Lonely and sad - can't get over stuff that apparently I should stop banging on about

[desecrationsmile]

Don't know why I'm posting this. Just really, really sad.

How do you get over a partner's affair. Especially if they come out with stuff like 'I've never had sex with anyone else,' which makes me feel like I'm being unreasonable.

How can I work out what to do in the fairest way possible? At what point do you learn to forgive and forget? It's been years (although I found out trickle truths on an annual basis)

How can I work out what to do in the fairest way possible?

In the fairest way possible for whom?

Why do you feel you should forgive and forget?

If it's been years and you still haven't found a way to move on from it then why even stay together? You're making an active choice to be miserable.

It’s been years
you can’t get over it
and they’ve not respected you enough to give you the full truth, whilst demanding you get over it

this isn’t working and something has to change.

I didn't forgive or forget. I got out- which was the fairest thing to do for myself (the injured party). I wasn't and I'm not interested on his feelings on what is fair. At the point he had sex with someone else he threw me away. For me I made my decision within hrs of finding out and that was it- it was done. I think it's harder if you have lots of time to think, go to counselling, get given little bits of info here and there. I was lucky in the sense that what I found out was a deal breaker (I know there's more but I didn't need to know the rest to make the decision).

Even then though I have moments when I feel so sad it physically makes me ache. I haven't got any advice as such. But didn't want to not reply as what you wrote really resonated.

You don’t have to get over it.

You are entitled to decide you can’t get over it and it’s the end of the relationship.

Or you can say you will stay but you will need to bring it up and talk about it every so often. Your partner can then decide whether they are ok with that, or to leave if not.

You don’t have to conform to how they think you should react to their affair.

You need to leave them and should have done so years ago. Drop the rope and just allow it to be over.

I would recommend CBT. Helps you to let go of the things you can't control, and control the things you can, like your reactions, thoughts and feelings. It's really does help. No one should go through life being miserable, particularly about something that has passed. There is no need for you to forgive, or forget, and you are not being unreasonable, but you should be happy and try hard to let go of people and things that have a negative impact on your life

If you are still with that person - by leaving them and moving on with a life that does not involve that kind of behaviour.

If you are not then perhaps counselling, to help challenge the thought patterns associated with it and understand why it was such a harmful thing to have happen to you.

I'm just so sad. I don't know what to do. I know he's had to put up with me being sad for many years but I just wish he (or anyone I know and love) would care.

How can I tell him on the phone that I am sad and he just tells me it's not okay, that I need to be away from the kids in case they see me sad, and that I need to stop talking to him about it? I'm literally suicidal and he doesn't care.

You need to split. He cheated on you and caused the upset. Stop trying to paper over the cracks.

He says that he cheated because I have never been a loving wife

Have you ever had any counselling? Sounds like you need to speak to GP in short term r.e. how you're feeling and long term look into counselling?

@desecrationsmile - your partner cheated and now is blame shifting it all on to you. It sounds like you're being emotionally abused. Not wonder you can't 'get over it' - maybe that is an impossible task whilst you continue to endure this.

Ultimately you are the only one who can make yourself happy - and it can be hard work to get there.

Have you considered ending the relationship? If so what is stopping you?

So hes essentially blaming you? Why didn't he just leave if you weren't a loving wife? He sounds delightful, you need to get rid and start living your life again

It’s ok for your kids to see that you’re sad sometimes OP. You probably shouldn’t tell young kids exactly why you’re sad in this case. But it is fine as long as the kids know they are loved and will always be loved and looked after.

Have you ever read about DARVO?
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DARVO

Older children (preteens or older) and I’d probably just tell them a basic version of the truth (eg. Dad kissed another lady and that’s not what you do when you’re married so it’s made you sad and you’re divorcing). Others might not agree with my approach.

Where to start OP

He cheated

He takes no responsibility for his actions

You are not allowed to have feelings he doesn’t deign to be “correct”

He has turned it into blaming you for his failings

Even you are turning it around to blaming yourself as he wants you to do.

To address this you have to start deciding how you really feel (not how you are allowed to feel by him or indeed others) and take the actions you feel are appropriate to match that. You are clearly experiencing trauma. It is ongoing trauma which is why you are experiencing all of these negative emotions. Betrayal trauma is absolutely awful. It is time to make changes that will give you a long term happier future. Shorter term pain for longer term gain.

Do not keep seeking comfort from him. You won't find it.
He is not a person who can make you feel better.
Don't put yourself through this anymore. Leave and get on with your life.

It's possible to survive an affair/cheating. I have. But the information you've given means he hasn't been open, he isnt interested in being remorseful (he's victim blaming by putting the justification down to your actions) and you aren't able to move on. It's a no go, I'm afraid.
Every now and then I get feelings of resentment or blame, but I remind myself I made a choice to forgive 9 years ago. That was my choice, and my choice alone, so I don't have the right to keep bringing it up and hanging on to it.
HOWEVER, and this is a big however, I only made the choice to forgive based on his behaviour afterwards. Given what you've said, I wouldn't forgive your DH, I'd be leaving and making myself a better life.

You are sad because you know you are hurting yourself over and over as you wont leave him.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our www.mumsnet.com/webguide/mental-health Mental Health resources]]. You can also go to the www.samaritans.org/ Samaritans website]]
or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

He didn’t put up with you being sad.
He actually lived the consequences of his own actions, one that HE took the decision to do.

You are not responsible for how he feels, how hard these last few years have been and or him struggling with the fact you don’t quite trust him.

The only person you are responsible off is yourself. And choosing your life.

I could ask you the same questions than some PP (are you happy, do you really want to spend your life with a cheater/someone you dint trust etc….). But my own experience is that whatever we can say on here is unlikely to really sink in.
So my advice is to get some counselling for yourself. So you can stop blaming yourself for things that are out of your control (like him cheating and then being very economical with the truth). And you can start reclaiming your life.
It’s worth it

If someone cheats on you then you can either forgive them and not keep bringing it up or decide you can’t forgive them and break up.

It sounds like you can’t get over it - which is fine.
There is nothing he can ever say or do that will make you get over it because you know you are worth more than that.

It’s time to end things and move on.
Yes it will hurt but probably nothing like the pain you’ve been experiencing for years.

He is blaming you for HIS choices.

If he actually felt you weren’t loving enough, he could have decided to separate instead and find someone who love him to live with.

But he didn’t, did he? He stayed and made the choice to be unfaithful instead. He made the choice to hurt you then, to hurt now by blaming you about the situation.

And tbh, you are also making the decision to stay with someone who cares so little for you that they are quite happy to hurt you Wo a backward glance….

Stop believing him.
Start loving yourself like you would hope he would love you. And that means not accepting for anyone to hurt you on purpose like this.