Living with DS and his mental health issues… long term…

[tiredteddy]

I’m not sure what I’m looking for here, but I’m wondering how people cope living with loved ones who have extreme mental health issues long term. The toll it’s takes on us and the whole family… I have periods when the load is lighter but as we seem to be entering another low phase and life is getting again very difficult I wondering if other people feel the same out there… a little bit hopeless and sad.

How old is he?

I'm so sorry, that must be incredibly tough. No matter how much you love your child by the time they reach adulthood everyone wants to just have a "normal" life with no dependent children. How old is your child?

I was the sibling and so it’s very different to when it’s your child. But my sibling’s MH issues ruined mine and my parents’ lives for years. She will never sort it out now as she’s in her thirties.

It’s also massively impacted relationship I have with my parents. So if you have any other children, please don’t forget them. Though it’s not easy as any attention for them would likely make the mentally ill one worse. My parents nearly divorced many times because of it too. There’s no solution and I feel really bad for you. Look after yourself.

I can imagine how hard this would be. We are not there yet and hopefully never will be, but have dealt with a depressed teen for nearly two years. Just as we should have more freedom (they are our youngest child), we still cannot make plans together as a couple without checking their mood / circumstances - so advance planning is tricky unless we know they'll be safe with someone trustworthy.

He’s 18 now…

I’m watching all my friends around me with kids off to uni… making those steps, tights of passage and constantly adjusting my expectations and predictions of how our further might look.

This scares me a bit… will he ever get past these issues… he’s our eldest of three. He takes up a disproportionate amount of my time and of my emotional fuel. I worry so much the impact it will have on the others. We try and protect them, make time for them… but when one child’s needs are so all consuming I just feel I’m not enough for them

Name changed but yes we sadly have some experience of this

Youngest DB was always ‘ difficult’ and was diagnosed as schizophrenic at 18.

We had a horrendous 10 years but he is much better over the last 5 years - 20 years on from diagnosis.

With someone like this, you are constantly in survival mode and it impacts the whole family.

I would urge you to try and carve out as much time as you can for the other members of the family. Your DS cannot dominate everything. Use any respite that is available to you

My DB was without a doubt , an emotional vampire, and although it was all part of the illness, it did somewhat change my relationship with my DM. I never felt I could go to her with an issue, problem, ask for advice because my DB was taking up so much of her energy.

I would urge you to pull away from your DS at certain times to make space for your other children. Your relationship with them Is important and they need your support.

Not everyone affected by mental health issues can just, 'do something about it'. If OP's ds has bipolar, OCD or Schizophrenia etc he will need an imense amount of support. They don't choose to have mental illness, it's just the cards they've been dealt by nature.

Sorry OP to hear things are rough. MH problems is a long and lonely road. There are good days and bad days as you know. Do you have someone outside the family in real life you can talk to? I find that having someone who understands that I can off load to really helps. Also, can you tell us a bit more about your DS's MH condition so people can offer more specific advice?

@Shimy I think the OP is asking how she can preserve some sort of healthy family life within this situation. That does sometimes involve putting the needs of the person with MH issues after your own and other.

eventually my DM had to do this as my DB had bled her dry. And guess what, he managed and she finally had some peace.

Agree that dealing with MH issues is a cruel and lonely road

@Milkymoo2 yes it’s this… the constant survival mode. And your description of your DB being an emotional vampire. That’s how I feel. And the wondering if it will ever change…
my DS uses me as his coping mechanism and his ability to function is so interlinked to my availability to him, I feel responsible and resentful. I know it is not his fault and I love him fiercely… but I have two other children who need me too.

@Shimy DS is a complicated mix of issues. He has an anxiety disorder which causes periods of depression. He has ADHD, some OCD and learning difficulties. It the past 2 years and the anxiety and depression that have developed which have changed him and affected the family dynamic. Help is hard to come by, and getting a hormonal teenager to accept that help is even harder.

I do have some good friends, I try and explain what it’s like.. but it’s hard to explain the all consuming needs he has and the emotional drain I feel.

I have a friend who could have written this exact post not so long ago.

All of her emotional and physical energy was being swallowed up (and often spat out) by her teenage son - his demands, his needs, his fears , his illness overshadowed everything in her life.

She had counselling herself and has done the following:

Made sure that her DS’s anxiety and depression are controlled the best they can be (counselling, medication).

Compartmentalised her life and to an extent detached herself emotionally from her son’s MH issues. This does not mean she no longer cares, it means that she has worked hard to stop herself from allowing his illness to dominate every aspect of her life - and spiralling into depression herself.

She deals with issues in a very matter of fact way and discussions with her DS are focused on (empathetically) helping her son to find a solution to any given problem HIMSELF - rather than entirely passing his emotional and physical burden onto her.

She makes time for herself and others without guilt. She is lucky to have a supportive family and DH who are also there for her son. This is not the case for some but has preserved her own well-being.

You cannot expect a person with MH issues to ‘snap out of it’ but you can equip them with strategies and the means to take some responsibility for their own life. It is a painfully slow process and requires a LOT of hard work for a person to literally battle theirMH issues but it can be done.

My friend says that instinctively, as his mother, she wanted to take on all his problems onto herself - her desire to take his pain away… She has learnt that this is not possible because he was starting to become totally reliant on her and others and she herself was becoming ill.

She has felt as if she is being cruel to be kind sometimes but she puts as much energy into her own well-being as she does his. Without guilt.
Basically, she said she is no use to anyone if she ‘goes under’.

Look after yourself OP!

I have a slightly older DC with severe mental health issues. If your area has a carers group with regular meet ups I would highly recommend it as the other members will understand in a way that your friends don't.
If funds will stretch to it, see a therapist yourself. That is what has helped me to remain more or less functional in the darkest moments. She is also helping me to see that I have a right to a life too and to put some strategies in place to protect my emotional health.

@BagpussBagpussOldFatFurryCatpuss Your post is spot on.

OP Your son is at a really difficult age when it comes to dealing with MH issues.

He is seeing his friends move on, he is not doing so and this frustration /upset may he building up and he is turning more and more to you. He may be able to turn a corner now but from my experience the next few years can be difficult for them and for you.

Things that helped my DM /DB were

• engaging with social services. Ultimately they helped my DB live independently but initially a mental health nurse was a huge support.
• medication and hospitalisation really helped in the early stages but it very much depends on the person and their illness. In his case hitting the right medication is key but he does sometimes come off it which is obviously not good.
• when my DB got a hobby he became really engrossed in it. The people involved with the club are incredibly kind to him and this has really helped. He didn’t come to this until he was 30 (he wasn’t in the right mindset) but it has given him a community away from his family
• distance from my DM helped him thrive. Their relationship became quite difficult. DM was getting worn out and older and beginning to resent DB, and he in turn was resenting her. Distance has given them the chance to have a more healthy relationship.

In general even if the MH issue doesn’t improve, you will all become better at dealing with it and family life will continue. We have christmases, family trips, parties etc and sometimes my DB comes, sometimes he doesn’t , sometimes he behaves, sometimes he doesn’t. We worry and support him but we realise that we can’t make him happy or keep him alive. He is a loved and important part of my family, my children love their uncle.

I really feel for you OP, you sound like a great Mum, but this incredibly hard and sad but there is hope and it can get much better