and if I’ll be able to enjoy my baby and our new family life together. Honestly breaking my heart feeling like this and feeling like I’m ruining it for my little girl, she deserves more and so does my boyfriend. I had a few days this week when I upped the dose where I felt a little better and then yesterday I dived again and now feel worse than before. I don’t know what else to do the guilt is killing me

It does get better!!!
yes, wholeheartedly, yes.

I was in a dark place after the birth of my first baby in April. Depression, Anxiety and OCD.

The fact you get negative emotions even saying that, tells you all you need to know. You’re a great mum. You are not the first to feel this way and you won’t be the last - something my GP told me and it stuck.

It will get better.. you’re in the thick of it at the minute but that fog will lift. Trust the process - Sertraline is a hard medication to get on but when it works.. you’ll feel like your old self.

Im in the process of increasing my dose from 50mg to 100mg. But the 50mg really took the edge off when the initial symptoms subsided.

You'll be okay.

@EmmaLouu thank you for getting back to me. im sorry that this is something that you also had to go through, but glad you’re starting to feel better. I know there’s something there but it’s like my PND blunts all my emotions. I took my baby girl for her injections today and I could’ve cried seeing her cry. But sometimes I look at her and I get inside my head and start questioning why I don’t feel happy, what does that mean, I can’t love her?
horrible horrible thoughts to have and they make me feel like the worst mum.

I’ve only been on 50mg for a week today and I know I need to be patient, but this weekend was just so horrible I’ve never felt so low I need them to work soon x

I literally want to jump into the phone and give you a massive hug. I feel everything you're saying here. I am currently on sertraline and taking 50g a day. I've been taking it for about a month now and can feel the anxiety and depression ebbing. It does take time. I have a 5 month old boy and I have a 6 year old girl. I also had postnatal depression with my girl and I promise you it will get better. It absolutely does. Once a week I get out in the evening for a swim and take myself for a glass of wine it's total bliss and really helps. Is there anyway you can grab a small amount of time for yourself for some self care? It really does go some way to helping. I know the days feel like years atm but when the fog clears (and it will) you will be so proud of how you got through this difficult time and the love you have for your daughter will be undeniable. Sending my love and support x x

@Lauraek25 thank you for sending such a lovely message. I really hope you’re right. It really does feel like it’s never going to end atm. I feel so guilty that I will never get this time back with my little girl but just praying that going forward there will be happier times. I’m not even looking forward to our first Christmas which makes me so sad. Im either sad, anxious or just completely numb.
I’m trying to get out for a walk everyday but even that is hard to do most days. So not like me! I used to be out all the time, busy. I have no motivation or interest in anything at all.

i Hope the sertraline continues to work for you. I’m glad that you’ve started to notice a difference xx

Just jumping on to echo other posts - it absolutely does get better I was exactly where you are 9 months ago. I have a post (same username as my current one) if you want to have a read as I gave a recent update. Hang in there 🤗

Honestly things will get better.
I was on 200mg of Sertraline after Dd2 was born.
It was a mixture of Grief and Postnatal depression for me. My GP was brilliant. Can you talk to your GP?

Take care of yourself.

@ParkheadParadise my gp isn’t helpful at all - no empathy or understanding of what I’m going through. I’m hoping the perinatal mental health team will be better to talk to x

@poochie9
That sad that your GP isn't helpful.
I was under the Perinatal Mental Health time.
I'm hoping you get the help you need soon.

Oh love, I promise it does get better, and well done on seeking help, you should be super proud of yourself! Sertraline was a lifesaver for me. I knew I loved my babies, but I didn’t feel the love for them and I used to dread waking every day to deal with the same old shit again. Once the pills kicked in they gave me back my feelings and I pretty much exploded with love for my babies (they were 8 months by the time I grew a pair and sought help) and the world became colour again. Hang on in there.

Your intrusive thoughts, do you normally have them or is this something new since giving birth?

@MuchTooTired ahh I’m so glad it worked for you. How long did it take from when you first started for you to start feeling like yourself again?
You’ve described how I feel perfectly. I KNOW I love her, but I’m just sad because I can’t feel it all the time because I feel so numb. Which then makes me feel guilty.
The intrusive thoughts are more like repetitive questions/worries/concerns of, ‘why aren’t you happy’ - constantly telling myself I’m never going to be happy again, or I’m going to feel like this forever. ‘What if I never enjoy my baby’ ‘what if I still feel like this in x amount of time’ - then I worry about the effect this is having on my boyfriend and how much more he can handle. It’s just a constant stream of thoughts that I worry over and ruminate on and I can’t quiet my mind from them at all which makes me 10x more anxious. They started happening a lot more from when she was born. I had a panic attack in the hospital the second night I was in with her x

The part about intrusive thoughts for me was the kicker.. that’s when I was diagnosed with postpartum OCD and anxiety. The Sertraline helped no end for them.. I remember the doctor telling me that we all have them - the issue is how we respond to them and me, being anxious - clung to them as though they were a red flag of some sort.. but that was my anxiety playing up. It is so normal but strangely just not spoken about enough.

I feel it took around 6 weeks to see a real shift and it just became gradually better from then really.

One important thing to remember with anxiety/ panic attacks and all feelings for that matter - don’t fight it, it makes it worse… it’s transient and IT WILL burn itself out.. let it be there.

CBT therapy helped me no end, it will reframe how you see things if you fancy it?

@poochie9 it was 4 years ago so memory isn’t that grand, but I started them in October, had a couple of adjustments to my dosage and was out partying mid December (for one night only!) so max of 2 months, but I think maybe sooner than that. It took me a lot longer to feel like myself as a woman again rather than ‘just’ being their mum, but that’s been a very slow gradual process which had a lot to do with the kids being older, starting nursery and now school. I think in the baby stages their needs were all consuming for me and so as time has passed I’ve been able to discover myself again which sounds very instagrammy but is true for me. I now know that whilst I am their mother, it’s ok for me to also be a person independent of both my children and husband. How you’re feeling might take some time, but it won’t last forever.

I also had intrusive thoughts, really bloody awful thoughts, not about my harming my children but about the sick things people do to harm children. Luckily (!) I had/have ocd and had had cbt so I knew already how to deal with them. I’d acknowledge the thought as weird, then imagine it as a hanky (for some reason it was always a pinky red one) in the breeze, maybe whilst driving in a convertible so it’s fluttering. Once I was done with thinking about it, I’d picture the hanky floating away in the wind, and that was the end of my thinking of the intrusive thoughts, it was done and gone. Might help! Sounds a load of woo bollocks, but helped me stay sane.

I also had the stream of worry, constantly second guessing my decisions about the DTs in my quest for perfection. I was so terrified I’d fuck them up that I drove myself quite mad. Sertraline just stopped all of that, it’s like it gave me the confidence to know that whatever I decide is ok.

I know I said it before, but you should be so, so proud of yourself for seeking help. How you’re feeling currently doesn’t make you a bad mum, isn’t anything to be ashamed of (more of us have gone through it than we realise) and it will get better. You’re loving and caring for your DD, and to her she’s loved and has everything she needs from you and your DP. You’re doing great x

Thank you for your reply. I’m really glad the sertraline worked so well for you. It sounds like you had a really tough time for a while. I’m glad you found the help you needed to get better.

I’m praying that this medication works for me. I have been on it before for a panic disorder and gave me my life back. However, what I’m currently experiencing is a really low mood and intrusive thoughts - different to anything I’ve ever experienced before and it really frightens the life out of me that it’s not going to work. The idea of feeling like this forever is just unbareable.

Again, I had a few better days this week and then last night I took a massive dip again. Couldn’t switch the thoughts off. Started questioning my feelings for my baby girl again and then had some pretty awful thoughts about how my partner and little girl would cope if I wasn’t here. I have never ever thought anything like that before - and it’s not something that I want to do anything about - but the thought alone scared me so much. How could I even have that thought?

how are you feeling now op?

Hi @eryn123 thank you for checking in.
I’ve slowly been getting better. Reading through this old thread is humbling to say the least. I’ve definitely come a long way. My little girl is amazing. Such a happy little baby, our very own wild child who will be turning one in the over a months time.

Im still trying to process everything that happened. Still a long way off healing but I am well, I am present for my little girl and I am Incredibly grateful to be in this position as there was a time, when I was writing these posts, that I really believed that would never happen x

@poochie9 I'm so glad you are feeling better. How long would you it took for the sertraline side effects to ease and for you to start to feel better ?

I think for each person it’s different. Some people don’t get many side effects at all. Unfortunately I wasn’t one of those people!
From when I initially started taking them and then from each dose increase after I had quite bad side effects, I’d say they lasted on & off for around a month. From when I started taking them until when I started to feel the benefits of them was around 2/3 months. I’ve been on them just under a year now and even though it was brutal at first they’ve literally saved my life. Stick with them if tou can, I Hope that helps xx

@poochie9 thank you

this post could have been written by me 9 months ago. God the thoughts I had were so scary and I look back and it’s like it’s a different person. I was also on sertraline and I am currently weaning myself off them and going well so far. Anyone reading this who is currently in the midst of the storm of PND it really does get better. Xxx

can i message you privately op?

Sure xx

Seeing this thread has given me hope, I literally could of written this! just been to GP yesterday and have been put on sertraline, I'm 4 weeks pp today and everything you have described is how I am currently feeling. Dis it take long for it to get better for you?

Hey, I know this is an old thread but can I ask how you are feeling now? I’m having some very similar feelings to what you described x