How to come to terms with really bad news and tough times ahead?

[teachermummyme]

I'm not sure whether this is the right place to post...

I was diagnosed with a brain tumour seven weeks ago, which was a total shock. I've also just had a baby, our second daughter, 12 days ago. After weeks of MRI scans and appointments with the neurosurgeon, it looks like I'm going to have to have brain surgery in a couple of weeks in order to remove the tumour so that they can find out what kind it is (cancerous or benign). I'd really hoped that they'd have been able to diagnose it as benign from the scans, which would've meant no rush for surgery. But as it is, the advice is to have surgery soon.

I'm so upset at having to have surgery and leave my girls. It's such a shock as I'd been trying to think positively and had convinced myself surgery wouldn't be needed yet. It's a terrifying prospect, with minimum two weeks in hospital and a high risk of many, many scary and debilitating side effects.

I just can't get my head around it or come to terms with it. Whenever I'm not around my older daughter (who's five) I just cry uncontrollably. My heart is literally breaking at the thought of leaving them and I don't know how to come to terms with this? I think I've got a couple of weeks until surgery and I don't want to be in this constant state of terror and despair. I think I'll completely lose it if I'm this emotional all day every day, but on the other hand I can't think of anything else. Every time I look at my sweet baby's face I just want to scream at how unfair everything is. I feel like I could just cry and cry for days.

I'm not even sure what I'm asking other than how can I get through this? I know this kind of response is probably very normal but it can't be healthy for me to feel in the depths of despair constantly. My head is throbbing from crying so much. Will I come to terms with this over the coming days? How can I help myself deal with the enormity of the situation?

Thanks in advance.

I think you are dealing with it entirely normally just now - it is a huge shock, a terrifying shock and you are going to be overwhelmed.

Can you lean on people close to you? Because if they take the children you can cry and cry. I would suggest MacMillan or similar counselling perhaps - so you can talk to someone honestly about your feelings.

It is grotesquely unfair, I am sorry I have no answers. I think other people who have been through similar will be helpful to you, as they will understand so much more.

Something I just wanted to add is that it is toxic for society to expect people to deal with terrifying things without being terrified.

I dealt with a very serious health thing once, it was one of the children, it was absolutely all-consuming. I couldn't think straight. I managed to get dressed and eat and breathe but that was all.

If you are managing basic nurture for your children e.g. fixing their dinner you are doing very well.

I agree with @lannistunut now is the time to get all the support you can around you. I am so sorry, it is a horrible thing to go through, it's completely understandable that you feel the way you do

I just want to send positive thoughts to you ♥️

There’s a charity that specifically supports women with cancer in and around pregnancy. I am sure that this would include people who like you are facing a possibility of cancer.

www.mummysstar.org/

You are in a really scary situation OP. I'm sorry it has happened to you.

I have found Joe Dispenza really helpful and inspirational recently. He has a book called You are the Placebo and meditations that accompany it. You might find it valuable. The meditations are widely available on You Tube.

Oh my days. What a thing to be going through. What support have you got/can you get in place? Parents? Partner? Friends? I'm not expert but MacMillan and places must have support networks in place for this kind of thing.

Sending you many positive thoughts. And here's a positive story - family friend had a brain tumour. I don't know the details but I know she lived with it for a number of years. During pregnancy something happened that meant she had to have a c section and she then went straight into brain surgery. She's now doing brilliantly and is a wonderful Mum to her young children.

Oh my darling. It is terrible and terrifying. I don't know if it will help to tell you I know 5 people all with very rare brain tumours and all either recovered or well on their way to full recovery. The medical professionals who deal with brain tumours are AMAZING. You are in the best possible hands.

Of course this is going to be tough and there is no way around that. But you have already realised being with your eldest makes you 'keep it together' so maybe you need to give yourself times to crumble and times to not crumble.

Good luck and accept all the help people offer you.

And finally congratulations on your newborn. Please sniff her head from this Internet random. There is nothing lovelier, in the hardest of circumstances, than human contact. Xx

I'm so sorry to hear you and your family are having to go through this. Lots of great advice up thread. I was wondering if there is a specialist nurse attached to the surgeon (I'd be surprised if there wasn't) you get in contact with them? They can give you practical support.Also perhaps speak to your health visitor and let them know what's happening so they can offer a bit of support when you need it? Good luck with everything and post on Mumsnet whenever you need a pick up.

Thank you all so much for the lovely comments and positive wishes - and the permission also to feel really shit about it all!

Luckily I do have a lot of support - my husband, my mum, sister and lots of friends. It's hard though, as particularly for my husband and mum, I know this is an awful lot to bear for them too and there's only so much I want to burden them with - for example the surgeon said there's a 2% risk of death with the surgery - how can I tell my mum that, what mother wants to hear that about their child?

@Sylva thank you for the link to that charity - I'd not come across it before so will take a look.

Oh and thank you all for the positive stories about people you've known with brain tumours. I don't know anyone with one and so it feels so terrifyingly alien. I tried joining a Facebook support group for people with brain tumours but have just found it really scary and that it's made me feel worse as there's so many scary scenarios and experiences that people have shared.

@Cookiedough41 Yes there is a specialist nurse I've been liaising with. She's very nice but hasn't been particularly forthcoming with support outside of the face to face meetings. Speaking with my health visitor is a good idea.

Two people I know has this in their 30s/49s respectively. Both had ops and both are now fine.

I hope this gives you some comfort OP

I would want to hear that about my child, as I would want to support them dealing with it.

You have to let the people who love you care for you. If you shut them out you actually make it harder for you AND them.

Would you want your daughter to keep this to themselves if it was them? Think about how much you want to be there for your children and let the people who love you be there for you.

Don't focus on that 2% focus on the 98%.
All surgeries have risk. If the surgeons want to operate that is a good thing, it means there is hope.
I wish you the best xxx

This is truly awful and you have my utmost sympathy.

I heard Rob Delaney on the radio this week talking about his grief over losing his son. I know this is different but you are basically grieving for the life you should have had - not this one where you're dealing with life threatening medical conditions.

It was heartbreaking of course and he described a moment which he said felt like a watershed.

He realised he was going to be sad forever, and in a way, that took some of the force / pressure of the immediate grief off him - he knew he didn't have to feel all the feelings right away at that moment. He could go back to them at any time, all the time rather than feeling the full force all the time.

I don't know if that makes any sense but it seemed to bring him great comfort so perhaps it could help you.

I also know a few people who have had brain tumours removed and not had recurrences.

In a situation like this, I think it's important to 'pick your team'. Surround yourself (as best as you can) with people who will encourage you, help you to not think too far down the line and who can also be a sounding board when you just need a good old howl at the unfairness of it all.

I'd defo avoid FB groups as they can be pretty miserable, fear-inducing places. No one needs that! You need #TeamMummyTeacherMe to walk with you and prop you up in the crappest of moments.

You could also start another thread here to document your journey. I'm sure lots of people will support and cheer you on too. I will!